Breaking: Andy Rooney is still a nearly unintelligible curmudgeon! Tonight on 60 Minutes, Rooney launched into a random rant about dieting before he declared that he plans to lose 20 lbs. before Halloween. Uh, by shaving his eyebrows? Video inside.

In this segment, Andy Rooney explains his musings on desire, and how it is repulsive that we desire more than what we need. Andy is downright annoyed that he wanted two cookies after already being full from lunch.

Doctors say new evidence shows that episodes of hallucinations and delirium afflicting old people in hospitals can have long-term negative effects. Also, Andy Rooney vows not to stop saying things on television any time soon.

Self-described "average American" Andy Rooney was recently startled to discover the existence of such rare pop culture creatures as "Lady Gaga" and "Usher." What other mainstream, vastly popular phenomena has professional old person Andy Rooney never heard of?

Andy Rooney took to the 60 Minutes airwaves Sunday night to let the whole world know: He has no clue who Lady Gaga is. But don't worry! He still likes ice cream. Click through for glorious video.

Thanks to Larry King's latest divorce scandal and his sagging ratings, some people are suggesting his days on CNN are numbered. Should he retire now before CNN gives him a shove? Of course. And he's not the only one.

Brian Rooney, a 22-year veteran at ABC News, was laid off this week. Just another victim of a financially shaky company? Or is Brian reaping the evil crop sown by his father, Andy Rooney? A reader has a theory!

Andy Rooney believes that many people who unjustifiably held good jobs would be better off picking up trash. Now complete the circle, Andy Rooney.

Beloved miser Andy Rooney turned 91 yesterday, but was probably not in any mood to celebrate. Excerpts from his most recent book read during a USA Today interview detail his dislike of cats and distrust brought on by fountain pens.

Andy Rooney: "I think I'll know when I can't do this anymore. I think I'd quit before anyone tells me to." Later: "Sunday's essay is about the weather." [USAT]

It hasn't been the easiest year for Vikram Pandit, but the Citigroup CEO has at least one reason to smile today: It's his 53rd birthday. Cranky 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney turns 91 today. Fox News anchor Shepard Smith is 46. Maureen Dowd of the New York Times is turning 58. Director Steven Soderbergh turns 47. Jason Bateman is 41. Dave Grohl is turning 41. LL Cool J is 42. Model Angela Lindvall is celebrating her 31st birthday. And Faye Dunaway turns 69 today.

Today at Gawker.TV, Andy Rooney is lonesome tonight, a grumpy anchor puts a damper on the newsroom's celebrations, Kathie Lee tries to sing again, more laughs at Steven Segall's reality show, and MANswers: the worst television show we've ever seen.

Grumpy and long-winded Andy Rooney has had enough of New Year's Eve. If you can get past the fact that 60 Minutes even airs these crotchety rants, listen to Andy's plans: sitting alone with a tub of coffee ice cream.

Andy Rooney—whose work we do not usually care for—was overcome with grief while delivering the eulogy at Walter Cronkite's funeral yesterday, and had to excuse himself after less than two minutes. It's god damn heartbreaking. A generation passes.

• Betsey Johnson reports that she's thinking about retiring this fall. She plans to hand over the reigns to Eric Sartori. At least assuming he manages to "Betsey-fy himself," that is. [Cut]
• Kanye West's line of sneakers for Louis Vuitton has been delayed, but photos of the $700 kicks can now be viewed online. [Racked]
• Lauren Conrad, Mandy Moore, Jennifer Lopez: These are not very good times for celebrities-turned-designers, as you may have heard. Not that the bad news is stopping J.Lo from launching yet another fragrance, of course. [ABC News, People]

CBS' lovable curmudgeon Andy Rooney became a great-grandfather when his grandson, Fox News producer Justin Fishel, and his wife birthed twins recently. We look forward to hearing Andy bitch about all of this is a future 60 Minutes segment. [TVNewser]

George Clooney is, uh, video blogging for MSNBC — sure, why not? — and there's not much to add to his pitch-perfect imitation of Andy Rooney, except that it came none too soon.

Worst birthday ever: Embattled Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit turns 52 today, although we're going to assume that whatever big party Swati Pandi had been planning is not going ahead as scheduled. Others celebrating: 60 Minutes' Andy Rooney is turning 90. Fox News anchor Shepard Smith is 45. The New York Times' Maureen Dowd is 57. Models Karen Elson and Angela Lindvall are both turning 30. Filmmaker Steven Soderbergh is 46. Cranky liberal Eric Alterman is 49. Venture capitalist (and babe magnet) Adam Dell is turning 39. Jason Bateman is 40. Dave Grohl is celebrating his 40th. LL Cool J is 41. Faye Dunaway is turning 68. And Ms. Kristin Cavallari is turning 22 today.

Comedian Joe Mande invented a cute game: Remove all but the first and last sentence of Andy Rooney's segment from 60 Minutes, and put the result on YouTube. Incredibly, this makes Rooney sound more sensible than before. Below are Mande's seven editions of the Andy Rooney Game, including last weekend's segment, "Surprise Party."

If you read only one sexually explicit parody of 60 Minutes crank Andy Rooney today, let it be this one. [Cajun Boy]