• The contestants on this season of Donald Trump's Apprentice have been threatened with "severe consequences" if they violate non-disclosure agreements. Frankly, we can't imagine a consequence more severe than simply appearing on the show, but we're sure Trump and Mark Burnett will cook up something pervy. [Lowdown]
• Jessica Simpson fears that younger sister Ashlee will either party herself into serious trouble, or burn down the house while microwaving popcorn. [Page Six]
• Did People executive editor Peter Castro get passed over for the top job at TV Guide because Rupert Murdoch doesn't like the ethnic flavor? [Gatecrasher]
• Larry David's summer home on Martha's Vineyard becomes an epicenter of yuppie controversy, as contractors destroy protected vegetation to create a giant fire pit, barbeque, and stage area. David, being an environmentalist, blames his lawyer. [Page Six]
• The wise handlers for former President Bill Clinton won't allow the liberal ladykiller to be photographed alone with model Petra Nemcova. Pity, we really wanted to see him offer her some post-tsunami comfort. [R&M]
• Michael Jackson thanks his fans for sticking with him while he drunkenly shared his bed with young boys. [Scoop]

News comes today that Jeanine Pirro, the Westchester Country district attorney, will run against Hillary Clinton for U.S. Senate. They're both hard-charging, well-known, charismatic women. And they both have husbands who've been in the public eye. "Ms. Pirro's advisers also believe that in a Senate race," observes the Times, "the candidates' husband issues could cancel each other out."

While we're feeling nostalgicThe Smoking Gun has the transcript of a 1998 debriefing on Monica Lewinsky's encounter with then-President Bill Clinton. An excerpt: "A ray of sunshine was shining directly on Lewinsky's face while she performed oral sex to completion on the President. The President remarked about Lewinsky's beauty." (They also point out that Ms. Lewinsky is participating in Fox's reality TV show, "Mr. Personality," which debuts next Monday.)
Lewinsky transcript [The Smoking Gun]

· Bill Clinton was booed after he took the stage at a Willie Nelson concert on Wednesday night. He responded with a comment about "angry Republicans." [Page Six]
· Actor Bill Paxton says he's proud of the gap between his teeth and that a Moroccan once rubbed his shoulder for good luck after seeing it. (Those Moroccan shoulder rubs aren't always for "good luck," Bill.) [Page Six]
· Miss USA Susie Castillo's publicist went nuts when a photographer tried to take a shot of Castillo with anti-war comic/actress Janeane Garofalo. Castillo was scheduled to do several USO tours with troups. [Page Six]
· Stephen Baldwin is scolding brother Daniel Baldwin for threatening to kick Leonardo di Caprio's ass. [NY Daily News]

· Bill and Hillary Clinton are behind schedule on finishing their respective memoirs, but their publishing houses deny it. One publishing insider on Bill: "[Knopf] is worried he will never actually get around to writing the book - or when he does, he won't be relevant anymore. Hillary is a senator and will probably run for president. Bill does...nothing." [Page Six]
· Sylvester Stallone wants to produce Rocky as a musical. [Page Six]
· Richard Gere on going to jail to free Tibet: "If I heard from a credible person, a high lama, that I'd be much more effective going to prison for 10 years than doing what I'm doing here, of course I'd go to prison." [Page Six]
· The View hostess Star Jones "went nuts," when ABC told her she couldn't plug Payless Shoes on the show. "She was screaming all day. First at ABC executives and then at her agent [Betsy Berg]. But network executives didn't back down and told her they wouldn't let her do free p.r. for the shoes." [Page Six]
· Security guards at the Universal Studios lot in Los Angeles have posted headshots of media mogul Barry Diller in their booths so as not to commit the faux pas of asking their boss to show his identification. [Page Six]
· Chippendale Kevin Cornell: "We strip down as far as the hand can cover. People ask are we gay. Absolutely not. We have to be straight or we wouldn't enjoy pleasuring all these females. Girls follow us all the time and rock stars are jealous of us and we go out and party all the time." [Cindy Adams]
· Director Roman Polanski says he's not angry at Adrien Brody: "I am stunned by what I read. All I can say is that I never said or even thought anything that was ascribed to me. I was jumping with joy when I saw Adrien's speech. I felt - and still feel - enormous gratitude and love for Adrien. Without Adrien Brody there would no 'Pianist.' What more can I say to dispel these lies?" [NY Daily News]

