Last night Time magazine had their big fancy shindig for its "100 Most Influential" list and many of the anointed showed up to Jazz at Lincoln Center to be rich, famous, and beautiful together.

Our invitation must have been lost in the mail, but we did send fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern to ask everyone some questions. No one responded to her querulous queries, but we have to print something, so here is what she asked everyone.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend drove into a photographer and took off. Lindsay Lohan's brother finally speaks out. There's a new Real Housewife of New York. Katie Couric might return to Today. Take a crash course in Thursday's gossip.

We were too busy getting over this weekend's sunburn to watch The City last night. Good thing fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there for the season finale. The fate of Whitney and Olivia's souls hang in the balance.

We were too busy having drinks with a bunch of business writers last night to watch The City. Fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern finally sobered up enough to let us know what really went down.

We were too busy eating self-serve frozen yogurt last night to bother with the premiere of Twilight. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was on the West Coast to report back. For a change, she wasn't the most wasted one there.

We were too busy breathing in the fresh scent of post-rainstorm New York to watch The City last night. Luckily, fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there to clue us in on all the trashy cat fights.

We were too busy eating gelato last night to actually watch The City. However our fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was on the prowl and will bring you all the dirt on her newest nemesis Louise Roe.

Fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern called this morning and said she couldn't write about The City. Something to do with prostitution charges and Tom Arnold. Anyway, you're stuck with me, and I actually had to watch the show.

We were too busy reading old magazines and dusting off our summer clothes to bother watching The City last night. Instead, fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern is going to tell you what you missed. There were parties, and Neel Shah!

We were too busy trying to find something to watch on TV to actually attend the Sex and the City 2 premiere. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern went in our stead. Here is her adventure.

Due to some drama with volcanic ash, we weren't able to make it to Cannes this year. Fortunately, French-speaking fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern had already washed ashore, so we hustled her over to the festival to cover it for us.

We were so busy trying to promote our birthday party that we didn't have time to watch The City last night. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there for all the bitch-on-bitch fighting action.

We were so busy gawking at Real Housewife Danielle Staub eating dinner with skater Johnny Weir in Chelsea last night that we missed the Costume Institute Gala Benefit. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there in our stead.

We were too busy paying good money to see Courtney Love sleepwalk through a 45-minute set at Terminal 5 last night to watch the season premiere of The City. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was on the job.

We were too busy watching all our favorite shows simultaneously on TV last night to attend the fancy soiree Vanity Fair threw for the opening of the Tribeca Film Festival. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there in our stead.

We were too busy eating a whole bag of Robin Eggs last night to bother watching the finale of Kell on Earth. Luckily our fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there for all the action, and lived to tell the tale.

Actually, we were too busy watching fish eat hippo dung on Life last night to be bothered. But fearless fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern tried to crash her way into the festivities. Here is her tale.

We were too busy last night watching Nurse Jackie make bad decisions to bother with Kell on Earth. Luckily our very own fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was making some bad decisions of her own and has the scoop.

We were too busy winning a strawberry-shaped welcome mat at drag queen bingo last night to watch Kell on Earth. Thankfully fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was up to some shenanigans of her own.

We were too busy attending a screening of Hot Tub Time Machine so we missed the latest episode of Kell on Earth. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there with her flux capacitor to capture the action.