PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Tobey Maguire doing the Vincent Chase thing in the lobby of the Century City AMC.
In the spectrum of embarrassing public celebrity moments, nothing comes close to the perennial classic Famous Person Falling Down. Failing accidental injury, however, you can never go wrong with the nearly as satisyfing Celebrity Mistakenly Overestimating Their Own Importance. The following Ashton Kutcher sighting sent in by a Defamer operative is about as perfect a specimen of the latter category as could possibly exist:
In Des Moines visiting family for the long weekend, Ashton Kutcher and cougar spouse Demi Moore found a way to bring a little Hollywood A-list celebrity entitlement to the American heartland. After DJ AM text-messaged that he would be spinning at local nightclub Aura, the couple showed up with Moore's daughter, Scout. They then proceeded to party until closing time, safely sequestered from any non-celebrities by the club's accommodating staff:
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw the lonesome Brokeback cowboys going through the paces with their women.
In what has to be the biggest no-brainer in the annals of casting history, Warner Bros. (the studio who brought you big-screen remakes of Starsky & Hutch and, less successfully, The Dukes of Hazzard) has placed Erik Estrada's blue helmet on Wilmer "Fez" Valderrama's head, anointing him to star as Ponch in an "action-comedy" (read: neither exciting nor funny) remake of ChiPs. It appears that the role of whitebread partner Jon Baker hasn't yet been cast, but if you rush to your preferred place of worship and make the appropriate offerings to your deity, there may still be time to prevent Ashton Kutcher from getting the job, a move which would almost certainly trigger a cataclysmic tidal wave that would wipe out everything from Santa Monica to Las Vegas. And quite frankly, we all deserve to suffer His righteous wrath if we allow the studio to complete such an unholy coupling.
· ABC climbs quickly back in bed with recently ousted Commander in Chief creator/showrunner Rod Lurie, who will get to write and direct the second installment of his planned "Improbable Office-Holders" trilogy with Triumph, the story of an 18 year old mayor. Should the pilot get a series order, ABC and the strong-willed Lurie plan on parting bitterly after the third episode, in which the manchild mayor loses his virginity to an entire brothelful of prostitutes. [Variety]
· Jessica Simpson is in negotiations to star with Dane Cook in Lions Gate's Employee of the Month. Simpson's father/manager is getting a producing credit, and a healthy bonus awaits if he can maintain the illusion that his daughter's marriage is still intact while simultaneously feeding rumors of an affair with her co-star to US Weekly. [THR]
· Ashton Kutcher's Katalyst sets up the reincarnation pilot For Pete's Sake at NBC. Producing partner Jason Goldberg notes Kutcher's personal stamp on the project: in their world, celebrities automatically get into heaven. Indeed, no one could possibly doubt Kutcher's involvement now that he's turning the afterlife into the Spider Club. [Variety]
· Not even NBC's potent Poseidon Adventure triumvirate of Adam Baldwin, Rutger Hauer, and Steve Guttenberg could get within spitting distance of the ABC Sunday night Nielsen wrecking ball, making the Guttenberg/Patrick Dempsey Police Academy/Loverboy face-off somewhat anticlimactic. [THR]
· CBS will pit underemployed, fading celebrities against each other in classic gameshows for an American version of British hit Gameshow Marathon. The public will certainly clamor to watch a third season Survivor loser and Brad Garrett match wits in a heated Card Sharks contest. [Variety]
· We don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about the age difference between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. He's older than her tits, and that should be good enough for everyone. And if you were too impatient to wait until you finished this item to follow that link, you probably don't know that the photo is fake.
· We really hope that the ghostwriter who produced Nicole Richie's novel was well compensated for his or her time. It should make the eternal bath in hellflame a little easier to bear.
· When the forced internment in your church's Redemption Camp isn't quite enough, there's Hetracil.
· Coming soon to a Jay Leno punchline near you: Billy Joel returning to the road in January.
· If you somehow missed the incredible story of those lesbian cheerleaders, Deadspin's got you covered.