Slate has recruited PR pros to analyze the Iraqi information minister's bizarre speech in which he claimed that there were no Americans in Baghdador that perhaps there were Americans in Baghdad, but they were committing suicide en masse. (Or that maybe the Republican Guard had made themselves invisible and were now blasting U.S. Marines with their superhuman heat ray vision.) Some responses:
· Mike McCurry (Bill Clinton's press secretary): "I'm sure the poor guy has to do this because someone's going to shoot him if he doesn't. At least I never had that problem."
· Frank Mankiewicz (vice chairman of Hill & Knowlton): "I think this guy is playing on the fact that there are really millions of people who just don't believe the U.S. under any circumstances."
· Maurie Perl (Conde Nast's senior vice president for corporate relations) "I'm going to have to take a pass on this one," (adding that she's on deadline with something else.)
· Bobby Zarem (entertainment industry flack): "I want them all killed...I don't think anyone is listening or cares."
Professionals offer advice to Iraq's unhinged information minister [Slate]

· Bill Clinton pulled Richard Gere aside at a party thrown by Anna Wintour to discuss Gere's public excoriation of his wife, Senator Hillary Clinton the recent AmFar event in midtown. David Kuhn, ex-editor of Steven Brill's defunct Content magazine, got into a screaming match with two women who locked themelves in the bathroom for 15 minutes a party hosted by Jay MacInereney. A frustrated Kuhn started banging on the door and yelling, "Come on! Get out of there! It's just fucking rude!" [Page Six]
· Former presidential advisor David Gergen said he'd love to have Richard Nixon in office right now, and declared Bill Clinton the second smartest president. [Page Six]
· Just fired Independent editor Tom Clavin on owner Jerry Della Femina. Della Femina on Clavin, "He's been pretty arrogant and sanctimonious. But the paper's never done better. And people should put in a full day of work." [Page Six]
· Conservative columnist Ann Coulter on why she's moving to Miami: "[Bloomberg] is wrecking New York City and I didn't want to pay for his fascist smoking police...Soon he'll be mandating that New Yorkers have a glass of milk and engage in calisthenics every day...He seems to imagine that New Yorkers were drawn to that city for the clean living...I'm not sure even [former mayor John] Lindsay could have come up with something so breathtakingly stupid. Reduced bar business means reduced tax revenues means Ann-Pays-More. So I'm gone." [Page Six]
· Socialite Sale Johnson: "You know the world's gone nuts when the best rapper is a white guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war." [Cindy Adams]
· Liz Smith is being strangely catty about her NYT counterpart, Joyce Wadler. [Liz Smith]
· Gore Vidal may have authored Michael Moore's Oscar speech. [Liz Smith]
· Rapper Ol'Dirty Bastard is staying in a psychiatric hospital after exhibiting signs of schizophrenia: "He would look up at the sky and say, 'Yes, I will do what you say.' He also said the voices had told him to rename himself 'Big Baby Jesus.'" [NY Daily News]

· Ex-90210 star Shannen Doherty is feuding with Paris Hilton over her soon-to-be ex-husband, Rick Solomon. Paris has been leaving threatening messages on Shannen's answering machine, and Shannen is thinking of filing a restraining order. [Page Six]
· Director Mike Nichols tells Webster Hall curator Baird Jones that he was suffering from Halcion-induced psychosis for six months and believed that he was going broke. [Ed. noteAt what point do we start overtly referring to Baird Jones as a gossip columnist?] [Page Six]
· A day in the life of Martha Stewart: "Today I watched a History Channel special on Ronald Reagan while I was creating sewing kits for my three houses." [Page Six]
· The Carlyle is postponing the opening of their new restaurant, Dumonet, "due to the current political climate." [Page Six]
· Bill Clinton spotted shaking hands and working the room at Bruno Jamais' exclusive Upper East Side eatery. [NY Daily News]

