The judge handling the Lindsay Lohan case forces her to clean up after dead bodies. Rihanna settles a lawsuit with the photographer she ripped off. Demi Moore is too damn skinny and Kellan Lutz comes out (as straight). Wednesday's gossip is calling in sick.

  • Lindsay Lohan is going to be in court for the millionth time today to talk about whether or not she violated her probation. (Do you even remember what the probation is for at this point? Me neither. She's guilty of everything.) But the judge in her case, Stephanie Sautner, is pissed at Lindsay and has apparently ordered that she work in the L.A. County Morgue to fulfill the rest of her community service hours. Yes, the last person to touch your grandma before she goes in the ground could be Lindsay. What an honor! Apparently the judge ordered that Lindsay work at a L.A. women's center, but she found the work "unfulfilling," so her probation officer to the stars let her work at the Red Cross instead. Lindsay is trying to find something that's "fulfilling?" That's rich. We can't wait to see what happens in court, but we hope there's lots of talk of blood mopping. [TMZ]
  • According to Dr. Pankaj Singh, the world's leading expert on Lindsay Lohan's teeth, even though he has never seen them in real life, the starlet fixed her oral issues with an emergency dental intervention. We're sure that's not the first time she's had an intervention! He claims she's now hiding her brown chompers with bonding or veneers, which he will perform on you, yes you for the low cost of $99.99 a month for three months, no money down, and 0% interest! [Radar Online]
  • Rihanna has settled the $1 million suit photographer David LaChapelle brought against her for ripping off his photographs to make her "S&M" video. A judge ruled that the scenarios in the video for the song (which I heard an estimated 7,430,204 times on Fire Island this summer) were indeed more than just an inspiration. Rihanna cut a check for an undisclosed amount, but LaChapelle's rep said he's "happy" with the settlement. According to my scientific calculations, happiness is somewhere in the six figures. [Page Six]
  • Demi Moore looked "gaunt" at a movie premiere she attended on Monday in New York. Some conjecture she's so upset about her @APlusK drama that she's losing weight. Please, people, she's just getting ready to get back onto the dating market! [Page Six]
  • Sorry all you male homosexuals out there, Kellan Lutz has official come out as straight. Yes, this is now a thing to do. Yay, equality! But, and that is one very nice but, he says that he prefers to have gay roommates because they're so nice and clean. Well, Kellan, if you need a place to stay next time you're in New York, I'm sure I can lend you a room at my place. [Advocate]
  • Kenyan President Barack Who's Sayin' Obama visited a high school in Virginia and all the kids wanted to ask about is if he knew Justin Bieber. He said he did and then added, unsolicited, "I think he has a girlfriend," which made every girl there fly into a screaming rage. They have now all been shipped off to Guantanamo Bay for further questioning about the acts of terrorism they committed against the president. [Gatecrasher]
  • Law & Order: Endless Residuals Unit star Mariska Hargitay has apparently left the show to start an orphanage. Well, not really, but she has adopted her second child in six months. It's like a baby shopping spree! She sealed the deal six months ago on daughter Amaya Josephine and she and her husband just signed the paperwork for a son that she named Stabler. Ha, just kidding. It's Andrew Nicolas Hargitay Hermann. She only needs to get three babies more to go full Jolie, which is the new EGOT. [People]
  • Apparently Renee Zellweger paid for a ticket to go see her old friend George Clooney's new move The Descendants at the Hamptons International Film Festival this weekend. Yes, it's gotten so bad for poor Renee that she is now paying real money she earned for Case 39 to go to the movies instead of getting tickets for free. The horror! [Page Six]
  • Apparently Blake Lively's former purse holder Penn Badgley is now dating Lenny Kravitz' actress daughter, Zoe Kravitz. They had their first display of PDA at a movie premiere on Monday (the same one where Demi was all skeletony). After hanging out at the premiere and the after party they left with someone else around 12:30. Wait, they had a threeway? Oh, they totally had a threeway. Talk about burying the lede! [Gatecrasher]
  • Here are photos of True Blood stud Joe Manganiello shirtless on the beach, just cause it's a rainy Wednesday here in New York, and you really need this. Trust me. [Too Fab]
  • Danny Masterson and Bijou Phillips got married, because this is 2003. [People]

[Photo via Getty Images, Shutterstock.com]