We were too busy reading old magazines and dusting off our summer clothes to bother watching The City last night. Instead, fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern is going to tell you what you missed. There were parties, and Neel Shah!

Elie of the Ball
 by Betsey Morgenstern
Assistant Party Reporter, Cat Fancy

It was a wonderful night at Bergdorf Goodman when everyone gathered for a party honoring Lebanese designer Elie Tahari hosted by Elle's Joe Zee and Bergdorf senior vice president Linda Fargo. It was held on the contemporary floor so that visitors could shop while they drank, and hopefully purchased some Elie Tahari.

We started off our night eavesdropping on Whitney Port, the young designer behind a clothing line called Summer's Eve or something like that. She was talking to her friend Samantha who works at Bergdorf. Whitney had a disastrous meeting with store honcho Ginny Hershey-Lambert last year and is still trying to recover, but she's hoping she can impress them now that her line is finished and it's going to be appearing in Glamour magazine. She was doing a shoot for them the following day and was hoping that Roxy Carmichael Olin was going to show up to be her assistant. Of course Kelly Cutrone thought that was a bad idea, and if there's one thing I know about Kelly, it's that she's always right. Then Whitney spotted her nemesis Olivia Palermo.

"God, why is Olivia such a bitch?" she said to Sammy.

"I don't know, I hate her. She knows everyone," Sammy said.

"Yeah, so do we."

"We do. Let's go talk to the people we know."

"OK. Oh, well, I don't know anyone. Except for you and Olivia, who I hate, and Ginny from Bergdorf who hates me."

"Yeah, we don't know anyone. God, Olivia is such a bitch. She is always trying to, like, know people."

But Whitney did go talk to Ginny who wants to make an appointment to sell Whitney's clothes.

Then I walked over and talked to my old friend Neel Shah, who is a writer for Page Six. We met one night in the line at MisShapes when he was still interning for some stupid gossip website that no one reads. I told him if he could get me into the club, I could get him some blow, or blow him, whichever. Well, we got in and I paid him back, but I won't tell you how. But I've been feeding him items ever since and he's always happy to oblige.

He was chatting up Alexis Bryan Morgan, the new fashion director of Elle. For some reason, he was asking her all about Olivia.

"I hear she's a bitch," he told Alexis.

"No, she's very nice, but Erin Kaplan hates her," she told Neel.

"I know, that's who told me she's a bitch. We had drinks last night and the only thing we talked about is Olivia Palermo, because that's all Page Six cares about. Olivia Palermo. Erin also said she's bad at her job."

"That's probably true."

"I saw her at the Eric Daman book party the other day and she was trying to get in tight with the cast of Gossip Girl and hanging out with Joe Zee," he told Alexis. I know that's true, because I was there too.

"She's probably just doing that to annoy Erin, or keep her job," Alexis said.

"Or a little bit of both, but it seems like Olivia and Joe are like party buddies now."

After saying hello to Joe Zee and Mr. Tahari himself, Olivia came over to say hi.

"Hello, Neel. I know you."

"That's right. It's nice to see you in person, since you stopped returning my calls after I wrote that item about you."

"Well, it's good to talk to you again. I know you too, Alexis."

"Hi there. We were just talking about Gucci," Alexis Bryan Morgan said.

"Oh, I know him."

"I was wearing one of their ties the other day," Neel started, "and Richard Johnson..."

"I met him once," Olivia said.

"He told me that it reminded me of one Joe Pesci..."

"We had dinner once," Olivia said.

"Lent him once when they went to Cipriani..."

"We're good friends," Olivia said.

"And they ran into Puff Daddy..."

"I slept with him," Olivia said.

"He had just broken up with J.Lo..."

"We're so tight. I wear her perfume," Olivia said.

"And he was crying on a park bench..."

"I talked to one of those once at a party," Olivia said.

"Just when Madonna ran up..."

"I haven't met her, but she sent me an email," Olivia said.

"Damn, are you going to let me finish my story?"

"Will your story have dinner with me? I know everyone."

"Well, Olivia, it was good to see you, but apparently my friend Betsey over there needs me," Neel said and walked over and grabbed my arm and started walking me away from her. "Hey Bets, so good to see you. I had to get away from annoying Olivia Palermo. Remember that night in Don Hill's? Why don't we find a dressing room and reenact it."

"I'd be more than happy to, Neel, but only if you promise me one thing," I said.

"What's that?"

I whispered a little something into his ear and then closed my hand over it, as if to let it marinade in his ear for a little bit. He smiled that big gorgeous smile of his and pulled me even closer.

"You got it, kiddo!"