· Bill Clinton cheats. At golf. [Page Six]
· Pavement frontman Stephen Malkmus: "I want to take out that Jimmy Fallon anti-talent. I'm mad at Jimmy Fallon for being average and getting so much credit just because he's cute." [Page Six]
· Norah Jones is abandoning Billyburg for an apartment in Chelsea. [NY Daily News]
· Bebe Neuwirth, upon being told that Chicago star Renee Zellweger was also dining at Michael's: "That's not 'Chicago,'" [she sneered.] "That's a movie." [The Word]

Hillary Clinton issues a disclaimer about her husband's new 60 Minutes gig: "If people don't agree with what he says, they should call his office, not mine."
Clinton, Dole ready for 120 seconds [WaPo via Romenesko]

It's 1996 all over again. 60 Minutes will now be running segments that feature Bill Clinton and Bob Dole (or the "young whippersnappers" as they're affectionately known at 60 Minutes) in a point/counterpoint style debate in an effort to better target the attractive "under 82" demographic. [Ed. noteAlright, alright. They're not really called the "young whippersnappers."]
Clinton and Dole agree to debate on weekly '60 Minutes' segment [NYT]

Bill Clinton has been picked for jury duty and the judge says he may end up serving. The judgea Clinton appointeesays she suspects that there "has never been anyone who answered yes to so many questions and survived the voir dire process," but the defense is arguing that Clinton shouldn't be immediately disqualified, despite his "unusual experience with the O.I.C. (Office of Independent Council)."
Ex-President Clinton tapped for jury duty [AP]

· The Grammy party madness starts Thursday with Rock the Vote's party at Armani Exchange. [Page Six]
· Harvey Keitel shoves aside a fashionista who asks why he's attending the Imitation of Christ show for which his daughter is modeling. [Page Six]
· The L.A. District Attorney says Roman Polanski will be arrested if he tries to attend the Academy Awards next month. [Page Six]
· Heidi Klum, Eve, Jennifer Aniston and Bill Clinton have developed an affinity for Ciroc, the new starchless vodka distilled from French grapes. [Page Six]
· Cindy Adams goes nuts on the The French. [Cindy Adams]
· 25-year-old singer Michael Buble on his private showcase tonight at the China Club: "People are invited to drink,... So I'm going to sound really good." [NY Daily News]
· Tina Brown threatens to keep her dinner party guests from leaving by sealing the exits with duct tape. Drag performer Joey Arias' body piercings set off metal detectors at the French Consulate's screening of Ruben Toledo's film, Fashionation. Quincy Jones' daughter Kidada orders bottles of leather cleansers and moisturizers from Coach, then calls and complains that they're "much too oily." She thought Coach had started a beauty line and had been applying the cleansers and moisturizers to her face. [Intelligencer]

· City Council candidate Vincent Gentile, who is opposing a gay-rights bill, has a constituency of drag queens threatening to campaign for him. [Page Six]
· Annie Leibovitz and Susan Sontag have broken up because Annie ran off with the nanny. [Page Six]
· Steven Greenberg's new club, Cobalt, features 1940s-era antiques collected by Karl Lagerfeld. [Page Six]
· Imitation of Christ designer Danny Seo created necklaces with the letters "FF", meaning "fur free." Some fashionistas thought it stood for "fur forever" and are wearing them proudly with their minks. [Page Six]
· Bill Clinton on Richard Gere's comments to Hillary at the AmFar dinner that her husband did nothing about AIDs: "I don't blame Richard Gere, because he is an actor. He doesn't know..." [NY Daily News]

