· Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Feature-to-TV Recycling Edition: Demonstrating a company-wide commitment to reducing its new-idea-footprint, NBC Universal's USA Network plans a TV series based on Thank You for Smoking, while its NBC flagship will try to adapt Outsourced into a primetime workplace comedy. [Variety, Variety]
· If this doesn't stoke your interest in the upcoming Ashton Kutcher/Carmeon Diaz comedy What Happens in Vegas... (not to be confused with the recently announced, Kutcher-free Dude, Where's My Groom?) nothing will: Queen Latifah has signed on for a cameo so hilarious that if the details of her participation were to escape, the entire project would be doomed to turnaround. [THR]
· Just in case you hadn't heard, last week's WGA contract talks weren't as friendly as they could have been. [Variety]
· NBC wins Sunday night behind its Packers-Bears football game, beating lineups from ABC and CBS that dropped off from last week's numbers. [THR]
· While American moviegoers largely shunned this weekend's offerings, overseas ticket-buyers turned out for Rataouille to the the tune of $19.7 million. [Variety]

This is the latest clip released from the voice-over-IP gadget maker and its creative genius, teen idol Ashton Kutcher. The creepy kid actor is back, and he nicely fills his role as a low-budget Damien from The Omen. Notice the video never mentions the product or company itself — probably a good thing. Better to keep the brand name as far as possible from the crappy production and bad acting. Even Michael Arrington at TechCrunch, who has given mostly favorable coverage to Ooma in the past, calls this video drug-induced. We agree. The question is, what kind of drug? I vote peyote — put your guesses in the comments.

To entice potential customers, Ooma created the commercial above to get viral attention about its product. Ooma "creative director" Ashton Kutcher — Mr. Demi Moore himself — produced the clip, which features an unfortunately dressed creepy kid actor and more quick cuts than an anime cartoon. We already had our doubts about the viability of the service. This doesn't help.

Now that wife Demi Moore has pried the trucker hat from betwixt his twitching fingers and buried it in the backyard, Ashton Kutcher evidently feels uniquely qualified to help us bid adieu to the concept of the preening, pomade-encrusted metrosexual — so 2004 — and usher in a new era in the storied history of male grooming. In an essay the actor penned for Harper's Bazaar, Kutcher helpfully suggests that women should treat their dates like the pretty, empty husks of man-candy that they are:

At first I was loath to even join in what Uncov calls the "A-list rub and tug" on Ooma, the telecom startup launched by Andrew Frame, the entrepreneur who looks like a model, and Ashton Kutcher, the Hollywood star who actually was a model. Like its founders, Ooma is all looks, no substance. Launched late, Ooma's product, a piece of hardware that lets you place free phone calls over the Internet, looks set to flop, as insiders predicted, because its creators fundamentally misunderstand both consumers and technology. But at least the box, like Frame and Kutcher, is pretty. Read on to learn why looks don't matter in telecom — and why we're putting Ooma on immediate deathwatch.

Today Page Six ran two blind items, the first of which was so obvious that if you don't get it then, really, we feel sorry for you. But the second one left us scratching our heads! It said: "WHICH too-good-to-be-real Hollywood leading man and his hard-bodied wife deserve Oscars for their portrayal of a perfect marriage? They both have secret lives with members of the same sex." Hmm! Options were proposed and summarily dismissed for various reasons, until finally we came up with a list of suitable candidates. Guesses, in the form of a poll, after the jump; feel free to leave additional options, as always, in the comments.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time Warren Beatty displayed poor elevator button-pressing etiquette.