· CBS joins NBC in offering free content for a low, low $.99 price, through Comcast's on-demand system. NBC, also reportedly close to a deal with Apple to make their content available for the iPod, ups the ante by promising downloaders that they'll have the added ability to cancel anything from their Fall schedule directly from their handheld media player. [Variety]
· Blockbuster endures a "hefty" $491 million third quarter loss, prepares for the day that their stores become very cheerfully decorated squats (with almost unlimited microwave popcorn!) for the homeless. [THR]
· Laura Linney strives for "2004 Ben Stiller" levels of ubiquity, will simultaneously film the comedy Man of the Year and spy thriller Breach. [Variety]
· "Ashton Kutcher already has joined the cast of the action drama." Are there any sweeter words in all of Hollywood? [THR]
· "What do you mean Uwe Boll's not available? OK, what other video-game specialist hack needs to eat this week? The Resident Evil guy? Bring him to me!" [Variety]
· Fox commits to the Ashton Kutcher-produced pilot 30 Year Old Grandpa, in which a young guy marries a "mature" lady and winds up a stepdad to children close to his own age. How does the creative genius Kutcher come up with these wonderful ideas? Deal was reached after Kutcher's Katalyst Productions agreed to change the title from the edgier How I Boned Your Mother.* [Variety]
· SpongeBob Squarepants will soon debut in 120 million Chinese households, helping the government's desperate attempts at population control by attempting to turn an entire generation of children gay. [THR]
· Former King of Queens showrunners Josh Goldsmith and Cathy Yuspa are the latest writers trying to translate 24 into sitcom form with the pilot A Day in the Life (each season is one wacky day!) for ABC, who have apparently forgotten they tried to do it earlier this year with the original version of Jake in Progress. [Variety]
· Michael J. Fox will make a triumphant return to television as a guest star on Boston Legal, where he will play a character battling lung cancer, not Parkinson's disease.. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Yet Another Scary Movie Redo Edition: New Line buys the distribution rights to Hong Kong horror remake In-Utero, in which a pregnant woman who sees spirits and whatnot. [Variety]
· All kidding aside: How Bruce Willis has avoided suicide this long is one of Hollywood's biggest mysteries. If the sight of that fedora didn't make him blow his brains out all over Kutcher's white suit, nothing will.
· Just in case you're the last person on earth to hear about today's release of the video iPod, onto which you can download day-old episodes of Lost and Desperate Housewives thanks to Steve Jobs' unholy alliance with Disney, here you go. And if somehow this link that goes directly to Apple's site makes a free one show up in our mailbox, so be it. We are not ashamed of being whores to our shiny, white master.
· We are willing to bet that this MAC ad is not very popular among a select group of very high-powered publicists.
· "All the girls ended up getting naked in the movie. It’s really amazing, they want $30,000 to $40,000 a day to pose for Playboy, but we got them to do it for $200 a day, scale!” Don't forget, that low, low fee also includes the golden showers.
• You may mock Ashton Kutcher's choice of headwear for his wedding attire, but be aware that the white fedora is the yarmulke of choice for Kabbalahists everywhere. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Fanciful Gawker alum Choire Sicha takes 3000 words of the Observer's precious pink space to tell you that which you already know: He's a big 'mo cruising public restrooms for love. [NYO]
• Cynthia Nixon and her lover, presented without comment. We don't think our words could do the union justice. [JJB]
• Camel toads are a rare breed, often found hiding in the warm, soggy crotches of ill-advised stretch pants. [Revo1]
• Somebody better tell this bitch to close her legs. [CNN]
• The artist in her element: Paris Hilton pretends to record her album. [Hello]
• And, because one Paris link is simply not enough: Simple Life cancelled mid-production? [WoW]
• Not even a week after Paris Hilton officially announced the break-off of her engagement to Paris Latsis, the heiress has been spotted skanking around with Stavros Niarchos, aka Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend. If our little squirrel twin goes into an anorexic tailspin because of this, we will kill Hilton with our bare hands. Bitch. [Page Six]
• Because everyone (but you) has a book deal, CNN's silver hearthrob Anderson Cooper is reportedly pulling around $1 million for a memoir of the past year of his life. Even more amazing: The furious bidding war for Cooper's tome was sparked by, well, nothing — there's no proposal, no outline, just the magic of Coop. [Lowdown]
• What's up with Lindsay Lohan's crankypants? They certainly don't fit her well, especially now that she's eating. [Page Six]
• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore may be legally married, but their crackpot Kabbalah rabbi wasn't ordained — meaning their union is less kosher than a pulled pork sandwich.
