Drew Magary worked in advertising for ten years. SAD MEN is a series of stories from his time in the industry.

The second New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg's plan to ban large sodas was announced, you knew that people would use it to declare that America has become a Commu-fascist labor prison. The Atlantic called it classist. Comedy Central's political blog (they have one!) called it ridiculous. Forbes called Bloomberg a Republican Socialist. And Bernie Goldberg basically declared that the ban was a gateway law that will one day lead to the government stealing your kids in the middle of the night and harvest their organs to give to illegal immigrants.

Anthony Bourdain announced on Twitter this morning that he was joining CNN, but he didn't say anything about the fate of his two current shows on the Travel Channel, No Reservations and The Layover. I was hoping Bourdain might be a cable bigamist, but the Hollywood Reporter is saying that won't be the case. Bourdain's ditching the Travel Channel for good in favor of a network that has shown an almost superhuman ability to vacuum out any last trace of personality from its on-air talent.

Okay, so it's graduation time and we Gawker folk have already exhausted ourselves giving you outgoing seniors all our super sweet advice. I'm sure you won't listen to ANY of it, because you're all so damn hungover. So let's spend today craning our necks and checking out all the other grads sitting around you. Graduates fall into very distinct types, and here are a few of them.

I've dicked around on Twitter long enough to be able to have a composite persona of it in my head. If Twitter were a person, it would look like a hipster and it would like hipster music, but it would fucking HATE hipsters. It would be socially liberal, but it would totally respect Ron Paul for being genuine about his nutjob views. It would constantly be arguing with itself as to whether or not it liked watching "Girls." And it would come after you with a claw hammer to the face if you dared to rail against the following subjects.

If you have kids of your own, you know how insane it is when some famous idiot like Angelina Jolie is talking to a magazine and is like, "Oh, we all hang out at home together and watch movies in bed!" Of course you do. I'm sure flying to Cambodia to shoot ludicrous Louis Vuitton ads only takes five minutes out of your day. The rest is all dedicated to you and your 12,000 little ones.

Okay people, let's do this. I got a bottle of Sangiovese and ten of my bestest galpals with me, and I am prepared to dispense MAXIMUM BITCHINESS. Your host tonight is Billy Crystal, whom you almost certainly haven't seen since the LAST time he hosted the Oscars. Don't be shocked if he walks out onto the stage looking like Miracle Max, only covered in bad foundation makeup and without the hat. Your Best Picture nominees are as follows:

I was watching the Grammys last night because I had nothing better to do, and it dawned on me that, for all of the Grammys' shortcomings (and there are many), I enjoyed watching that telecast FAR more than I've enjoyed watching any Oscars telecast over the past 10 or 20 years. Here's why: