· Critics who demand consistency from famous people about the various causes in which they dabble are going to shit themselves when they read this story about how Angelina Jolie didn't want to talk to Fox News (or about her orphan-collecting efforts) during the junket for A Mighty Heart, a movie in which she plays the journalist widow of a slain reporter—the very same profession she sought to destroy with her truculence and speech-suppressing legal waivers. Have we so soon forgotten that she rocked a laudably frugal $26 outfit at her premiere? Surely she deserves a pass on this one.
· "An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch." You're really going to want to read the whole story. Trust us.
· Sadly, there is a dark side to Space Chimps, but we're not going to let it dampen our enthusiasm for the project. Space Chimps!
· This is all the Tony watching we'll ever need to do.

Forbes magazine, America's most trusted source for lists of really rich famous people accompanied by little blurbs explaining why these famous people are so rich, has released its annual Celebrity 100, featuring highly recognizable titans from the world of showbiz, sport, and song, all ranked according to their proprietary four-point power-classifying algorithm. While Earthly deity Oprah occupies the top position, Brad Pitt is not far behind at #5, a full nine spots above do-gooding domestic life-partner Angelina Jolie. It's a juxtaposition that lies in humorous contrast to the reality of the couple's day-to-day lives, where Jolie can at any given moment be overhead shouting from behind a computer monitor for her chief orphan wrangler to pick up the pace of his playroom tidying efforts, if the couple plans on making it to that evening's black-tie charity fundraiser before the keynote speaker has begun.

You may not know it, but press-averse Oscar winner Angelina Jolie is a huge fan of quirky literary quarterlies. While some say she developed her interest in the scene during what we assume was her brief affair with n+1's Marco Roth, it's obvious that she's not beholden to any one particular title. Clearly having heard of the financial drain recently incurred by McSweeney's, the talented thespian took to the streets of Manhattan yesterday with a copy of Dave Eggers' What Is The What? as a show of solidarity. Possibly she also agreed to exchange her lifetime subscription for a pack of playing cards. Celebrities: They're just like a couple of doofuses in Williamsburg! [Ed. Note: Yes, that is a picture of Balk's computer looking at the photo of Angelina Jolie carrying the Dave Eggers book that we were not going to pay $500 to buy. It's a nice picture though! Log into the fine website Splash News and go see!]

Hey! Have you heard? Us Weekly is reporting this week that just six short years ago, Angelina Jolie was vaguely Goth, married to Billy Bob Thornton, had a pet rat, and kept a vial of Thornton's blood around her neck. And now, she's all Miss Humanitarian Adoptive Parent 2007! Oh. What's that? You say you've heard this all before? Well. Maybe that's because Us Weekly keeps reminding us! Although we have to admit, that quote about Billy Bob and Angelina having just fucked in the car is pretty classic. (Click to enlarge.)

If you go over to the Waldorf-Astoria, like, NOW, you can join the throng of 200 paparazzi who are waiting for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to emerge from the hotel.

It's hard to believe, but an entire year has passed since Angelina Jolie, swollen with her first biological offspring at the finest resort in Namibia, rang the delicate bell that summoned down from Heaven the host of seraphim midwives who would gently escort through her blessed birth canal the Chosen infant widely expected to usher in an era of worldwide peace and prosperity. Since those earliest, auspicious moments, however, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's messianic career has to be seen as a resounding disappointment, with not a single miracle credited to the tyke over the last twelve months, a letdown that quickly drove mother Angelina to the orphanages of Vietnam to snatch up the first adorable urchin to tug at the hem of her khakis.

InTouch editor: Of course we retouched Angelina Jolie's veiny arm photo. Everyone does it! Do you hear me? Everyone! [NYP]

· Celebrity oversharer Angelina Jolie wants us all to know that just as soon as she's done with shooting a couple more movies, she's taking a year off to be with her family. Mercifully, she gets all the way through the interview without suffering a nervous breakdown about how her gut-wrenching decision to have a biological baby still torments her.
· Has Rosie O'Donnell's quest to replace Bob Barker finally come to end? Some eavesdroppers say it's all over but the crying.
· This is a video of some people dancing to one of your favorite sitcom theme songs. We're pretty sure you're clicking on that link even without further description.
· Scott Stapp's wife's 911 call: "He's on the pot and the drugs, and has many, many guns in the house." That dude still knows how to party.

Once Janice Min gets her manicure into something, she's not going to let it go. Take the cover of the latest issue of Us Weekly, which proclaims: "The Final Insult: Shiloh Was No Accident! Angelina finally admits she planned to get pregnant while Brad was still married." Oh, snap! The story's not actually as scandalous as that: she and Brad had been together for months by the time they planned to get pregnant, although he was technically not divorced from Jennifer Aniston. Now! Was it tacky for Angelina to remind Jennifer Aniston, yet again, that it sucked getting dumped by Brad Pitt? Yes! But it's also pretty tacky of Us to publish the same story, week after week.

