David Petraeus, the retired Army general, disgraced CIA director, and embattled CUNY professor, recently started teaching at USC in Los Angeles, where he will lecture about international relations and mentor student-veterans and Trojans participating in ROTC.

Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan, convicted of murdering 13 people and attempting to murder 32 more at Fort Hood, Texas in 2009, has been sentenced to death by lethal injection.

It's 2013 and Guantanamo Bay is still open, insanely. Newly released Army documents obtained by Gawker shed light on life inside America's most infamous prison, where classified documents are burned in coffee cans, American guards are converted to Islam by the suspected terrorists they watch over, and wily detainees wage their own counterintelligence campaigns.

In response to the paper's reporting on the NSA, the US Army has issued an “Armywide” restriction on web access to certain articles in The Guardian.

On Wednesday, the US Army announced that a sergeant first class at the United States Military Academy at West Point has been accused of secretly filming female cadets as they undressed and took showers.

The Pentagon announced Tuesday night that an Army sergeant in charge of sexual assault prevention at Ft. Hood is under investigation for sexual assault. The investigation, according to Pentagon officials and a Capitol Hill staffer who spoke to USA Today, focuses on accusations that the soldier forced a subordinate into a prostitution ring and sexually assaulted two others.

The Army's clearly bored contingent of public affairs soldiers in Afghanistan would like to introduce you to Bagram Batman, the star of this strangely amusing series of safety PSAs that's DOD-sponsored... and taxpayer-funded.

Two years after scandal-free former General David Petraeus lifted an eight-month ban on fast-food restaurants on military bases in Afghanistan (Burger King, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut were popular options), the Washington Post is now reporting that obesity is a leading cause of ineligibility for potential army volunteers and current military personnel. Over 1600 soldiers were kicked out of the Army in the first ten months of 2012 alone, or 16 times the amount expelled in 2007.

A group of military women, all Iraq or Afghanistan veterans, are suing to force the US military to end its ban on women in "direct combat jobs," contending that A) women end up fighting anyhow due to the eradication of "front lines" in modern warfare, and B) the exclusion from formal combat assignments severely limits women's ability to ascend the military's career ladder. So, great. Let them fight!

Isaac Aguigui, the Army private and alleged ringleader of a plot to assassinate Barack Obama and "take over" Ft. Stewart in Georgia, apparently served as a page at the 2008 Republican National Convention in Minnesota. That's his mug shot after he was arrested for the alleged murder of Pvt. Michael Roark on the left. At right is a 2008 Reuters photo with the caption: "Republican National Convention page Isaac Aguigui watches from the edge of the floor at the start of the first session of the 2008 Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota September 1, 2008."

According to this four-paragraph Associated Press story that raises more questions than it answers, four soldiers based in Georgia hatched an "anarchist" plot to assassinate Barack Obama and take control of Fort Stewart, and then allegedly killed a fellow soldier to keep their plans secret.

In 2010, for the second year in a row, more American soldiers killed themselves than died in combat. Military officials knew they had an epidemic on their hands, but they didn't know how to mitigate the hyper-complex problem. It wasn't as easy as saying, "they all have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," because a significant number of the soldiers who were killing themselves had never even seen combat.

This is America. This ain't Saskatoon or Piscataway or Buddhistan or some other foreign speck of dust. This is America. We have an army. A god damn capital-A Army. A big badass American army with big ol' guns. And that army needs soldiers. Lots of soldiers. Lots of big god damn badass American soldiers to carry some big guns and show the freaks and the geek's what's what. There's Jesus in Heaven and there's god above and he gave man dominion over all things and guess what, that man is called The You Ess God Damn Army. Now you tell me, son: where exactly do you think we should find a bunch of god damn red-blooded boys ready to kill for god and country? Should we, should we, should we look up under the couch cushions? Should we look up under the floormat? Hey, I think I left m' god damn US Army recruits on my nightstand table! Should we look there? Hot shot? Oh, you probably think we should look up in the god damn fabric store, eh? How bout we look for one million future globe-dominating soldiers up in the La-mozz class? Is that it? Maybe we should go on down to the, to the Yankee Candle store down at the outlet mall and ask if they have any assistant managers lookin' for a little excitement? Maybe that's where we'll find the future Navy SEALS of America? Maybe a bunch of posey-picking little girls will beat up the next Sad-dam? Is that it? Or do you think maybe, maybe, maybe we should, lemme just propose this to ya, maybe we should take a look down at the ol' Nascar track? You think? Ya think that one might be a better idea, smart guy? Maybe we should go have a look at the ol' football stadium? For some strong young fellas? Would that be alright with you, pinky? Maybe we can find a few strong young boys who know a little something about kickin' butt down at the drag-racing spot, eh? That alright with you, Albert Einstein? Thank you so much. So if it ain't too much trouble and all, we're just gonna keep on spendin' our $80 million a year sponsorin' some stock cars and football games under the name of the God Damn Army of the United States of America, thank you very much. So stop your god damn bellyaching about it. There's still a few good men left in Congress, thank god.

Here is a video of some Chinese soldiers tossing around a live hand grenade, dumping it into a hole, and then acrobatically leaping away from the blast in unison like some weird Busby Berkeley number from Hell. When did it happen? Is it real? Why are the doing this? Who knows. The Atlantic Wire has some ideas. Go China!

A 22-year-old soldier was arrested Friday morning by Army counterintelligence agents in Alaska on suspicion of espionage. Sounds familiar.

A soldier tries to sleep. But he is not safe in his dreams. Jolted awake by a nightmare, the combat veteran fumbles in the dark for his 3-D glasses. He puts them on. Around him are the faces of people whom he trusts. They fight the darkness with him. The soldier's re-lived this scene in his head and the laboratory over and over again, until it has become reassuringly familiar. The soldier knows that his pixelated friends will take him away from these troubled dreams. When the scene is over, he takes off his goggles and looks around him. The soldier is home.

Speaking at the Council on Foreign Relations in New York on Thursday, shit-canned former head of the United States Army, Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal, said that the war in Afghanistan is a botched operation:

To celebrate the end of the military's ban against openly gay servicemembers, a gay soldier stationed in Germany decided to come out to his family and the world in the most public way possible: by recording a video and posting it on the internet. It's the sweetest thing we've seen in a long time.

Yes, homosexuals, you can openly serve in your nation's military starting tomorrow. There's even a letter on officially Army stationery and everything. That seems so fancy and...well, gay!

As if today weren't sufficiently SADurday enough: Retired U.S. Army general and former Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman died today in Washington state. He was 75.