• When things don't go well at Damon Dash's America mag, the Roc-a-fella co-founder throws punches. [R&M]
• Did Sienna Miller miscarry cheating beau Jude Law's baby? Perhaps, although it's equally likely that if there was the loss of a baby, it might've been a bit more intentional. We're just sayin'. [R&M]
• Tara Reid lashes out at the media yet again for its insistence on portraying the Taradise star as a demented lush. Yes, dear media, it's your fault she morphed into a human tequila popper and can't score a decent gig to save her left tit. [Page Six]
• Demi Moore's wedding to little brother Ashton Kutcher has been confirmed. Sorry. [Fox 411]
• Even more disappointing is word that OK! has paid an absurd $3 million for rights to the demonic marriage ritual. Meanwhile, Katrina evacuees could use some blankets. [Lowdown]
• Supermodel Carmen Kass fainted backstage at the Prada show in Milan. Hunger tends to do that to you. [Page Six]
· Tom Cruise will be giving a series of free lectures on "The Modern Science of Mental Health" at the Celebrity Centre, which is a little like Nicole Richie speaking at a pro-ana meeting about healthy weight-loss strategies. In case you're wondering about how well-balanced an examination of the issues at hand will be offered, the first lecture is called "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia, and What Scientologists Can Do About It." In the third seminar, Cruise will personally—personally!—burn a psychiatrist at the stake.UPDATE: A reader who called the Centre tells us that the lecture series is a fake. A "complete fabrication," actually. Our bullshit detectors were at half-power by the end of the day. Sorry! Pretty good parody, though.
· "No, Viggo, no! You're doing it all wrong! Now please stand aside as I fuck my wife and show you what I'm looking for."
· If Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher did actually get married last weekend, how long will it last? Oddjack breaks down the betting line.
· Anna Nicole Smith is dragging her dead husband's $474 million bones all the way to the Supreme Court, where a suspiciously sympathetic Clarence Thomas awaits, booby-trapped Coke can in hand.
Somewhere deep in the bowels of their Beverly Hills headquarters, a Star Chamber of red-cloaked Kabbalic High Priests is sharing a jubilant, demented, crescendoing laugh: Saturday night, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (or as they refer to her, 'our Rosemary') tied the knot, aka 'smashed the glass.' Us Weekly claims the scoop, and we're inclined to give it to them, lest they solicit our 13-year-old ass for sex over the internet, too:
More proof that God is dead or, worse, never existed: Brat Pack actress Demi Moore and her adopted son, Punk'd puppy Ashton Kutcher, sealed the deal on Saturday night in Beverly Hills with an intimate, Kabbalah-tinged wedding held in a private home. Attendees at the last-minute ceremony included Moore's ex-husband Bruce Willis and their three daughters, plus notables such as Lucy Liu, Wilmer Valderrama, Soleil Moon Frye, George Gaynes, and Cherie Johnson.
Several readers have alerted us to the appearance of AshtonHacked.com, a site claiming to have hacked into Ashton Kutcher's voicemail and posted them on the internets, the world's preferred delivery system for suddenly less-than-private celebrity communications. (A timely stunt for sure, considering that the rascal responsible for unleashing Paris Hilton's Sidekick business on the world was just sentenced to 11 months in juvie.) While we always want to believe that these things are authentic, we're already skeptical—someone in the Fark forum points out that Kutcher's alleged passcode, 7865, spells out PUNK, too obvious even for someone of the Kooch's limited gifts. Real or not, make sure you keep your speakers turned down low if you click through to the message labeled "Hot Chick," which quickly gets so filthy that it could make Demi Moore's gray roots grow out in minutes.
Some readers noticed this unfortunate eyesore on Melrose during their morning commutes yesterday, and a couple sent in these pictures to document the "edgy" stunt that transformed the exterior of Ashton Kutcher's Dolce restaurant into a cheap set from Breakin' for an Emmy party. Urban blight has never been so stylish! No reports yet from the horrors that may have unfolded inside the building (dirty cardboard for headspins? UTFO soundtrack? Complimentary parachute pants?), but we'll update you if and when they become available.
· Creepy Stunt-Casting Alert! Former Demi Moore spouse Bruce Willis will appear on an episode of That 70s Show with current Moore boyfriend/possible impregnator Ashton Kutcher. Self-referential jokes about sharing the same woman will certainly follow (and, we suspect, a surprise Moore cameo). Creepiness-mitigating silver lining: Willis is donating his fee to the Red Cross. [Variety]
· Paramount enables Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese to author a fourth chapter in their cinematic love affair, optioning the rights to the Teddy Roosevelt bio The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt. Sounds like an Oscar-baiting vehicle in which DiCaprio gets to physically transform himself from an asthmatic, 25 year-old wimp to a "burly," somewhat less wimpy-seeming Rough Rider. We'll do our best not to laugh at Leo in Teddy's signature moustache. [Variety]
· Monster's Ball director Mark Forster will direct the adaptation of the mega-best-selling The Kite Runner for DreamWorks. Or for Universal, or for whatever big studio eventually buys up what's left of Steven Spielberg's dreams. [THR]
· Fox wins Sunday night with football, The Simpsons, and The Family Guy. [THR]
· Ang Lee's gay cowboy yarn, Brokeback Mountain, wins the Venice Film Festival's Golden Lion. But American audiences have to wait until December 9th to witness Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal's hot cowpoking action. [Variety]
