If you're a conservative politician looking to make sure the American underclass eventually dies off either through malnutrition or disease, boy, has it been a pretty great week for you!

Operation Uphold Democracy: Haiti, 1994-95.

Memorial Day means many things to many people. It is almost summer, it is a time to drink, there are sales in the hellish big box stores, etc. But mostly, it is a time to solemnly remember military personnel who died while on active duty. Sorry, veterans!

Police in Unalaska, Alaska, were dispatched to a Safeway parking lot last week when dozens of Bald Eagles, America's proud national bird, swarmed on a pickup truck to eat disgusting fish parts from trash bags in the truck's bed.

This magnificent specimen of American womanhood, who was photographed flipping off NBA player Joakim Noah at last night's Bulls-Heat game, is so much more than just an angry sports fan. She's also a serial wife and once-accused husband-murderer.

Jamestown was a gruesomely failed start to the English colonization of America. The people were malnourished and disease-ridden and too dumb to eat the bountiful fish and fruits all around them. Most of the settlers were dead within the first year, and in the second hungry winter of 1609-10, the starving survivors chopped open the skull of a newly dead 14-year-old girl and feasted upon her brains.

"Local Voice" Kathleen O'Brien Wilhelm, writing in the Avon Lake, Ohio Patch, thinks it's just downright wasteful to put up "Deer Crossing" signs. Why? Because they can't read, silly!

Vice President Joe Biden was scheduled to address the nation this afternoon about his meeting with NRA officials to discuss new gun control policies in this country—an initiative that President Obama asked him to oversee after last month's shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. But before anyone could react, news broke of yet another school shooting. Fox News was practically mid-"Guns don't kill people; people kill people" when they cut away to break the news that a gunman at Taft High School in Kern County, California shot 2 people.

Among wealthy, developed countries, that is. According to a study from the National Academy of Sciences, Americans are "far" unhealthier than their counterparts in Canada, Australia, Japan, Britain, France, Portugal, Italy and Germany and eight other countries. But just how bad is it?

In a time older than dirt, before kids carried $500 worth of sext computers in their pockets, my mom always used to drop me off at the same place at the "snooty mall" when she did Christmas shopping. Big department stores would have a couch, grand piano and Christmas tree, and I'd sit with a book, waiting until she came back, listening to Christmas carols and the occasional wise-guy pianist playing something from Looney Tunes.

Our roundup of Black Friday arrests and violence sadly wasn't complete. A report from The Atlanta Journal-Constitution tells the story of an unidentified man who died after he was allegedly caught shoplifting two DVD players from a Walmart in Lithonia, Georgia.

Here are your Worst Humans of Black Friday 2012:

The Bureau of Justice Statistics is reporting the violent crime rate in America rose last year, for the first time in almost two decades. The rise is due largely to a rise in assaults, now at 22.5 per 1,000 people.

Brand new Atlantic Media business publication Quartz has a post up today about the boom in Brazilian cocaine use. Apparently, in the midst of its march toward becoming one of the world's wealthiest nations, Brazil is now also one of the largest consumers of cocaine, snorting 18 percent of the global supply, according to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime. But while we're proud of the Brazilians, America, once again, is the real victor here, with citizens who inhale nearly 37 percent of all the cocaine in the world. One and a half percent of Americans do cocaine, and the average intake per user is 42 grams a year. USA! USA! USA!

EXT. BEN FRANKLIN PARKWAY IN PHILADELPHIA, PA., INSIDE THE MADE IN AMERICA MUSIC FESTIVAL CURATED BY SEAN "JAY-Z" CARTER — 9:00 p.m.

Big day for gross sodas. First, there was breaking news that Diet Pepsi is faker than ever. Now comes word that Taco Bell is adding a surely horrid new drink called Mtn Dew A.M. to its breakfast menu (ed. note: when did Taco Bell get breakfast?). Mtn Dew A.M. is a combination of regular disgusting Mountain Dew with Tropicana orange juice, so maybe it's healthy? Impossible to know because a "representative for Taco Bell wasn't immediately available to provide details on the orange juice-to-soda ratio in Mtn Dew A.M." Oh well.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has just released the newest map charting obesity across the United States of Fatlandia. Here's the verdict for 2011:

The Office of National Statistics for England and Wales has just released the list of the most popular baby names of 2011. The top name for boys was Harry, followed by Oliver, then Jack, but all three of these names might as well have just been MY BALLS, because English people suck at naming kids.

Eight out of ten Americans believe in angels. Almost five out of ten Americans are creationists. Thirty percent of Americans either disagree with or are undecided on this newfangled Declaration of Independence thing. So I guess it should come as no surprise that, after four years in office and two years on the national campaign trail, fewer than half of American voters can correctly identify President Obama's religion as Christian, according to a Pew survey.

Last week, Ralph Lauren, the official outfitter of the U.S. Olympic team, released the first images of the team's uniforms for the opening ceremonies of the 2012 games.