• Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' alleged mistress, is calling the allegations that she had an affair with the golfer "dumb," "stupid," and "ridiculous," and says "it's like asking me to comment if there are aliens on earth." Worst of all, she's bummed that as a result of this whole saga some "nice, normal guy" that she might eventually settle down with is "going to have a tainted view" of her. Meanwhile, friends and former colleagues of Uchitel say the party-promoting, celebrity-wrangling widow and divorcée has been obsessed with getting close to celebrities for years, is a "drama queen" and "fire-starter," and has had numerous run-ins with her employers in the past. [NYP, NYDN]
• What's Tiger up to? He bailed out of a golf tournament in California later this week and still hasn't come out of his house. [Us, NYP]
• Troubled Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson was arrested yesterday for stealing jewelry, clothing, shoes, and even underwear from a model pal. The really disturbing part: Johnson allegedly left a wet towel and "used vibrator" at the scene of the crime as her "calling card." [NYP, TMZ]
• Tareq and Michaele Salahi, "the most infamous party crashers in the world," appeared on the Today show this morning to tell Matt Lauer they did nothing wrong. The couple claim some mystery evidence—to be released at a later date— will prove they were invited to last week's state dinner. [MSNBC]

• In what may be the weirdest celebrity extortion attempt ever, a German male model named Edis Kayalar has been arrested for trying to blackmail Cindy Crawford and her husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy" photo of the couple's then 7-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." Apparently, the pic had been taking by the girl's former babysitter during an innocent game of cops and robbers and she used to date Kayalar. [NYDN, People]
• All those phone calls that Michael Lohan recorded may ultimately land him in jail (again). A 2005 protective order obtained by Dina Lohan banned him from communicating with her by email or phone until 2011. [TMZ]
• Spend enough time on Twitter and you, too, may find yourself dating a beautiful young starlet! Emmy Rossum says her relationship with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz "began with a Tweet," believe it or not. [People]

• Rihanna has a new album to promote, which explains why she's suddenly breaking her silence about the personal troubles she's faced over the past year. She addresses the Chris Brown incident in an interview in the current issue of Glamour. And she'll discuss it again on Thursday when she sits down to an interview with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America. [People, Sun, Glamour]
• Related: Rihanna attended Mariah Carey's Halloween party the other night, but the two divas refused to exchange a word. [P6]
• Kate Hudson says she quit drinking to get ready for a film role (and not because she's pregnant). She also says the diamond ring she's been wearing is not because she's engaged to A-Rod. (She says she isn't.) [P6]

• Madonna is taking a quick trip over to Malawi this weekend "to lay the foundation stone" at the new "multi-million dollar girls school she's building." That's funny. We could swear we heard about another celebrity doing almost exact same thing not too long ago. Oh, yes, her! Hopefully this time around there's a little less controversy. And let's also hope Malawian schoolchildren are ready to study Kabbalah from dawn till dusk. [Reuters]
• In related news, Madonna's ex, Alex Rodriguez, now appears to be taking an interest in Buddhism thanks to girlfriend Kate Hudson. Or at least he's pretending to be interested in it to make her happy. You decide! [NYDN]
• Ashlee Simpson-Wentz—sister of Jessica, wife of Pete, and the character Violet on The CW's Melrose Place—is now unemployed. Melrose's producers are taking a "It's not you, it's me" approach and saying the decision to cut her out of the show had nothing to do with the fact she can't act, but was because that had been their plan for the character from the beginning. [EW, People]

Simpson-Wentz loses her role on Melrose. Madonna is building a school in Malawi. Lindsay Lohan coaxes a club into lifting its ban on her presence. Come, enjoy the fruits of Friday's gossip.

It's been a tough year for Annie Leibovitz, but maybe she can start fresh from here on out? The financially challenged photographer turns 60 today. Others celebrating: designer Donna Karan is turning 61. Kelly Ripa turns 39. Lorraine Bracco is 55. Sting is 58. Actress Camilla Belle is turning 23. '80s pop star Tiffany is 37. And two of Hugh Hefner's latest girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon, are turning 20. A roundup of a few people celebrating birthdays this weekend—including Al Sharpton and Liev Schreiber—is below.

• Ivanka Trump has a set a date for her wedding to real estate scion Jared Kushner. It will go down on October 25 at—where else?—the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. Mark your calendars! [P6]
• Emma Watson is doing her best to "blend in" now that she's a freshman at Brown. Which is a little hard to do when you have the paparazzi tracking your every move on campus, clearly. [NYDN]
• The Olsen twins will be bartending this evening at Barneys as part of the festivities planned for Fashion's Night Out. So Mary-Kate must have just been training the other night when she was spotted "chain-smoking and throwing back shots." [P6]
• Ellen DeGeneres has been tapped to replace Paula Abdul as a judge on the ninth season of American Idol. [E!]