· Leona Helmsley fires her flak, Howard Rubenstein. [Page Six]
· London's Daily Mail reports that Jude Law and Sadie Frost are expected to split any day now. [Page Six]
· Ben Elliot launches his new concierge service, Quintessentially, tomorrow night at Sotheby's. [Page Six]
· Heath Ledger and Naomi Watts are splitting. (Am I the only one that looked at that headline and thought, "Who the hell is 'Heath Naomis?'" [Page Six]
· Director Danny Boyle is having trouble shooting the sequel to Trainspotting because the actorsEwan McGregor, Robert Carlyle and Jonny Lee Millerlook too healthy. "I need them to look like they've burned themselves out, but they've all been using face cream and Vitamin E lotion." [Cindy Adams]
· Time's bi-annual fashion mag, Time Style & Design launches on the 10th at Gotham Hall. [Liz Smith]
· Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones appeared in court yesterday to seek redress for the Hello! photos that showed (among other things) Zeta-Jones stuffing her face with cake and waving a knife around. Senator John Kerry finds out that his grandparents were Jewish. [NY Daily News]
· Christopher Hitchens, gossip columnist: The Hitch says he thinks Bill Clinton was a CIA plant during their days at Oxford. He adds that they had a girlfriend in common"who's since become a very famous radical lesbian." AlsoJoe Lieberman's press secretary Jano Cabrera on John Kerry's revelation that he's Jewish: "Oy vey. All this talk about who is Jewish and who isn't is absolutely meshuga. That said, there's only one candidate in this race with a real lox box." [Reliable Source]

Clinton visits Post

· Bill Clinton asked to pose with Barenaked Ladies. [Page Six]
· Condé Nast staffers invade Scores for "research purposes." [Page Six]
· Anti-SUV activists Arianna Huffington, Lawrence Bender, Ari Emanuel, and Laurie David have no problem with gas-guzzling private jets. [Page Six]
· Paramount chief Sherry Lansing may be leaving. [Cindy Adams]
· VH1's new reality show follows b-list celebs in rehab; Bobby Brown is wanted by Georgia authorities for violating bond by performing at the American Music Awards; and My Big Fat Greek Wedding star Nia Vardalos responds to a reporter who suggests she's a role model for women who aren't skinny by saying that Russell Crowe and Jack Nicholson are fat, but "nobody ever talks about that." [NY Daily News]

· Daniel Boulud adds shaved black truffles to his DB Burger, making it the new most expensive burger in town ($50.) [Page Six]
· Bonnie Fuller has a staffer that looks like Evan "Joe Millionaire" Marriott, and sent him strolling through Times Square to guage whether or not Marriott warranted coverage in Us Weekly. Thinking they had spotted the real thing, one woman fainted and another began to "cry with excitement." Frightening. [Page Six]
· Matt Drudge pats himself on the back for scooping the Monica Lewinsky story five years ago. [Page Six]
· British spy novelist John Le Carre says the U.S. has "gone mad." [Page Six]
· Salon calls Variety editor Peter Bart an "asshole" for his attack on movie critics. [Page Six]
· Women's Wear Daily reports that the Harper's Bazaar cover of Kate Winslet is actually Winslet's head digitally grafted onto fashion director Mary Alice Stephenson's body. [Page Six]

· Mick Jagger's ex-wives, Bianca Jerry and Jerry Hall, are giving moral support to Saddam Hussein and defending Pete Townshend, respectively. [Page Six]
· Hipster magnet Paul Sevigny is throwing parties every Thursday in the Red Room at The Park. (Note to self: Avoid The Park on Thursdays.) [Page Six]
· CNN anchor Anderson Cooper's mom is Gloria Vanderbilt. [Page Six]
· Bill Clinton spotted at Dylan's Candy Bar. (Insert tasteless joke.) [Page Six]
· Mel Gibson says he's being harrassed by a "reputable paper"reportedly, the New York Times. [Page Six]
· "Insiders" say Jerry Levin's having a meltdown and speculate that soon-to-be ex-wife Barbara, who "didn't see [the divorce] coming," will extract a tidy sum from her soon-to-be ex-husband's portfolio. [Cindy Adams]
· Pete Townshend may have inspired the Raelian cult; Mariel Hemmingway talks about her uncle's strange death; and the Queen wears trousers. [NY Daily News]

The Clintons, Bob Rubin and George Stephanopoulos are all in New York, and Al Gore looked surprisingly at ease when in town for Saturday Night Live. With so many Clinton administration veterans, says New York Magazine, it's as if Manhattan were "a glamorous Elba, an outpost of forsaken ideals." Only difference: Napoleon came back from Elba.
Memo to Al (er, Mr. President): Make a brand-new start of it in old New York [New York Magazine]