[Helen Mirren and Bai Ling at the premiere of "Love Ranch" in Hollywood; image via Splash]

Simon Cowell can't escape the coif, Bai Ling has a hungry pussy, Mel Gibson throws sticks and stones, and the Brangelina+Gosselin vortex will sink us all.

We're not dog people (which is why it's really not necessary to send us big baskets of pet swag). Gawker operative Stephen Kosloff, however, doesn't mind the poochy set. He brings us his stories from last night's ASPCA fundraiser.

People get married more than once, and they also break up more than once. Country music and poop go together like Gary Coleman and movies about little people. Plus news of the Real Housewives.

There's a lot of drama surrounding the Oscar race for Best Actor, but it's not about whether Sean Penn will triumph over Mickey Rourke—it's which lovable trainwreck Rourke should bring as his date.

Has our dream of a Mickey Rourke/Bai Ling Oscar coupling been deferred? Today, Rourke expressed his wishes to bring dog Loki as his awards date—though in a pinch, he'd settle for a certain View cohost.

Finally, Mickey Rourke has met his romantic match: Bai Ling, an actress/red carpet fixture/visionary who has the ability to look at two lanyards of approximate nipple-width, then use them as a blouse.

• Kate Hudson is, once again, riding the Butterscotch Stallion. She and fellow actor Owen Wilson had a weird double-date in Miami with Jennifer Aniston and Eric Dane the night after Hudson spent time with Wilson at a 10-bedroom mansion, having been spotted on the way in by crafty paparazzi. Their friends are totally against it.

Sure, Bai Ling's arrest at LAX on Wednesday was sad in a Hedy Lamarr kind of way, but you know what's sadder? Suffering through her explanatory blog post the next day. Apparently camped out in Albequerque, we'd like to issue a warrant for another arrest based on the Celebrities Writing Bad Poetry statute. Witness: "my emotions are running through me like a wild river, tears come from the lake of my heart hurt my eyes." Oh, but there's more!

• Late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel is, or will soon be, fucking Ben Affleck. Or at least he kind of wishes. [NYP]

We can't say we know much about Bai Ling, save that she's ubiquitous (watch her ghostly apparition suddenly appear and start signing autographs next to Larry King in this paparazzi video), gave some of the most brain-meltingly awful (in the good way) musical performances in TV history on But Can They Sing?, could safely be classified as "fashion forward," and generally enjoys being the center of attention. In fact, now that we really think about it, she's done nothing but bring us joy, however obliquely. So we'll refrain from passing judgment on her arrest yesterday for swiping two magazines and a pack of batteries at an LAX magazine stand, or snickering at her mugshot, in which she just looks kind of sad. We're sure that after the proper shopliftinghab treatment, Ling will back to her old self in no time, full of vitality and grabbing Santa by the balls.

Having subjected Defamer videographer Molly McAleer to a number of assignments on the filthy sidewalks of Hollywood Boulevard, we decided it was time she got to class things up a bit and tote her camera to a red carpet, so we dispatched her to the Maxim Style Awards at Avalon last night to see what would happen. Unsurprisingly, an encounter with party ubiquity Bai Ling ensued (who we're not entirely sure exists outside of the event circuit), as did some firing squad time with Brady-loving former Top Model Adrianne Curry. Part I of Molly's video report is above, while the thrilling conclusion—starring a dude from Weeds who discusses his co-star's recent adoption news—follows after the jump:

According to this generously scarequoted report from the set of the VH1 celebrity talent competition But Can They Sing? (Answer: no, they can not), it ain't exactly all incense and daisy-exchanging love-ins over there: