Surely the author of this posting can't have been the only one to emerge from an Imax theater screening Beowulf thinking of nothing other than the overtly sexualized title character, whose "third leg," as the Danish serving wenches blushingly referred to it, was practically within 3D grasp were it not for a strategically placed mead stein in the foreground. To their credit, however, the anonymous poster took to Craigslist's virtual medieval marketplace to make their warrior-blowing fantasies come alive:

As you impatiently listen to the clock tick off the seconds until your Thanksgiving holiday, distract yourself from your daydreams of stuffing and candied yams with a look at the weekend's box office numbers:

There will be no shortage of glistening, lifelike CGI flesh on display in Robert Zemeckis's latest masterwork, opening today. The character of Grendel's Mother, for example—naked, dipped in gold, and outfitted with a prehensile braid and fuck-me pumps—will give audiences a reasonable approximation of things only Brad Pitt was meant to see. Others, however, such as the protagonist himself (voiced and performed by Sexy Beast star Ray Winstone), use their human inspiration as mere jumping-off points, after which a cutting-edge series of gut-reducing, ab-defining filters are applied, resulting in a ripped, battle-ready hero worthy of the name Beowulf.

[I]t's clear that they've been studying the ad campaign for "300" very carefully. Among many stylistic and clear similarities between each films' trailers, here are a few highlights:

[Note: video possibly NSFW] The release of the red-band trailer for Beowulf finally provides a promising demonstration of the powerful motion-capture technology director Robert Zemeckis has been trying to perfect over the last handful of years. While earlier versions of his moviemaking technique were able to produce nothing more impressive than disturbingly dead-eyed, animated children in The Polar Express and somewhat less disturbingly dead-eyed, animated children in Monster House, the director's mainframes can now generate computer-enhanced images of a naked, golden Angelina Jolie so compellingly lifelike that audiences will momentarily forget about all the fantasy-destroying, do-gooding baggage she's accumulated since acquiring her debilitating orphan-collecting addiction.