Australian national hero and renowned tosser of telephones Russell Crowe got into a little kayaking trouble over the weekend. Crowe and a friend were paddling in the water near Long Island when they lost their way. After it became dark, they paddled to the nearest shore, which was in Huntington Bay – some ten miles from where they began their voyage. Eventually, a U.S. Coast Guard ship approached, and Crowe flagged it down.

For those of us shown Jaws at a too-young age, this is pretty much a worst case scenario: a thirteen foot, 1,600 pound Great White Shark washed up on a New England beach Saturday morning. Fishmerman Gary Severa discovered the wretched sea beast early Saturday on a beach near the Rhode Island – Massachusetts border.

In what is surely the biggest reveal of the campaign season so far, the Obama camp finally released the previously top secret recipe to Obama's two home brewed beers. White House chef Sam Kass posted the recipes for the beers – a honey ale and a honey porter – to the White House's blog on Saturday afternoon.

Sure, Clint Eastwood might have made headlines by having a one-sided debate with Invisible Obama, but the President bears him no ill will.

Despite an oppressive ad campaign, The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure did not overcome its "What the hell is this?" vibe.

In an op-ed published today, Archbishop and Nobel Peace Laureate Desmond Tutu does not mince words in his condemnation of the Iraq War:

Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini, the former archbishop of Milan, died Friday — but not before giving a final interview in which he condemned the Catholic Church for not getting with the times.

Republican vice presidential candidate and fitness enthusiast Paul Ryan has been caught in a lie that could destroy his political career.

Stevie Wonder is facing criticism for comments he made about Frank Ocean during an interview with The Guardian.

A silent seven-second call may prove crucial to the defense of James Holmes, the gunman charged with opening fire on a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises in July.

Big day for gross sodas. First, there was breaking news that Diet Pepsi is faker than ever. Now comes word that Taco Bell is adding a surely horrid new drink called Mtn Dew A.M. to its breakfast menu (ed. note: when did Taco Bell get breakfast?). Mtn Dew A.M. is a combination of regular disgusting Mountain Dew with Tropicana orange juice, so maybe it's healthy? Impossible to know because a "representative for Taco Bell wasn't immediately available to provide details on the orange juice-to-soda ratio in Mtn Dew A.M." Oh well.

Former Saturday Night Live star and current raving lunatic Victoria Jackson has some thoughts on Todd Akin and the controversy surrounding his "legitimate rape" comments. They are, of course, very scientific and well-researched. Here are some of her coherent opinions on the matter:

This is filmmaker Michael Cimino, who is in the midst of a revival of Heaven's Gate, which he directed 32 years ago. He is 73 years old. That photograph was taken yesterday at the Venice Film Festival. Here's a gallery of his face getting more and more horrible as time, and surgery after surgery, take their gruesome toll.

Rep. Todd Akin's office said it was deeply disturbed by comments made by Karl Rove this morning implying he might murder the controversial Missouri lawmaker.

Anonymous declared war on the New York Times this week, launching "OpNYT" on Wednesday. Unlike most actions by the crippled hacktivist collective these days, their attack on the Times doesn't just consist of writing boring, unreadable manifestos (though there is a lot of that). Anonymous has leaked 'secret' correspondences between New York Times reporters and Anonymous members, meant to expose the Times' "incompetence." Unfortunately for Anonymous, the documents reveal the exact opposite.

Welp, Canada fucked up again.

The U.S. of A, the greatest country on earth, has legally executed 27 people this year, and more than 1,300 since we resurrected the death penalty back in 1976. Mr. Presidential Candidates, what will YOUR administration do to ensure that the USA is not eclipsed by nations like Iraq and Gambia, who are trying to Even Greater Than Us, in a "killing their own citizens" sense?

CBS looks poised to welcome Robin Williams back to the small screen full-time following a thirty-year absence.

Sherman Hemsley, who died five weeks ago, still hasn't been buried because of a conflict involving his will. The Jeffersons star's will, which was signed just six weeks before his death, left his estate, estimated at $50,000, to his longtime partner and manager, Flora Enchinton. But before Enchinton could claim it, a man named Richard Thornton appeared from nowhere (or Philadelphia, if you want to be exact), claiming to be Hemsley's long lost brother. Throrton says Hemsley's will might not be real, and he's contesting it. But Enchinton says she knew and lived with Hemsley for more than 20 years, and he never once mentioned a brother. So they're fighting over the $50,000.

Prepare yourself for a yarn from the high seas that's so exciting and dangerous it makes Jaws look like fucking Babe. This maritime drama stars none other than Simon Cowell, a British man known mostly for being mean to amateur singers on musical game shows. The setting: Cowell's yacht off the coast of St. Tropez. Are you ready for this epic story of unparalleled "heroism," which comes direct to you from The Hollywood Reporter? You better be, because there's no going back now.