• You'll find a lot of information in this David Carr piece on how journalists are forced to act like C.I.A. agents, "encoding files, shredding notes and switching cellphones." What you won't find is any mention of the Observer, which reported essentially the same story two Wednesdays ago. [NYT]
• Nancy Grace, desperate to wrest the title of World's Most Vile Human Being from Ann Coutler, adds plagiarism to her list of sins. Ann Coulter is 45. [NYDN]
• Chris Wallace was stunned that a non-confrontational question suggesting that Bill Clinton was responsible for the deaths of 3,000 American citizens might have been taken the wrong way. [FishbowlDC]
• James Truman, footloose and fancy free, is learning to live without Conde cash. Culture and Travel launches Friday. [NYT]
• Jon Friedman wonders why H-P never tapped his phone. Maybe it's because when you write columns like "The media world is in convulsions" you're pretty much identifying yourself as someone who has no new information. [Marketwatch]

We've always assumed Alessandra Stanley got the TV critic sinecure as a consolation prize for not rising farther at the Times; you'd figure as a former foreign correspondent, she'd at least be able to bring some of that reportorial skill to her review of The Path to 9/11, the controversial ABC mini-series suggesting that Bill Clinton and Osama Bin Laden planned the attack on the World Trade Center together one boozy night at the Viper Room. Well, as Think Progress notes, not so much:

• Time Warner is moving its retail operations to Parsippany, New Jersey (nickname: The City of Lights). Does this foretell further moves west for other segments of the organization? Will Time be setting up shop in Secaucus? Probably not; that would require that its leadership have some sense of direction. [Fishbowl NY]
• Bill Clinton's got his (or some intern's) knickers in a twist about an ABC 9/11 "documentary" which claims that he pretty much flew those planes into the towers himself. [NYP]
• Aging talk show host has another four years to run his once legendary legacy into the ground. [ETP]

• Gee, where did the Forbes article by Michael Noer — the asswipe who advises against marrying a woman who has goals that extend beyond wiping up baby poop — go? Suddenly it's not online! (Ironically enough, we hear that Noer himself is currently away at a wedding, of all things.) Perhaps one of Noer's female bosses realized it'd be best not to publish work by a reactionary douchebag. Who, we might add, is NOT that attractive. Yep, we're going low. Mwa. [Forbes]
• Bonus: nine perfectly good reasons you should marry a power whore. [Hipster Pit]
• In order to promote her new album, Paris Hilton hacks her way into Lindsay Lohan's voicemail. Really, we don't believe she's smart enough to pull off something like this, but her PR team is certainly smart enough to organize a campaign accusing her of such. [TMZ]
• TMZ reports that Horatio Sanz and Will Forte are out at Saturday Night Live; FishbowlNY says it's Sanz and Chris Parnell. Either way, we're getting rid of Sanz, thank God. Maybe they'll hire someone who can keep a straight face and stay in character for more than 23 seconds?
• Rupert Murdoch and Bill Clinton's friendship makes for great UK tabloid contests. [Daily Politics]
• New Marie Claire editor Joanna Coles is no Tina Brown, mostly because she's the editor of Marie Claire. [NYSun]

• Kate Hudson comes to her senses (maybe) and realizes that Owen Wilson (possibly) is not the most stable choice (on earth). But is she ready to go back to a life of picking food out of Chris Robinson's beard? [Us Weekly]
• Did Paramount sever ties with Tom Cruise because he's a lunatic, or because the studio's short on cash? Not that the two are mutually exclusive. [Fox411]
• A shirtless picture of surprisingly hot Today show co-host Matt Lauer goes for five times as much as that of Matthew McConaughey. [TMZ]
• Quick question: Is there anyone or anything Nathan Lane won't talk shit about? Today, it's the Matthew Broderick bug that's climbed up Lane's ass, and the two may not work together again. [Page Six]
• 29-year-old virgin Sarah DiMuro's pristine hymen is the best thing to happen to Jane in years. [Lowdown]
• Bill Clinton takes Chelsea and the gang to Serendipity 3, Dylan's Candy Bar, and the Museum of Natural History. Afterwards, they boarded back on their big red bus and headed back to their hotel in Times Square. [Page Six]

Yesterday, the ugly truth came out: billionaires are twat hounds. Not all billionaires, that is, but certainly billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, a kooky Manhattan financier who helped fund Radar 2.0 and now, alas, is charged with a third-degree felony after asking a masseuse if she would give him a "happy ending" in his Palm Beach mansion. And as the Palm Beach Post reports, that masseuse was just one in a string of several young, often underage women. He sounds charming — let's get to know him, shall we?

Our political-minded sibling over at Wonkette points us to a recent interview with alleged plagiarist Ann Coulter, 45, which, even with all our experience watching the 45-year-old alleged plagiarist, still manages to shock us. According to Ann, Bill Clinton is... wait for it... a gay. And why? Well, because of the women he slept with.

Despite Drudge's incoherent heralding of forthcoming doom, today's Times article on the state of the Clintons' marriage is hardly revelatory. Yes, they're both very busy. No, they don't spend a ton of time together. Yes, Bill is trying to keep his distance. No, there really isn't any new information here.

