Just in time for bonus season, Goldman Sachs has been hit with two shareholder lawsuits accusing the board of "bad faith actions and breaches of...loyalty" for approving billions in bonuses while driving the global economy into a ditch.

The New York Times has identified the source of Goldman Sach's image troubles—it used to be a hip bank, one that really cared about the banking, you know? Now all they care about is money. Sellouts.

The Way We Live Now: Well-coiffed. Hey, Citigroup's resurrecting itself and Exxon is balling again even though all your investments are clearly "bubbles," but the point is: Here, have a free haircut. All better now?

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, Citigroup chairman Dick Parsons, and Morgan Stanley CEO John Mack all skipped out on a scheduled dressing-down today from Barack Obama because "inclement weather" made it physically impossible for them to travel to Washington. Convenient!

Goldmas Sachs is bending over backwards to make sure you don't rise up and hoist the black flag next month, when it pays out more than $17 billion in taxpayer-financed bonuses—now its top leaders won't get any cash.

According to Bloomberg's Alice Schroeder, senior Goldman Sachs bankers have begun applying for permits to carry concealed handguns, lending credence to Vanity Fair's Bethany McLean's assessment that "There is an embattled feeling around" Goldman now. Tom Wolfe, call your office.

Goldman Sachs employees received a voicemail announcement instructing them not to organize private Christmas parties for the firm's employees even at their own homes, a person familiar with the matter said.

Last year's financial collapse was made possible by the greed and incompetence of credit rating agencies, who got paid to lie about the value of subprime debt. It turns out they were responsible for the Goldman Sachs bailout, too.

This spring, construction workers at Goldman Sachs' new headquarters in Battery Park City discovered a pregnant feral cat. A local couple rescued the kittens and placed them in homes. Goldman Sachs agreed to pay for their veterinary costs. They didn't.

Goldman Sachs and Citigroup have obtained a total of 1,400 doses of swine flu vaccine from the city of New York, while many pediatricians wait for doses. On the other hand, money is more important than babies.

Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan, is a towering genius of finance, Obama hanger-on, savior of Wall Street, and irritable dick. He's also long liked to wear tight jeans, as his 1974 yearbook page makes clear.

Thanks to Bloomberg News, we now have a good idea how much of that $13 billion pass-through bailout Goldman Sachs got from AIG last year was pure taxpayer-financed gravy: $5.2 billion, courtesy Tim Geithner.

When Ken Feinberg, the guy Obama charged with reining in bonuses at bailed-out firms, asked AIG who its top-paid executives were, they couldn't answer. That place is a black hole of money.

The Treasury Department's soon-to-be-announced executive pay guidelines will drastically slash cash payouts to executives at GM, Citibank, AIG, Bank of America, and Chrysler. Not on the list: AIG pass-through beneficiary Goldman Sachs.

Lord Brian Griffiths of Fforestfach is a vice chairman at Goldman Sachs Intl., a life peer under England's nobility scheme, and Christian theorist of "biblically based wealth creation." Just the man to explain how Goldman's taxpayer-financed bonuses are perfectly moral.

It looks like Goldman Sachs is preventing its employees from reading Gawker. It's a precaution any workplace that values productivity might consider, especially an employer who's been targeted by a Gawker investigation.

It's Thursday, so Goldman Sachs raked in billions with taxpayer help while you're still unemployed. The bank announced $3.1 billion in third-quarter profits today, and set aside $5.3 billion for bonuses. Help us find out how they spend it.

"None of my friends mess with that anymore," a former cokehead banker who's now neither of those things tells Daily Intel. "It's like they grew up overnight when the banks died." Man. That is some powerful shit. Cocaine, we mean.

Goldman Sachs is taking the whole "bloodsucking squidmonster" thing pretty seriously. CEO Lloyd Blankfein is losing sleep over how to pay out $11 billion in taxpayer financed bonuses without catching hell from anti-Semites like everybody. Heavy weighs the crown.

The trailer for Capitalism: A Love Story, Michael Moore's new movie, is here. It's about banks, and how they're bad, and how the working man can't get by any more. He tries to make a citizens' arrest of AIG. Ha-ha.