The judge handling the Lindsay Lohan case forces her to clean up after dead bodies. Rihanna settles a lawsuit with the photographer she ripped off. Demi Moore is too damn skinny and Kellan Lutz comes out (as straight). Wednesday's gossip is calling in sick.
• The Casey Johnson saga continues: Yesterday, Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips, both of whom were pals of the late heiress, showed up at Tila Tequila's house to take possession of Casey's two dogs. A screaming fight ensued, and the police had to be called in to mediate, since Tequila claimed the two women were taking away the canines to be euthanized. There's some bizarre video of Tila acting crazy, if you're interested. [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• Peter Orzsag, the seemingly straight-laced White House budget director (and the owner of the worst toupee in Washington), has been hiding a little secret. It seems he got engaged to ABC News correspondent Bianna Golodryga a few weeks ago only after dumping his previous girlfriend, shipping heiress Claire Milonas, who happened to be pregnant with their baby at the time. [NYP]
• Speaking of embarrassing White House news, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the fameseeking couple who crashed the state dinner back in November, will be collecting $5,000 to host a party at a Las Vegas club next week. [P6]
• The reason Howard Stern regular, Artie Lange, was hospitalized recently: He tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself nine times. Surgeons managed to save him "despite heavy bleeding." [P6]
• Jersey Shore will be coming back for a second season—or at least that's what one of the cast members is now saying. In the meantime, the crew will continue to collect appearance fees for showing up at bars and clubs. Prices range from $3,000 to $7,500 a piece, or you could pay $30,000 for the whole bunch. And just think of all the hair gel that could buy! [NYDN]
• Lady Gaga has signed a deal with Polaroid to become the brand's "creative director and inventor of specialty products." It's a touch unclear what this will entail exactly, but she may develop "imaging products" for the company and market a line of Gaga-branded cameras and accessories. [People, NYP]
After Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips rescued Casey Johnson's dogs and fur coats from a braless, press-friendly Tila Tequila, the webcam star wept, accused them of killing puppies, and tweeted vows of revenge. Mulholland Drive on Meth keeps getting messier.
• Friends worry Jessica Simpson is "at the lowest point of her life" now that she's lost her beloved dog, Daisy. Others say she's coping "better than her friends may realize." Either way, we she's probably feeling much better now that her friends are sharing her innermost feelings with the tabloids. [People]
• The man suspected of breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house wasn't a complete stranger: The two reportedly hung out on the set of her film Labor Pains last year. The girl's not the best judge of character, as you've probably realized by now. [TMZ]
• The drugs that were prescribed to Anna Nicole Smith amounted to "pharmaceutical suicide," according to newly unsealed court documents that were obtained by the LA Times. Most disturbing: The documents also reveal that both of Anna Nicole's doctors "transgressed professional boundaries by having sexual contact with their famous patient." [LAT]
• Michelle Obama gave Barack the silent treatment at points during his campaign for president because she was pissed about all the women throwing themselves at him, according to a new book. There was even a hot young campaign aide who was mysteriously "relocated" after developing a close relationship with the President. [NYDN, P6]
• Did you catch President Obama's appearance on Letterman last night? [MTV]
MSNBC's Rachel Maddow is turning 36 today. A man Maddow probably isn't very fond of, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, is turning 59. Movie director Barry Sonnenfeld is 56. Actress/scenester Bijou Phillips is turning 29. Debbie Reynolds is 77. Actress Ali MacGraw is 71. Method Man is 38. And everyone's favorite sleazy porn king, Mr. Joe Francis, will get to celebrate his 36th birthday on of prison this year.
• Carson Daly has two reasons to get wasted today: It's St. Patrick's Day, of course. Plus he and his girlfriend Siri Pinter are new parents, too. [People]
• Jon Stewart's secret weapon in his rumble with Jim Cramer last week? His brother, Larry Leibowitz, is a senior exec at NYSE Euronext. [P6]
• A judge recalled Lindsay Lohan's arrest warrant yesterday after seeing the proof that she hadn't stopped attending a court-ordered alcohol education class after all. Also: She hasn't checked into rehab again despite reports to the contrary. Not yet, at least. [NYDN, OK!]
• Natasha Richardson was hospitalized yesterday and is now in critical condition after a skiing accident in Montreal. [People]
• Star Jones is allegedly out at the View — in fact, Rosie O'Donnell's arrival was conditional on Jones' departure, a demand Barbara Walters was all too happy to meet. We don't know whether to be happy or sad. On one hand, we won't have to look at Star's melting face anymore; on the other, now we'll never get to see her and Rosie wrestle in a pool of poop soup. [Page Six]
• Whenever he entered the Tribeca Grand Hotel last week, John Travolta demanded that the music be turned off, forcing a dramatic hush to fall over the room. Unfortunately, not even Scientology offers an explanation for this one. [R&M]
• Anthony Pellicano's associate Paul Barresi hands over notes detailing the identities of several tabloid sources, including Sly Stallone's mother and Cher's daughter Chastity Bono. Most interestingly, Oprah's niece Alisha had been selling her out. Guess someone's not getting a free car this year. [Lowdown]
• Is Tori Spelling growing a silicone fetus in her plastic womb? [Scoop]
• Bijou Phillips climbs back aboard the crazy train. Good thing — her acting "career" really hadn't been so entertaining. [Page Six]
• Until his single really takes off, Nick Lachey will never get over Jessica Simpson. [Access]
Good news abounds! It's come to our attention that Bijou Phillips has abandoned her former hobbies of stabbing and hair-pulling in favor of a more peaceful life of nip-slipping. If you dare click the picture at right (NSFW and disturbingly high-res), you'll see that Bijou's nip bears none of the visible disfiguration we've come to know and fear. Aren't you proud of your little Bijou for keeping it real? Now go enjoy the image while you can, 'cause once Bijou catches you, she gonna cut you.
· Viacom whip-wielder Les Moonves and Early Show co-host Julie Chen are reportedly marrying in Mexico this weekend. The staff at Brite Smile will act as groomsmen, we assume. [Page Six]
· Playmate Nicole Lenz has repaired her "friendship" with violent party-girl Bijou Phillips, but heiress Casey Johnson isn't so lucky. Lenz is now claiming Johnson sent a private investigator to sneak into Lenz's home and take pictures of her diary. [R&M]
· Is actress Gwyneth Paltrow trying for another baby with husband Chris Martin? And will she name the newborn Pomegranate? [Page Six]
Bijou, Bijou, Bijou! So much to say, so little time. The beloved stabbing party girl (and occasional actress, we hear) is gracing this month's cover of Nylon. Some pearls of wisdom on insanity:
—The fearless, fashion-lashing gals at Go Fug Yourself take on fugtastic wild child Bijou Phillips—and Bijou never stood a chance. Good luck picking her handbag out your asses should your paths cross at a party, ladies!
—Before we ever sat down at the computer today, we just *knew* that Lionel Richie's ex-wife was going to get busted for letting her new boyfriend run an illegal wrinkle-injection clinic out of her home. It's like Spider-sense or something.
—Shitergy in brief: ABC admits that having Nicollette Sheridan pretending to bang Eagles receiver Terrell Owens before a game to cross-promote Monday Night Football and Desperate Housewives might not have been the best idea. [via The Media Drop]
—Lindsay Lohan throws a diva shit-fit over some some fucked up plane reservations, leading us to believe that Fez was a much-needed moderating influence on her. Oh, how we miss the Fez days!
