Simon Cowell can't escape the coif, Bai Ling has a hungry pussy, Mel Gibson throws sticks and stones, and the Brangelina+Gosselin vortex will sink us all.

  • Angelina Jolie is the focus of two books and is supporting another. Reputed biographers Andrew Morton and Ian Halperin want to experience the thrill of writing about a subject who's already said everything you ever wanted to know about her and more. In fact, the ever growing Cult of Brange means you can't even make up anything interesting about her. Meanwhile Nick Kristoff, whose book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide Jolie would like you to read, got a taste of tabloid love in their company and was stunned. [Lainey Gossip]
  • Joe Jackson observes Michael is worth more dead than alive, is gross. [Celebitchy]
  • Madonna is the new God of Malawi. Madonna calls for lightning to strike Britain. [Us Weekly]
  • Bai Ling decided it was a good idea to sleep naked next to a cheetah. Cheetah thought this was some kind of poor man's feast provided by the human race and didn't want to offend local custom so he tried to take a delicate nibble of Bai Ling's nibbly bits. Bai Ling is A) Freaked out. B) Safe. C) A Moron. [Dlisted]
  • Simon Cowell must have a curse placed on him to be followed by hair-obsessed young men everywhere he goes. [Mirror]
  • Brooke Shields went to a store and an employee asked her if she wanted any help. So she punched him in the eye, kicked him in the balls, tore his head off and jumped up and down on his dead body to see blood spurt out of his corpse. Okay, no she didn't but imagine if she had. [Fox 411]
  • Sophie Monk as an undressed ladybug on the sidewalk for no reason. Site NSFW. [Hollywood Tuna]
  • Tinsley Mortimer's new reality show is a little low on the "reality". *faint* [Page Six]
  • Mel Gibson thinks the Scots are a bunch of quarrelsome drunks in skirts. Scotland is deserted today as all Scots died laughing. [Daily Fail]
  • David Beckham stares at cheerleaders, is shocked women have curves. [Sun]
  • Mandatory Gosselip Update: This shit will never end. [Fox 411]
  • Blind Item: C list cable reality star holds forth on tattoos, taboos and Jews. Sinks like a stone. You should know the answer! [CDAN]