· Displaying the kind of out-of-the-box vision that recently won him NBC's top programming job at the tender age of 19 (so young, we know!), Ben Silverman has acquired the rights to the Colombian televovela Sin tetas no hay paraiso (Without Breasts There is No Paradise), the story of a woman who seeks a breast enlargement as a solution to her poverty and gets entangled in prostitution. "I scour the world for the best ideas and for the game-changing hit shows and Sin Tetas is one of those shows," crowed Silverman about his get. "Dude, it's like my huge ABC success Ugly Betty, but with hookers and big tits. I've got another winner here, I just know it." [Variety]
· And with leadership like that, why wouldn't NBC Universal be "upbeat" about their network's prospects? [THR]
· The Middle East is hottest war-torn setting in Hollywood right now, with "at least six" films about the region on the way between June and early 2008. [Variety]
· Bruce Willis and daughter Rumer will spend some quality time together building up their family business on the set of The Sophomore, a "teenage take on Chinatown." Unfortunately, Mischa Barton, once famously out-acted by some scene-hogging patio furniture in a pivotal moment on The OC, is also attached to the intriguing project. [THR]
· Speaking of the Willis family business, Rumer step-dad Ashton Kutcher is producing another movie. Details available, but uninteresting. [Variety]

· Let the CancellationWatch begin: After finishing fifth on Monday night with about 3 million viewers, On the Lot's ratings creep up to a still-anemic 4 million on Tuesday. We recommend that you enjoy judge Carrie Fisher's desperate attempts to marry off her daughter to the "next Spielberg" while you still can. [Variety, Variety]
· But here's some news sure to cheer you up: Dane Cook continues to work, and is in negotiations to star in comedy Bachelor No. 2, in which he'll play an asshole who tries to drive girls back to the guys they just dumped by taking them on hilariously bad dates. [THR]
· As if sleeping underneath an autographed photo of NBC legend Brandon Tartikoff as a child didn't prove new NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman's love of all things Peacock, he lets the industry know just how badly he ached for the gig: "I am taking a massive financial hit, which is a testament to how passionate I am about this job." Ah, there's nothing more heartwarming than a former agent publicly disclosing the pay cut he's allegedly taking to chase his Hollywood dream. [Variety]
· Meanwhile, Silverman will remain involved at Reveille (with which NBC extended its first-look deal for another two years) as a silent owner and won't have a financial stake in its new shows, a well-thought-out arrangement that is sure to be utterly free of troubling conflicts of interest. Everyone wins! [Variety]
· Ashton Kutcher's Katalyst Films signs an overall deal with CBS Corp., a move that clearly establishes the Punk'd star and up-and-coming producer as the eventual successor to Les Moonves, himself a former terrible actor with boundless ambition. [THR]

· Fox reaches into a hat containing slips of paper with the names of actors, wacky situations, and clichéd expressions written on them, producing the Cameron Diaz/Ashton Kutcher project What Happens in Vegas, the story of two people who wake up to discover they've gotten married—and won a huge jackpot!—following a night of debauchery. [Variety]
· Get on the phone with your friends and figure out who's going to host the viewing party: The The Hollywood Reporter's 36th Annual Key Art Awards are coming! [THR]
· Elijah Wood playing Iggy Pop? Sure, why not? After yesterday's announced Tim Allen/David Mamet project, we're open to anything. [Variety]
· Fox signs up 24 for two more seasons, keeping Kiefer Sutherland in beer money through 2009. [THR]
· Cannes kicks off today! Obviously we're not there, so we feel we can be bitterly dismissive of all the Rivieria-side orgies we're missing out on. [Variety]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so if lady luck should happen to gift you with one, don't squander it: Write it up and send it in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted David Hasselhoff working off a cheeseburger at your gym.

· U.K.'s ITV and NBC are concurrently developing their own versions of the gameshow The Great American Singing Bee from producers Phil Gurin and Bob Horowitz. But how was such a brilliant concept hatched? "Horowitz 'came to me and said, "Two words: Singing bee," ' Gurin said. 'I said, "Bingo," and we began developing it.'" NBC is also expected to buy the still-undefined, bingo-related concept mentioned in the pitch duo in the coming days, which could involve people shouting at a cage full of numbered ping-pong balls and become a natural companion piece to current hit Deal or No Deal. [Variety]
· EMI makes deal with Apple to sell songs online without digital rights management protection, which will allow iTunes users to download all the copy-protection-free Coldplay songs their iPods can handle. [THR]
· Stephen King's son accepts his birthright of having his horror novel adapted into a feature film, with Neil Jordan directing and Akiva Goldman producing a movie version of Heart-Shaped Box, a spooky tale of a haunted killer suit bought on eBay. [Variety]
· While CBS wins the evening in the 18-49 demo with the NCAA tournament championship game, its final number will probably indicate it was the fourth-lowest-rated one in the last 10 years. Take that, Joakim Noah! [THR]
· MTV greenlights the Ashton Kutcher game show pilot 3 Kings, hoping that their relationship with the star won't fizzle out after Punk'd ends after its upcoming, final season. [Variety]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time Jason Bateman's gay dog mounted your friend's bi-curious daschund on Runyon Canyon.