Julianne Moore walking in the West Village ... Kim Cattrall crossing the street with Pat Field ... Blake Lively and Penn Badgley walking to the set of Gossip Girl ... Ashlee Simpson leaving MTV studios, and going to dinner at Nobu with friends ... Becki Newton and Michael Urie filming scenes for Ugly Betty in the East Village ... Gerard Butler hanging out in Chelsea ... Taylor Momsen walking with a bodyguard on the Upper West Side ... Anderson Cooper interviewing Drew Barrymore in Times Square for a 60 Minutes segment ... and Daniel Craig walking to rehearsals for his new Broadway show.

Russell Simmons and Tina Brown having lunch yesterday at Da Silvano ... Cynthia Nixon walking downtown ... Daniel Craig carrying boxes into a building in Midtown, and then bumping into Diddy, who was was standing outside ... Ashlee Simpson arriving at JFK ... Blake Lively carrying an American Eagle shopping bag ... Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard walking in SoHo ... Al Pacino filming scenes for You Don't Know Jack in Brooklyn ... actor David Eigenberg standing with his son and wife on the Sex and the City set ... Hilary Duff talking on her cell phone ... and Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan holding hands in SoHo.

If you don't have a DVR (for shame!), you're going to need to know when to sit down to catch your favorite series, like Mad Men, Project Runway, Gossip Girl, and 30 Rock. Then go buy a TiVo. Really.

Ashlee Simpson got drunk at a party and made a spectacle of herself by screaming at Pete Wentz's ex Michelle Trachtenberg, Brad Pitt shares hygiene secrets, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush marriage rumors swirl, and Chris Pine dumped Audrina Patridge.

John Turturro giving an autograph to Mario Batali's sons Leo and Benno outside Bar Pitti ... Elle Macpherson leaving lunch at Le Bilboquet on the UES... Ed Westwick walking in Soho ... Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds entering his hotel in Midtown ... Tracy Morgan leaving an event at Town Hall ... Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong walking with wife Adrienne in Soho ... Matthew Broderick riding a scooter with son James in the Village ... Shawn Johnson arriving at the Gramercy Park Hotel ... Jenna Elfman posing for pictures outside an SUV ... and Lindsay Price leaving the London Hotel on West 54th Street.

May 19 @ 2:15pm Just spotted Ashlee, Pete, and Bronx Mowgli entering Central Park at 64th and 5th, conveniently blocking the bus lane with their gigantic SUV. [Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com]

Adrien Brody talking on his cell phone in the East Village ... Mark Ronson having lunch at Da Silvano with his sister Samantha and Q-Tip ... Ashlee Simpson carrying son Bronx outside their hotel in Midtown ... Kate Hudson getting out of a taxi on Mercer Street ... Brad Pitt leaving the Standard Hotel ... Chace Crawford and 50 Cent hanging out on the set of Twelve ... Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze playing with Matilda in Brooklyn ... Ryan Gosling getting out of a cab ... America Ferrera shooting scenes for Ugly Betty ... Kim Kardashian going into Butter ... and Madonna leaving dinner at Nobu 57.

People are planning for Liz Taylor's death, if only because of they were caught so thoroughly unawares by Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's reported marriage problems and Nadya Suleman being called a horrid mom.

• The Jeremy Piven sushi drama just won't quit. Piven's dispute with producers over his decision to leave the cast of Speed-the-Plow will now be heard by an arbitrator in June. But Piven doesn't seem too worried: He says he's "looking forward to testifying," since President Obama recently described mercury poisoning as "the world's gravest chemical problem." [Reuters, Us, TMZ]
• Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were supposedly spotted "making out" at the Sunset Tower Hotel earlier this month. At least that's what the Star says. [Star]
• Are David Duchovny and Tea Leoni getting back together? They were spotted "canoodling" on the beach in Mustique. [NYDN]
• Scarlett Johansson is on a "rigid diet" at the moment. She's also the "new muse" of Moet & Chandon, just so you know. [P6, WWD]

Everyone everywhere is mad about Terminator. Ashlee Simpson continues to plague us, as does The View. More film work for Tracy Morgan! And Julia Roberts too.

• Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou are married. Sort of. The couple reportedly traveled to Africa last summer to tie the knot in a secret ceremony, but the marriage isn't valid in the US since Kimora was still married to Russell Simmons at the time. But Djimon went shopping for an engagement ring last week, so they'll sort it all out soon enough. [NYDN]
• An escort who claims she serviced Eliot Spitzer has lots of details to share about the encounter, if you're feeling brave this morning. Among other things, she claims he liked to choke her during sex. [R&M]
• Jeffrey Toobin doesn't believe that he's the father of Casey Greenfield's baby, although she's asking for a paternity test to know for sure. [R&M]
• Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have split up. Again. [People]

The widely circulated images of confusing-exercise-video survivor Jessica Simpson at a Florida chili festival probably weren't what the singer had in mind when she recently told a handler, "I wanna be big again!"

Pete's in a band called Fall Out Boy, Ashlee Simpson is the failed-musician younger sister of a failed musician. They just had a kid named Bronx Mowgli, so Pete went on Howard Stern's radio mess to discuss matters important to all: boffing. Here's what he said!