In what may be the most oddly compelling interview we've seen in a while, Janice Dickinson, the world's first supermodel (and living proof that plastic surgery for necks is nowhere near as advanced as plastic surgery for faces) talks to The Book Standard about her latest work, Check, Please!, a dating guide. Janice, who actually seems more intelligent than her interlocutor, shares her insights on the following topics:

• Howell Raines' new book — The One That Got a Way — has an unoriginal title. [WWD]
• Bidding for Plame memoir reaches seven figures. And it sounds like the Howell Raines book party was boring. [NYP]
• People named Time Inc.'s mag of the year, for its excellent coverage of, among other things, the ill-fated Zellweger-Chesney nuptials. [WWD]
• More investors are shorting Times Co. stock. Oh, poor Pinch. [NYP]
• ABC anchor Bob Woodruff's recovery continues, but it's still unclear when he'll be able to return. [LAT]
• More evidence 750 Third Avenue will rival 4 Times Square in coolness: New cafeteria will offer sushi bar, custom salad station, international specials. [Media Mob/NYO]
• Well-hung Clinton to speak at News Corp. retreat. [Media Mob/NYO]
• Forbes editor Bill Baldwin doesn't read Jon Friedman's column. [MW]

• Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan gets spanked for plagiarizing her debut novel. Little, Brown enters shame spiral for having given an underage hack a two book, $500K deal — they cope by pulling her bestseller from the shelves.
• People names its "beautiful people" and is rumored to have shelled out some $700K for access to the Brangelina.
• As Rolling Stone's 1,000th issue party draws near, some Wenner proles lament their lack of invites. At least RS staffers scored the golden tickets.
• Rosie O'Donnell is slated to replace Meredith Vieira on The View, ensuring that the show is a must-see for those looking for some morning show bloodlust.
• Time's top dog Jim Kelly may be moving on as early as June. Oh, Santa, please don't go.
• In other speculative job changes, is Lloyd Grove considering ditching the Daily News for the Post and Page Six?
• Thank God it's spring — media softball is back, and just as mandatory as ever.
• You can see Anderson Cooper's memoir, but they'll have to kill you afterwards.
• Gawker mascot Andrew Krucoff gets a new job at the 92nd Street Y, meaning that our consciences may finally rest. For now, anyhow.
• If there's one sort of error from the Post that we can never, ever forgive, it's misreporting the size of Bill Clinton's penis. This is America, people — knowing presidential cock is like knowing the Pledge of Allegiance.

Well hung, eh? Hmm...

On Sunday, the Times ran a disconcertently glowing story about shaken-down billionaire Ron Burkle's friendship with Bill Clinton. One of the fuzzy details included was how Clinton and Burkle had met; according to the Times, the two were introduced after Clinton had heard that Burkle's supermarkets were spared in the LA riots because he was so good to his employees. After Slate's Mickey Kaus pointed out that Burkle's properties weren't so much spared as torched, the Times has put its tail between its legs:

• In an attempt to save face in light of his estranged wife Denise Richards' claims that he's a drugged-up porn freak with a gambling problem, Charlie Sheen takes to Entertainment Tonight to make his case. Working against him, however, is the fact that only a drugged-up porn freak with a gambling problem would think a celebrity fluff show is the proper venue to do such a thing. [ET]
• Did Paris Hilton lose her Bentley in a poker game? Doubtful — we imagine she's quite good, actually. That lazy eye must make her impossible to read. [OCN]
• After getting slammed in the reviews of her Broadway debut, Julia Roberts does what any heartbroken women would do: She runs to Oprah. [Gatecrasher]
• Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder preps for his tour by getting wasted and singing Up Where We Belong. [Page Six]
• Bill Clinton steals the show at Ted Kennedy's book party. Obviously. [R&M]
• Recipe for the most random gossip item ever: Take one $900 Hermes blanket, mix with Lindsay Lohan, Brett Ratner, and a bikini-clad Zeta Graff. Serve with unimaginable stupidity. [Page Six]

No long able to justify any intense, above-the-fold, gossip industry fun, Times had an oddly feel-good article about shaken-down billionaire Ron Burkle and his business-boosting friendship with Bill Clinton. In short, Clinton helps Burkle's Yucaipa Companies "find investment projects," and Burkle's profits help Clinton pursue his philanthropic projects around the world. So how'd these two power-brokers forge a friendship? According to the Times:

Ron Burkle's mansion Green Acres, the "historic" (by L.A. standards) former Harold Lloyd estate in Beverly Hills, is best described as a sort of Democratic Bohemian Grove.

We've received this picture before and sort of ignored it. But it showed up today, and it has newfound relevancy. If the emailer is to believed — and frankly, there's no particular reason to believe it, but why not? — that's Bill Clinton, with his arm around a 19-year-old NYUer named Rachel, photographed on Ron Burkle's private plane. Insert your own lecherous jokes here.

• "Wenner is driving everyone crazy," a staffer tells Keith Kelly. "He keeps changing his mind." This time that refers to plans for the Rolling Stone 1,000th issue party. [NYP]
• Charlie Rose to undergo heart surgery in Paris. It'll be under general anesthetic, which will give the surgeons a chance to get a few words in. [Reuters via Yahoo]
• The biggest Katie question: What exactly is gravitas? [NYO]
• Business books are back. And — have you heard? — Elizabeth Spiers has a new Wall Street blog. [WWD]
• The Newspaper Guild's bid for a dozen erstwhile Knight Ridder papers is backed by Ron Burkle's Yucaipa Cos. (Hmm, where have we heard of them before?) Bill Clinton in on the board of Yucapia. So Bill Clinton could end up as a newspaper owner, sort of. [NYSun]
• Lou Dobbs has discovered that "what works in cable television news is not an objective analysis of the day's events but hard-nosed, unstinting advocacy of a specific point of view." Who knew? [NYT]
• Time Inc. wants to be a web player now. If only the company could find a path. [WSJ]

This is, we're told, a real job listing:

Maureen Dowd, yesterday (bold ours):