The insufferable Bernard-Henri Lévy has a new piece of self-congratulatory garbage up on the Daily Beast, in which he pats himself on the back for personally liberating Libya from the clutches of Col. Muammar Qaddafi, because in BHL's world, the Other can't do shit without the white man. Okay, first let's give credit where credit is due: BHL keeps Nicolas Sarkozy's testicles in a glass jar on his desk, and he pushed the French president to act militarily on behalf of the rebels in Libya. But the headline for BHL's ode to himself says it all — 'Victorious Return to Libya'. Here, he arrives in Tripoli's Green Square to the delight of 6.5 million Libyans and feigns respect in his victory speech to the masses:

A man who built a career from infantile honking, exuberant hyperbole, and laughing out loud has written his first-ever blog post. In retrospect, it should have been obvious: Pee Wee Herman was made for the internet age.

Lindsay's alcohol education deadline is up, and she's three classes behind and in Cannes. The Jonas Brothers get trapped in an elevator and escape only because they are thin. Courtney Love had sex with Kate Moss. Thursday's gossip has arrived.

French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy is outraged, still, that the United States would like to prosecute convicted child rapist Roman Polanski. And because he is a French intellectual, he is demonstrating his outrage through yet another petition, on his website.

France is so weird. It's a magical land where philosophers are famous, and a journalist's philosophical spoof can be popular enough to spawn "a fan club that meets monthly in salons throughout Paris," and many members of the public know what "philosophy" means. By contrast, here in America many members of the public know what "Cheez" means.

Currently under house arrest in a comfy chalet in Gstaad, Switzerland, convicted sex offender Roman Polanski has some very unique dilemmas, but he has solutions—he's suing the photographers who take his picture and sending warm wishes to supporters.

If Michelle Obama could be forgiven for feeling a little competitive toward France's first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, especially when it comes to matters of fashion and all-round feminine allure, we think it's safe to say that this morning, Michelle will be feeling glad that her vanity, as far as we know, stops short of making sex tapes. Yes, a burglar has stolen a cache of "highly intimate" videos and photographs featuring Carla with her ex-boyfriend/baby daddy Raphaël Enthoven (who, for those who like to keep track of European affairs, she stole from his then-wife, novelist Justine Levy, whose father, philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy, is reportedly winning the heart of wealthy fashion plate Daphne Guinness away from Andre Balazs). Police in Paris are hoping to catch the thief before any images hit the web; the web, obviously, hopes the opposite.

• Lindsay Lohan is "drowning her sorrows" over Sam Ronson in a "sea of men," including 90210's Kellan Lutz and British paparazzo Chris Jepson. She's also going out all the time again, and hit up six clubs in one evening last week. But that's probably just because she's naturally very energetic. [P6]
• In related news, LiLo tells E! that she isn't in talks to join a topless show in Las Vegas, but she'd be willing to dabble in the burlesque world for the right price. [OK!]
• Uma Thurman's rep says she and Arpad Busson did not get married in the Bahamas last weekend, although it's rumored the couple is planning a "low-key" wedding this Saturday instead. [E!, Sun]
• Daphne Guinness was supposedly overheard telling a friend that she and Andre Balazs aren't "seeing each other seriously," since she's about to move in with French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy. [P6]

♦ Now that she doesn't have Guy Ritchie to boss around, Madonna is finding more time to control everyone else: She's supposedly been "begging" Gwyneth Paltrow to leave her London home so they can spend more time together in New York. She's also busy orchestrating a reunion between Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears: All three will be performing together at Madge's concert in LA tonight. [The Sun, E!]
♦ Padma Lakshmi is apparently on a "man-search" for a filthy rich boyfriend now that her flings with Ted Forstmann and Russell Simmons are over. [P6]
♦ Now that the election is over, Tina Fey says she will be officially retiring her Sarah Palin impression. [Extra]

Author, philosopher (and Paul Janka lookalike!) Bernard-Henri Levy was recently queried about his personal style by Amanda Christine Miller, who is like the Huffington Post's low-rent answer to Deborah Solomon. (Previously she has asked CNN hottie Christiane Amanpour about her safari jackets and Slash about his top hat.) This week she embarrassed America with the man the French call simply BHL.