We've been so overcome with worry ever since we learned that an anonymous fiend had kidnapped the Assistant Beer Pong Tournament trophy from under the noses of dozens of intoxicated revelers on Saturday night that we haven't been able to sleep, eat, or even drink ourselves into the typical stupor we use to cope with emotional trauma. Finally, however, we've been afforded a glimmer of hope that the trophy will find its way back to its rightful caretakers, as the event's organizers have issued this defiant (if Ransom-plagiarized) statement announcing their intention to turn the entire assistant underclass into a bloodthirsty legion of bounty hunters:

For a third straight year, controversy has rocked the annual Assistant Beer Pong Tournament*, an ostensibly peaceful affair aimed at promoting unity with the local call-rolling community through the reliably combustible combination of friendly competition and binge-drinking. A little while ago, an anonymous e-mailer identified only as "Beer Pong" (what this fiend lacks in creativity he makes up in brazenness) informed us that he has "hijacked" the trophy earned by upstart Gold Circle on Saturday night when they defeated the evil minions of CAA (we're told their bosses forced them to undergo experimental surgery to equip them with secondary livers to ensure victory), a hostage that will be returned only after an undisclosed ransom is paid by the event's organizers. We pass along this photo of the kidnapping victim to assist in its speedy recovery; should you see the trophy on your assistant's desk and wonder why he's suspiciously short on details of the supposed heroics that brought him the championship, please contact the authorities immediately.