Our depleted, dried-up culture craves teen juice for nourishment. We’ve assumed that because we are tired and aching, we can absorb teenage youth-spirit through social media osmosis, a hot stem cell injection for our whole existence. But what if teens suck just as much as we do?

Congressman Michael Grimm is perhaps best known for threatening to throw a NY1 reporter off a balcony. He is also the bae at Staten Island sweet sixteen parties, according to teen girls' tweets, which don't lie.