Nothing is unfucked. It's the same good guy versus the same bad guys, with the same set of massive social and economic problems, and no evident way out. So congratulations, America, you won four years of vicious trench warfare.
It's true: President Obama has been reelected, winning both the electoral college and maybe the popular vote, and destroying the hopes of millions and millions of rabid conservative Americans in the span of a few hours. Over the next several days and years and months everyone is going to offer their complaints and arguments and suspicions about why Obama won and Mitt Romney lost. Many of those opinions will be wrong, and some of them will be right, but for now let's forget about them and celebrate.
The results aren't in yet, but it's becoming increasingly clear from the exit poll data and the glum mood on Fox News that Barack Obama is probably going to win re-election tonight. And the excuse-making from Red America has begun, and it basically comes down to: The Whites lost.
Tonight, on television: the season finale of American Politics. After millions of years of campaigning, human president Barack Obama and liquid-metal terminator Mitt Romney will meet on the Sacred Plains for the mythical and deadly Dance of Swords, the traditional choosing ceremony for our people. Who will win their bloody game? Who will retain control the Senate? Will Chris Christie finally attract the attention of his crush Bruce Springsteen? Will top CNN analyst The Will.i.am Hologram seize return to prophesy the birth of a God-Emperor whose reign will surpass a thousand years? Crack election experts "the staff of Gawker.com" will be here to "live-blog" the results as those questions — and more! — are answered. Join us!
Worried that you might not actually know the words to the original "99 Problems," Rush Limbaugh would like to recite them for you. The original lyric, mind you, was indeed "bitch" before Jay-Z changed it to "Mitt" for an Obama rally. Rush would also like to remind you that Jay-Z uses the word "hoes." And also probably "hood."
It is Election Day! Time for Americans to come together after months and months of vindictive, divisive, hateful caterwauling about politics and finally put all the barking to a vote. Instagram user outmouth voted for "a gay dog" for president, as you can see above. That was probably not a wise decision, especially if he or she lives in Ohio. But that's the beauty of democracy: Every clown and madman gets to do it as long as they're over 18 and haven't committed a felony.
It is difficult to have a rational conversation about reelecting Barack Obama. The right still likes to believe the left considers him "Obamessiah." Progressives seem to salivate at how pristinely their principles appear next to his shortcomings. And those young enough to not have experienced the soulfucker that was Clinton's second term almost revel in their worldly contempt after seeing their 2008 dreams brought low. Look, ma, I got my political disenchantment badge!
When we asked people to share their stories of voting irregularity earlier today, dozens of people shared this video — currently on the Reddit front page with nearly 20,000 up-votes — of a Pennsylvania voting machine seemingly altering a man's vote from Obama to Romney. We reached out to Joseph Lorenzo Hall, Senior Staff Technologist at the Center for Democracy & Technology, to ask his opinion; here's what he told us:
The controversial Irish bookmaker Paddy Power is certain President Obama is a lock for another four years in the White House. How certain? With over 24 hours remaining before an official winner is declared, the company is already paying out over $800,000 to the gamblers who picked Obama over Romney.
A certain demographic of potential Obama voters recently received yet another email from the president's campaign reminding them to go vote (preferably early).
I don't mean to sound glib, but are we electing someone to know the top hip hop songs - or to get the job done?
Here's a picture of President Obama that's making the rounds right now. The picture was taken on Sunday and shows Obama realizing that he dialed the wrong number while making calls from a local campaign field office during a unscheduled visit in Orlando, Florida.
Newark Mayor Cory Booker, who has spent the past several days working to clean up his Hurricane Sandy-damaged city, continues to be the coolest politician around. A lot of people think Barack Obama is cool because he exchanges Christmas cards with Beyoncé and plays basketball. And, relative to the staid, ancient, racist, sexist country club members who tend to populate U.S. politics, that is pretty cool! But as an individual case, President Obama is not cool-he is just not the kind of dusty old asshole we've come to expect from politics. (My colleagues Max Read and Mobutu Sese Seko have done a nice job of explaining this further here.)
And he's from Brazil! Where apparently you can "do Halloween" whenever you want. With a little help from his boyfriend (the skull-looking dude on the right) and some "cheap skin paint I found," Redditor juririm transformed himself into the splitting image of Shepard Fairey's iconic Obama "Hope" poster from the 2008 election cycle.