· Pretty much every dream we've had about Angelina Jolie since the Chosen One's birth has looked exactly like this stunning painting. [via BoingBoing]
· Jesus! He's marrying you! Be nice! Fuck!
· Not even in her wildest dreams did Demi Moore imagine she'd find a 25-year-old himbo willing to give up his best groupie-porking years to shack up with her.
· Jalopnik's got the Japanese trailer for Michael Bay's Transformers movie. Good news: Shit still blows up in this version.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you got lost in the McDreamy eyes of Patrick Dempsey doing some holiday shopping at the Disney Employee Store.

When asked about the state of his marriage while promoting the U.K. release of his hero-in-a-Speedo movie The Guardian, Ashton Kutcher was quick to replace the "m" word with a "don't weigh me down with labels, man"-style reclassification of feeling "in love" with Demi Moore. The semantic clarification isn't meant as a downgrade, however, as he then goes on to explain in the most flowery and incomprehensible language imaginable how a single love can change the world:

On this solemn day of atonement, meditate on the box office results, the numerical manifestation of God's love on Earth:

· Apple and Wal-Mart are in talks to figure out a way to work together on movie downloads, perhaps with Wal-Mart getting some kind of kickback from iTunes offerings in return for the retail giant dropping its threats to cut off the DVD sales of any studio that dares cooperate with Apple in undercutting their profit margins. [Variety]
Ugly Betty edges out Survivor: Race Wars in their second half-hours, while CSI beats Grey's in viewers, not the 18-49 demo. The demo always knows that skinny, whiny, lovesick doctors trump pointy-headed crime scene investigators. [THR]
In an attempt to cut down on the sale of counterfeit Superman Returns DVDs, Warner Bros. joins in a price war with the pirates, offering cheap, encrypted copies—at least until the MPAA and the Chinese Government round up and kill everyone with a DVD burner and an internet connection, allowing them to safely raise prices again. [Variety]
The simultaneous release of The Guardian and Open Season presents moviegoers with the undesirable dilemma of choosing between live-action and animated Ashton Kutcher vehicles. We expect a rash of multiplex lobby suicides as ticketbuyers collapse under the incredible pressure of having to make such a difficult choice. [THR]
An investor advisory service urges News Corp shareholders to protest COO Peter Chernin's excessive compensation, but have so far turned a blind eye towards Rupert Murdoch's weekly ritual of burning $10 million in front of the Fox lot's News Cafe, during which he offers a variety of obscene hand gestures to any underling looking askance at his fiery display of corporate profligacy. [Variety]

On the eve of the release of The Guardian, the cinematic event that will finally provide the moviegoing public with the Kevin Costner/Ashton Kutcher grizzled veteran/pretty hotshot pairing they've long clamored for, the LAT details the incredible lengths the production went through to ensure that its doggy-paddling stars seemed like they were battling sufficiently realistic waves. Sensing that the treacherous, water-wing-shredding conditions of the Magic Mountain wave pool might not adequately mimic the churning waters of a hurricane-stirred Bering Sea, Disney decided to build its own, enormously expensive wave-generating apparatus:

We're not sure what it is about Sunday newspaper insert PARADE magazine that gets big stars to share some of the most personal aspects of their lives—perhaps they feel the open-door policy of the Ask Marilyn column offers an emotional safe zone not available from more "prestigious" media outlets—but in this week's cover story, Ashton Kutcher gushes about his note-perfect marriage to Demi Moore, his unconditional adoration of his three stepsistersdaughters, and his tight, if slightly strained, rapport with their dad, Bruce Willis: