♦ Jennifer Aniston is finally speaking out about her breakup with Brad Pitt. In the December issue of Vogue, she says what Angelina Jolie did was "really uncool," and that she had no idea that Brad had cheated on her until she read about it afterwards. [MSNBC, NYP]
♦ The security guard who roughed-up Brad Pitt at the premiere of his own movie on Monday night says he was only trying to protect Brad by helping him get away from a pack of aggressive photographers. [ET, NYP]
♦ Madonna is supposedly considering a career as a movie director so she can "rival" her ex, Guy Ritchie, at least according to her nutty brother Christopher Ciccone. She should have more time to pursue a directing career if she chooses to: Officials in Malawi have said she can "forget" about adopting another baby as long as she plans to bring it into a "broken home." [The Sun, MSNBC]
♦ Billy Ray Cyrus says he is trying to get Malia and Sasha Obama to appear in an episode of Hannah Montana. [NYDN]

We've had an early glimpse at the joys to come later this week on The Tyra Banks Show, where the host will spend Friday with birthday girl Miley Cyrus and family at yet another Miley fête hosted by Disney. Beyond the nuggets of insight into Miley's poo-scrubbing child-labor days ("I worked at this place called Sparkles Cleaning Service and I cleaned houses, I was like 11. ... I can clean toilet bowls”), however, the true revelations begin when Tyra corners Billy Ray Cyrus into a discussion of "Miley Day" — a tradition of parental indulgence during which, says Cyrus, "whatever she said she wanted to do that day we was gonna do it, no matter what it was…" We'll let Billy Ray take it from there in the accompanying video; let it suffice to say they'll never again be allowed to sit beside each other in church. [Tyra Banks Show]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Strict parental unit Billy Ray Cyrus enforced a new rule for daughter Miley Cyrus and sort of boyfriend, hunky underwear model Justin Gatson. Father Cyrus based his new rule on the infamous "five seconds" rule and Gatson now has to stand at least five feet away from his daughter when out in public in an attempt to cut down on the creepy factor. Billy Ray said, “I got the idea this morning after I dropped a grape on the kitchen floor. I naturally started the countdown in my head as I bent down to pick it up. Now, if five seconds is all that separates me from harmful bacteria and disease, then five feet or so should keep things from getting creepy and uncomfortable and people getting the wrong idea. They’re not into putting labels on things.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

She may have lost her hot fudge virginity recently to a towering ice cream sundae, but Miley Cyrus swears she has yet to round the real bases with her underwear model boyfriend, Justin Gaston. (Which reminds us of that old joke: Q. What's the difference between regular male models and underwear models? A. Ball separators!) All that isn't to say she hasn't been fully supportive of his career, however, clapping wildly as her man struts down the runway, showing off the latest advancements in 2(x)ist's proprietary JunkFlex™ technology. But according to some eyewitnesses at a recent LA Fashion Week event, Cyrus got a little carried away, exposing her tongue suggestively (see photo) and plotting a hot night of bible-passage-exchange with her beau following the show. Page Six reports:

Our little Miley is growing up so fast! This weekend, the Hannah Montana threw her Sweet 16 extravaganza at Disneyland (despite the fact that she won't actually turn sixteen for several more weeks) and one of the most notable acts was a rendition of "Achy Breaky Heart" performed by both her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Miley's new underwear-modeling beau, Justin Gaston. Though some fathers might blanch at the idea of a smooth-crooning 20-year-old dating their 15-year-old daughter, Billy Ray tells Access Hollywood that he sees a lot of himself in the briefs-clad hunk:

For many girls, turning sixteen is a landmark event that signals the end of being a kid and the onset of new, adult behavior. Why, just check out how tween queen Miley Cyrus is preparing for the occasion: she's kissing girls, eating her clothes off, dating an underwear model, and ready to party with thousands of her favorite gays! There's only one inconvenient reminder of her childhood left: her Disney hit Hannah Montana, which TMZ says Cyrus is keen to leave behind by any means necessary:

Tween queen Miley Cyrus has a complicated relationship with her clothes: sometimes she's lured out of them by unscrupulous Vanity Fair photographers, and sometimes she simply wants to eat the American Eagle t-shirt off her chest like any other 15-year-old girl. This rampant teen licentiousness has caused cultural stewards the world over to clutch their pearls, and now it seems that a defiant Cyrus has added a like-minded clothes-eschewer to her coterie: 20-year-old singing underwear model Justin Gaston, with whom she was just snapped at church. Is he Miley's latest attempt to pander to the gays, or is this budding, bulging love? More pictures, video, and analysis, after the jump:Just Jared has the bare facts backstory:

Leader of the tween revolution Miley Cyrus could barely hold back her excitement as the entire Cyrus clan headed for an early dinner at a City Wok in Studio City. The famed family rallied together to celebrate Billy Ray's birthday, but sadly, City Wok was not his first choice for a birthday dinner. Billy Ray Cyrus said, "I wanted to go to STK or Chop and get a great big ole steak. But since Miley is the breadwinner in this family, she calls the shots and she picked up City Wok." Miley added, "Egg rolls are going to be super yummers. Happy birthday, Dad!"

Rachael Ray celebrates the big 4-0 today, just a week after she earned the top spot on Forbes' list of the richest celebrity chefs. Others blowing out candles today: Regis Philbin is 77, Gossip Girl's Blake Lively is 21, Rachel Bilson is 27, and Kiss' Gene Simmons is 59. Actor Blair Underwood is turning 44. Country singer Billy Ray Cyrus is 47. Disgraced media mogul Conrad Black is 64. Theater producer Marc Routh is 46 today. Director Tim Burton is celebrating his 50th. Sean Connery is turning 78. And supermodel Claudia Schiffer is 38.

• Republican-leaning movie star Bruce Willis opened a yuppie-friendly wine bar in the East Village, which prompted protests from neighborhood lefties and counterprotests from the Young Republicans. Turns out? He's not a partner in the bar, he just lent his name as a favor. Because, you know, wine, action movie star Bruce Willis — the connection is obvious. Plus he totally made those wine cooler commercials in the 80s. [Observer]

Billy Ray Cyrus, virtue-hoarding father and achy-breaky-svengali to cultural tween phenomenon Miley Cyrus, appeared on The Today Show this morning, where for the first time he was made to address the now-infamous Virgin Miley study that recently graced the pages of Vanity Fair. An unwavering Meredith Vieira was determined to figure out where he was as photographer Annie Leibovitz crouched beneath a lighting umbrella, pressing two index fingers to her lips as she spitballed aloud, "For the next one, maybe lose the clothes, clutch that sheet to your chest, and give me your best 'Got Milk?' face."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

Congratulations to the gang at United Talent Agency, who last weekend offset a series of high-profile defections with the addition of Mitchell Gossett — the Agent to the Child Stars who brings along top client and recent teenagers-fucking firebrand Miley Cyrus. Nikki Finke had the news Saturday, reporting that Billy Ray Cyrus would be tagging along out of Gossett's former headquarters at Cunningham Escott Slevin Doherty, sort of a halfway house for transitioning young talent (and, evidently, their middling parents). Finke notes that it's anyone's guess how Miley's Vanity Fair bedsheet-rocking played into the deal, but the timing seems clear enough to us.

Last night's edition of The Insider gave its audience a brief respite from incremental updates on who might be awarded the fatter, juicier part of Dannielynn Smith following a Bahamian judge's inevitable, Solomonic order to cleave the disputed infant in twain to share the fascinating story of the so-called Wolf Whisperer, star of National Geographic's documentary A Man Among Wolves. That this Whisperer was pragmatic enough, unlike Werner Herzog's ill-fated Grizzly Man hero, to choose an object of obsession that can't kill him with a single swipe of its paw bodes well for his future Hollywood prospects; if he'd met a tragic end chasing his feral dreams, his chances of having his story eventually adapted into a feel-good Friday night drama for CBS (starring Billy Ray Cyrus, red-hot off his Dancing with the Stars revival) would probably have died with him.