You're probably just moments from departing for the happy hour drink specials that will help you blot out the memories of the past week, so let's get to your blind item guesses. But first (there's always a "but first"), quickly review Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices:
Wherein we invite our readers to drag the shiny, clean blind item razor blade offered by humpy E! gossip-cutter Ted Casablanca along an unscarred section of their fleshy forearms, the only self-destructive act that makes them feel truly alive anymore. This week, Ted ambitiously juggles three hopelessly concealed subjects, supplementing his obsessive coverage of Toothy Tile's half-out-of-the-closet antics with those of two secretly homosexualized co-stars. Dip your toes in Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices:
Yesterday, pursuant to a blind item on the Apiary, we asked for your guesses as to what comedian had been "BANNED from performing on one of NYC's premiere stages" due to his proclivity for "ramrodding peanut butter up his pooper and for graphically demonstrating how to diddle a baby." Your responses after the jump.
Over the weekend, we heard an interesting tidbit that a small number of people are BANNED from performing on one of NYC's premiere stages because of salacious exhibitions of poor taste during performances. One comedian earned his adieu by ramrodding peanut butter up his pooper and for graphically demonstrating how to diddle a baby, on stage.
Toiling over in the new Fortress of Humpitude his E!nslavers have constructed for him on their redesigned website, disgruntled gossipist Ted Casablanca coyly blinded this item about a Paramount star (not pictured, probably) who rather rudely called attention to studio boss Brad Grey's well-documented, three-apples-tall stature:
Before you all bolt your desks for the sweet, sweet freedom of the weekend, let's wrap up today's blind item guessing game. But before moving on to your guesses, take another lap around One Unsisterly Blind Vice:
Wherein we invite our heretical readers to tie themselves to humpy E! gossip-Grand Inquisitor Ted Casablanca's wooden stake and submit to the purifying flames of his righteous blind items. Submitted for your guessing game pleasure is today's installment of the continuing, coke-flecked tale of recurring Casablanca character Morgan Mayhem (yes, again, but who could get tired of someone this lovable?), whose allegedly escalating drug habit somehow hasn't alleviated her behavioral problems, but has done wonders in releasing her Sapphic, exhibitionist traits. Close you eyes and allow One Unsisterly Blind Vice to wash over you:
The suspense is crippling—proceed on to your blind item guessing game answers before you pass out from anticipation. But first, one more lap around One Headline-Hungry Blind Vice:
[Ed, note—Despite a nagging fear that disgruntled E! gossip Ted Casablanca's daily column is being written by a Random Celebrity Name And English-Like Word Generator ever since he aired his grievances, we have heard your pleas, and we are ready to return the Blind Item Guessing game to our weekly rotation. So we better see some guesses flooding in! Enjoy.] Wherein we invite our readers to build a makeshift raft from any buoyant materials handy on their desert islands and push off into the angry, churning sea presided over by humpy E! gossip-Poseidon Ted Casablanca, avoiding a lacerating trident-poke as they guess the identity of his weekly blind item. Marinate in the literal starfuckery of One Headline-Hungry Blind Vice:
Earlier today, we slapped up a handful of blind items from Page Six and Gatecrasher: a news anchor whose sexual harassment problems have come at quite the expense; a movie "stud" spied in Venice enjoying a gay tryst; a Latina actress who won't shut up about her wonderful boyfriend, even though she cheated on him; and a magazine executive who prefers Chinese "food" to his own wife.
• Actress Kate Hudson didn't separate from Black Crowe husband Chris Robinson because he's a crunchy dirtman and she's, well, Kate Hudson. Us Weekly reports that Hudson's affair with Owen Wilson led to the split — once you climb on the Stallion, there's no climbing off. [Us Weekly]
• Damn the man: the IRS pushes to tax celebrity swag bags. [TMZ]
• Africa is hot! Rapper Eve ends her relationship with the son of the president of Equatorial Guinea, where citizens live on $1 a day, at the urging of Sunday Styles. [R&M]
• Blind item guessing game: "Which major magazine executive probably isn't hungry when he goes home to his wife, since he's having Chinese at the office??" Send in your guesses if you've got 'em. [Gatecrasher (last item)]
• 57-year-old actor Bruno Kirby died yesterday. He had been recently diagnosed with leukemia. Honor him tonight by ordering the Shrek doll episode of Entourage on HBO On Demand. [People]
• After 63 years of ongoing renevations to her W. 71st Street townhouse, Ann Curry's neighbors are suing her for over $900,000 because of the constant noise and disruption. Does that mean we can sue NBC? Because whenever Curry is on the screen, we feel a little disrupted, too. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake isn't signing up for the Soul Patrol anytime soon. [Scoop]
• Joey Buttafuoco shops a book proposal. Written in crayon. [Page Six]
Ted Casablanca has bafflingly worded questions, you have answers. But first, set your "neck massager" to high and work out the kinks in One Gossip-Column Blind Vice again before moving on to your guesses.
Wherein we invite our readers to grab their Bowie knives and whittle away at the skinny section of tree branch provided by embattled, humpy E! gossip-craftsman Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. This week, Ted shakes off some ongoing career controversy and takes out his frustration on the English language, offering this tantalizingly inscrutable tale of a possibly gay personality and his affection for sex toys. (We think?) Open your hearts to One Gossip-Column Blind Vice:
Dependable E! gossip-geyser Ted Casablanca—whose many closet-case and cokehead-centric blind items have provided Defamer readers with the foundation for countless hours of Guessing Game fun—has found himself embroiled in an ongoing controversy at his host network, which he dubs "CasablancaGate" in an unabashed airing of dirty-laundry in today's Awful Truth column. After posting several e-mails demanding some explanation as to his recent absence from E! News broadcasts, Ted offers this sketchily detailed response:
On a day so utterly clotted with both gay- and blow-related news, we wouldn't dare keep you in suspense about your responses to the gay/blow blind item guessing game. But before you move on to the good stuff, stick a little more Two Old-School Blind Vices up your nose:
Wherein we invite our readers to grab the nearest whip and folding chair and attempt to tame feral E! gossip-lion Ted Casablanca with a couple of nasty lashes and some savvy guesses as to the identity of his weekly blind item. Torn between his twin loves of closeted actors engaged in sodomy-based shenanigans and actresses with a healthy appetite for powdered narcotics, Ted offers blind dirt on both subjects. Unload both shotgun barrels on Two Old-School Blind Vices:
