Context isn't really necessary to appreciate this video, but here's what we know about it: Six college-aged bros were caught reportedly breaking into Miami University (Ohio)'s Kappa Alpha house, confronted the guy filming them, and apparently attacked him with a bag of bagels.

A woman who temporarily lost custody of her newborn baby because she failed a hospital-mandated drug test after eating a poppy seed bagel won a huge settlement from Pennsylvania child welfare services and her hospital on Tuesday.

The Way We Live Now: taxonomically. All of our expenditures must be organized into "necessary" and "unnecessary" piles. The hard part comes when deciding how to sort everything. Sliced bagels: necessary or not? Your financial future depends on it.

Have you ever gone into a Starbucks and cursed their fake "Venti, Grande" size names? Sure. Gimme a "Large," amirite? And have you ever had police remove you from Starbucks for arguing about bagel-related grammar? Anyone? One lady has!

• Is Steve Hanson planning to clone his new and very popular Bill's Bar & Burger in Times Square? That's a rumor making the rounds. [Eater]
• Permanent Brunch was shuttered by the cops today over an outstanding tax bill. But it plans to reopen tomorrow—and with a new name, too. [GS]
• Pink Elephant will be just "Pink" from now on. Just so you're aware. [NYDN]
• Is it possible that Montreal bagels are better than NYC ones? The Times gets to the bottom of things. The Journal, for its part, tackled bagel injuries today.
• Related: Bagels will be replacing hot dogs on 14th and 7th Avenue. [GS]
• Epicurious has issued its list of food trend predictions for 2010. [Epicurious]
• A list of 20 secrets your waiter will never reveal (and which you don't want to hear), and yet which they still gave to Reader's Digest anyway. [MSNBC]
• Just in case all the quasi-nude photo shoots she's done didn't drive home the point, Padma Lakshmi reports she loves being naked. Got it? Good. [P6]

"Bagel-related injuries are exceeded only by chicken, potato, apple and onion injuries." Knowledge is power.

The Way We Live Now: Besieged by indignity. H&H Bagels is drowning in debt! Book fairs and organic dairies are threatened! It's a veritable Yupocalypse: