No surprise here. Top Republicans are ripping President Obama's decision to recess appoint his top consumer watchdog, Richard Cordray.

Last night Obama joined Instagram, the hip iphone photo app that lets you use artsy filters to make your photos look crappy and old, in a romantic way. Obama's really making a bid for the 18-30 "spends too much time on the internet" demo.

President Obama took part this weekend in one of the most ancient and eagerly-anticipated presidential traditions: the annual Christmas Baby Eating, a ritual that goes back to well before recorded history. Said to have been started by the semi-mythical "first president," Benjamin Franklin (who archaeologists believe to be a composite of several different minor American warlords, and most likely not a historical person), the Christmas Baby Eating has recently come under fire from pundits like Nate Silver, who use statistics to argue that it has no real bearing on presidential success or virility, despite the frequent claims of the Secretary of Necromancy and Occult Services. Even so, President Obama is currently enjoying a small bump in the polls—a natural fluctuation, or the result of pleasing Yogg-Sothoth by consuming the blood of the newly-born?

The conspiracy theories are happening so fast now that they're basically resolved before they even start, but let's not let this one escape the eternal clutches of the Gawker Archives: Did the Portuguese water dog Bo Obama — who's already been under heavy Christmas card scrutiny this week — fly out to Hawaii with Michelle Obama and the kids, and then fly back just to Washington for a photo-op with President Obama? Imagine the cost to taxpayers! Congress, please get back to town for a quickie impeachment.

Now this is strange. What compels a Speaker of the House, as he's (supposed to be) trying to reach a deal to preserve various expiring government goodies before Congress recesses for the year, to move a resolution that would "commission the placement of a bust of former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill in the Capitol"? Here he is, talking about it, softly crying, of course, but not in full Boehner Bawl mode. Winston Churchill, he was one helluva a guy. Anyway, this is all about race.

Haha, where to start with this one? University of Texas Austin College Republicans President Cassie Wright, it seems, is something of a poet:

The Obama White House can be terrible at leading the nation. It's been incredibly soft on Wall Street and often horrible on basic human rights. But it can stand proud on its family Facebook policy! At a time when American parents help sneak their legally underaged kids onto Facebook, Sasha and Malia Obama are quite sensibly told to stay away from the social network.

President Obama set another horrifying legal precedent today, by messing around with that most important of statutory laws: The 2005 Presidential $1 Coin Act, which "requires the U.S. Mint issue new presidential $1 Coins with the likeness of every deceased president." The White House announced today that the U.S. Mint would no longer make these coins for general use, since it's a silly vanity project that no one cares about.

Newsweek, the nation's premiere publisher of fan fiction, has followed up its charmingly hideous "What if Diana Were Alive?" cover story with a brand new exploration of hypotheticals: What will Barack Obama do if he loses, and also, what will he look like? Alas: this one doesn't go far enough. We have some ideas, though!

Congratulations, America: you've gotten what you wished for. You elected Barack "Hussein" Obama as commander in chief. He quickly allowed homosexuals to serve as proud members of the US Armed Forces, standing buttock-to-buttock in foxholes next to normal young American boys. (After the war is over, they can marry, now.) It was only a matter of time before our fighting men were encouraged to start fucking dogs.

Former Total Request Live with Carson Daly mainstay Korn, a band that you — yes, you — used to love, has discovered the truth that few of the band members' Hollywood friends care to admit: Obama and his "illuminati" minions have turned this country into a "house of shame." Hmm. They must be Romney men, through and through.

After Congress passed a version of the National Defense Authorization Act last week that allows for indefinite military detention of citizens without a trial on America soil, we pointed out 20 of its most alarming provisions. President Obama not only has the ability to veto any of those provisions, but has also previously spoken out against indefinite detention. So we're good,! Except that, as Jon Stewart explained on tonight's Daily Show, we're actually not.

The Obama administration announced today, via a presidential memorandum and a speech from Secretary of State Clinton, that the United States will "use foreign aid as a tool to improve Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender rights abroad." This is a first! What does it even mean, though?

Being a carefree Republican gasbag isn't always as fun as it seems. All they want to do is call President Obama the worst names and insult his heritage. And yet personally attacking the president, as Republican strategists said in what was supposed to be a private conference call today, would seriously turn off the many swing voters needed to win a general election. Having to build majority coalitions on a national scale just takes the joy out of life, doesn't it?

The Tucker Carlson-helmed Daily Caller publication has an EXCLUSIVE story today that disrupts the very fabric of our political system and could even alter the trajectory of the cosmos for millions of years to come, killing us all retroactively, too, and so on! THE HEADLINE, PLEASE: "Exclusive: Obama in 2006: I ‘stole' book title ‘Audacity of Hope' from Rev. Wright, ‘my pastor.'" Has your face begun to melt yet, or are your eyes merely exploding?

Remember that completely misleading Mitt Romney ad that attacked President Obama for saying something that was actually said by John McCain, whom Obama was quoting in the video that Romney used to make said ad? On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert explained why Romney should issue No Apology for it.

In case you were too busy eating last Thursday to keep up with the news, some conservatives were very upset with President Obama for leaving God out of his YouTube Thanksgiving address. No, Obama isn't the only recent president to do so, and yes, God was in his written address, but that didn't stop Fox News from devoting way too much airtime to overreacting to the "snub." So on tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart gave the crybaby network a nice lashing.

"The Romney campaign suggested that Gingrich was using the quote out of context." — Poor Mitt Romney, being misquoted like that! Too bad his campaign just said misquoting opponents is A-OK, as long as it gets people talking about Romney.

Watch this YouTube of President Barack Obama delivering his Thanksgiving-themed weekly address and see if you can figure out what—or Who—is missing. tl; dw? Fine, then: It's God! He did not mention God, who made everything you should feel thankful for—if you believe in God.

While listening to Aunt Eunice talk about her recent hip surgery and watching Little Cousin Jaydenlynne text furiously over her plateful of unwanted peas, you slowly chewed your turkey and thought about American's politicians and pundits, and how they are spending Thanksgiving. Am I right?