President Obama held a press conference at the White House today! The questions came fast and furious — actually rather slowly, since he talks for 10 minutes at a time — and now all Americans are 100% informed about every issue. Here's an executive summary.

Did you hear that Obama wants to spy on all the doctors to ensure that they're utilizing proper Kenyan medical techniques? No? You must be getting your news from the liberal media establishment, then!

The White House has maintained its unwavering promise that the President won't sign any major deficit reduction deal without substantial revenue increases. Much of this could come through closing tax loopholes and canceling ending major subsidies, but obviously the cornerstone of the White House's call for more revenues is to return the highest two income tax bracket rates to their Clinton-era levels. But yet again, it's starting to sound like that's being put on hold.

At a wreath-laying ceremony at Ground Zero, the 14-year-old daughter of a man who died in the Twin Towers told President Obama that she wanted to meet Justin Bieber. "I know Justin," Obama reportedly replied. "Maybe I could set something up."

The House of Representatives will actually hold two votes today on war funding. This is quite something: One vote to defund military action in Libya, another to authorize it for a year. Finally, many months after the Obama administration went into another MENA country with little-to-no strategy, we're having something akin to a congressional authorization process. This is healthy.

So you're a kid, nice kid, hanging out with your little sister. A limo pulls up, door opens, and a guy who looks exactly like the president tells you to get inside, promises you he'll call your mom with his fancy presidential car phone. What do you do? Do you get in? Of course you get in! And magic happens. Duh. Stop being so suspicious of grown-ups all the time.

Last night, President Obama preempted regular programming so that we could all hear him talk about his plan to bring back 30,000 troops from Afghanistan by the end of next summer. But as Jon Stewart pointed out on tonight's Daily Show, people on both sides of the issue were disappointed with the budding Obama Doctrine.

In a rare astronomical convergence, two massive celestial bodies will pass through Manhattan on Thursday. One has the moves of Michael Jackson, a megawatt smile, and has to duck teenage girls' panties wherever he goes. The other is Justin Bieber. But don't plan on getting into, out of, or anywhere around the city in anything besides a subway car: traffic will be a bitch.

Because he didn't seek the approval of Congress to continue military operations in Libya past the first 90 days, a defiant President Obama is now in danger of having the war stripped of its funding. Even so, Obama isn't budging, and on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert commended him for "[telling] Congress to suck it."

President Obama will give a speech on Afghanistan tonight, and the Times is reporting on the troop drawdown numbers he's settled on: 10,000 out by the end of the year and an additional 20,000 by September 2012.

Al Gore is calling out President Obama for his lack of leadership on the environment, saying the White House has failed to "make the case for bold action on climate change."

While most polls suggest President Obama still leads in a head-to-head race against any of the declared 2012 Republican presidential candidates, one poll released by Gallup last week found that against a "generic Republican," Obama would lose the election 39 to 44 percent. But just who exactly is this faceless, Obama-crushing mystery man? On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert explained.

Barack Obama is one of those magical, dulcet-voiced beings capable of calming fussy babies. This is known. Here's a video documenting his technique. "You okay, baby?" he shouts in the crying baby's face. "No! No! Come on, baby. You won't cry." He lifts the baby out of wife Michelle's arms. It stops crying. I can't believe that actually worked.

President Obama plans to give a White House address tomorrow night regarding his future plans for the Afghanistan war. What will the troop drawdown be? 10,000? 30,000? Two soldiers and a dog?

Obama impersonator Reggie Brown says reports about his performance at the Republican Leadership Conference are wrong. The GOP loved his jokes about Obama's mom being a black-man-loving Kardashian! They yanked him off the stage only because he ran out of time:

The Republican Leadership Conference hired an Obama impersonator named Reggie Brown to liven up the proceedings on Saturday. And liven them up he did! Only, with jokes that are not really appropriate for political conferences—especially not conferences of parties that would like to present themselves as serious-minded and economy-focused rather than quasi-racist clown shows.

For reasons of vital national importance, President Obama and Speaker of House Rep. John Boehner had a foursome today with Vice President Biden and Ohio Governor John Kasich. A golf foursome. What did you think we meant?

Barack Obama, who spends all his time golfing and laughing while unemployed white people beg him for help that never comes, has somehow dragged hard-working Speaker John Boehner into his licentious hobby: The two men will golf each other tomorrow.

President Obama, who earlier in the week said that he would resign if he were then-Congressman Anthony Weiner, was a little bit kinder toward the now-unemployed junk-Tweeter in a new interview. He thinks Weiner and his wife Huma Abedin will "bounce back"!

On Tuesday, President Obama visited Puerto Rico, the first trip of its kind by a sitting US president since John F. Kennedy traveled there in 1961. As it turns out, though, Obama's visit only lasted a few hours. So why even bother going? On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart provided a theory.