It's been far too long since orphan-addicted baby-collector Angelina Jolie has opened up about her complicated feelings on biological childbirth, a selfish practice that invariably disrupts the color-coordinated harmony of any painstakingly racially balanced brood. But Jolie is once again ready to defend her still-controversial decision to use her uterus instead of a Third World nation's adoption system to add to her family last year, this time to Reader's Digest:

• Lindsay Lohan's subtle, tasteful mom Dina was working the red carpet at last night's Georgia Rule premiere—as a special correspondent for ET. We're sure she asked some hard-hitting coke tape questions. [Page Six]
  

This week's Time features the fourth annual installment of THE TIME 100: The Most Influential People In The World! It's a pretty thick issue, which is all the more remarkable given the crappy paper stock the magazine uses. Anyway, who are the folks Time's editors think are "transforming our world"? Well, Justin Timberlake makes the cut, as do Angelina Jolie (as an activist, not an entertainer), Kate Moss, and the chick from "Ugly Betty." Time M.E. Rick Stengel reminds us that "the real magic of the Time 100 is in the pairings. We match author to subject so the former can offer special insight on the latter." There's certainly special insight in Donald Trump's appreciation of subway hero Wesley Autrey.

· Pax Thien is getting another name change, though in fairness, this one shouldn't be as psychologically damaging as the one forced on him back in March.
· A recovering Roger Ebert dares the tabloids to make fun of his cancer.
· Showtime stars going to rehab only get Short Ends mentions.
· Finally, a wearable version of Dr. House's world-weary, drug-dependency-induced cynicism! At least it's for charity.
· The Alec Baldwin doll: a surefire way to smooth things over with the child your ex-wife has just forced you to berate.

The jilted celebrity weeklies' coordinated attacks on exclusive People collaborator Angelina Jolie continue in this week's Life & Style, with the second-tier glossy accusing the once-beatified orphan collector of being unable to love the overprivileged, tragically bland blob whose unparalleled genetic advantages may have robbed it of a personality compelling enough to hold Jolie's fickle attention, especially when she's constantly distracted by her hand-picked trio of fascinating refugees. If this anti-Jolie offensive drags on in the coming weeks, the actress may be forced to turn on Pitt, who's lately been cast as the put-upon partner of a selfish adoption addict in search of her next toddler-fix by her sensationalist nemeses, turning to her reliable public relations instrument in a shocking, retaliatory People exposé claiming "sources very close to the family" who reveal that Pitt is a "narcissist only able to love his biological baby" and who frequently refers to his adoptive family as "the fake kids."

· One billion Indian citizens raise their voices in harmony and declare: "Sanjaya's not our fucking fault! We swear!"
· TMZ, as you would expect, is all over the story about the porn star who signed a boob.
· This couch was once on American Idol. Therefore, you must own it.
· This is a partial list of Angelina Jolie's tattoos, because we know you're been wondering about such matters lately.
· A CNN.com plea for NBC to kill Studio 60.
· Is this the cutest thing you've ever seen? Trick question, because this is. We think we just pooped ourselves a little, so overcome are we by adorableness.

Today's Page Six weighs in on the trend of creeping anti-Jolieism currently sweeping the celebrity weeklies, who have quietly banded together to destroy the orphan-collecting actress for her selfish choice of hated rival People for all of her self-glorification needs. The relentless quest to punish Jolie for giving all the cutest, officially sanctioned photographs of her family to People reportedly has left her children vulnerable to tabloid attacks, even at the presumably safe haven of on-lot day care services:

Having already ruined drug abuse and eating disorders for "regular" women by constantly publicizing their more glamorous coke habits and protruding ribs in the pages of the supermarket tabloids, celebrities have now initiated a War on Motherhood, parading their perfectly sculpted baby bumps or racially balanced families of luxury-level orphans in front of People and Us Weekly's cameras in an attempt to establish unrealistic expectations for civilian moms. Reports ABC News on the troubling new trend:

· In the new Us Weekly: Learn how duplicitous dissociative identity disorder sufferer Angelina Jolie copes with her disease when her nurturing Stay at Home Angelina and selfish, careerist I Must Accept This Acting Gig On The Other Side Of the World Angie personalities get in a catfight!
· In tangentially related news, Scott Weiland's wife blames her bipolarity for her recent wardrobe-torching outburst. Next up: An impulse orphan buy she immediately regrets.
· P. Diddy admits crippling Snoop addiction.
· A famous Nazi assassin's descendant fears that Cruise is going to turn his new Hitler-hunting movie into a secret Scientology infomercial.
· God giveth cute, and He also taketh it away.

Did you really think that US was going to quietly let that whole Angelina Jolie thing go? Janice Min is reportedly peeved that People always gets the (apparently rigged) auction for the photos of her new Vietnamese son Pax Thien, and the mag's (diffy) story about the adoption in last week's issue clearly did nothing to quell her thirst for revenge.

· The always-accurate News of the World reports that Angelina Jolie has nothing to fear from Pax Thien's junkie birth-mother should she come looking to reclaim her son, as Vietnamese consumer protection laws are clearly on Jolie's side in such a case.
· We're not sure if the better question is "Why Woody Harrelson?" or "Why not Woody Harrelson?"
· The first-ever YouTubies are announced. And no Lonelygirl! But: Ninjas.
· Superboy: Teen Wolf?
· Nickelback: the Dane Cook of radio-friendly craprock.