Please put down your pencils and turn in your bluebooks; if you don't know the answer to this week's Blind Item Guessing Game, no hastily scrawled, last-minute guess can save you. But before we get to your responses, indulge in another quickie with One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice:
Wherein we invite our readers to risk the loss of multiple digits by plunging their hands into the piranha-infested aquarium stocked by humpy E! gossip-Neptune Ted Casablanca, hoping to emerge grasping the solution to his weekly blind item. This morning, Ted weaves a tale of a gay husband (hmm. gay husbands seem to be going around today!) who finally shared his secret sodomy hobby with his willfully oblivious wife. Spritz yourself with the alluring scent of One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice:
It's time to share your collective blind item wisdom with the world. But before going on to your guesses, get drunk and call One Overly Caring Blind Vice, hoping to rekindle your long-dead romance:
[Ed.note—Normally we wouldn't run the Blind Item Guessing Game a day after Ted C. published his item, but it's been too long since we've done one, we are powerless before your cries to hit this installment, and, most crucially, it's a slow Tuesday. Enjoy.] Wherein we invite our readers to wander naked and unashamed through the paradaisical blind item garden lovingly tended by humpy, infinitely benevolent E! gossip-Creator Ted Casablanca and hazard an inevitably incorrect guess as to the identity of this week's secret celebrity subject. This week, Ted turns to two of his favorite recurring characters, Morgan Mayhem and a huge pile of blow. Dip yourself in honey and invite the sweet stings of One Overly Caring Blind Vice:
• Wait, so Britney Spears did her own hair and makeup for last week's Dateline video? Oh, good. We were afraid she actually paid someone to paint her face like an inverted raccoon. [Page Six]
• And, moreover, Brit won't be giving birth in Namibia. She'd rather go somewhere more original, like Angola. [AP]
• Brangelina wants to adopt another fucking kid. [People]
• Former Green Beret John Paulus apologizes to Clay Aiken for selling him out to the National Enquirer. Paulus didn't mean to profit off of their special man-love, and he hopes for forgiveness. No comment from Aiken, who's too busy giving himself another god-awful hairstyle. [Scoop]
• David Hans Schmit, the man who's been auctioning off Paris Hilton's personal diaries and photos after she failed to pay the bill for her storage locker, shows up to Macy's on Friday for Hilton's fragrance launch. She still gave him an autograph. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Blind item guessing game: drugs, infidelity, a break-up. Just another Hollywood marriage. [Gatecrasher (last item)]
• Ted Kennedy drinks just enough to baby-talk to his Portuguese water dogs without scaring any children present. [Lowdown]
Your answers to this week's guessing game are in, and they're going to shake the entire blind item industry to its very core. But before you move on to your cataclysm-beckoning guesses, bone up on One Diva-Damning Blind Vice:
Wherein we invite our readers to risk instant paralysis by diving head-first into the shallow end of humpy E! gossip-lifeguard Ted Casablanca's blind item pool and guess the hopelessly obscured identity of this week's unnamed celebrity. Today's item once again concerns that time-honored fascination of the gossip-hungry public, the supposedly straight guy who secretly prefers the company of men. For sex. Lather yourself up in One Diva-Damning Blind Vice:
This out-of-the-blue email showed up in the inbox today:
• Oil heir Brandon Davis claims to have called Lindsay Lohan and apologized for calling her firecrotch no less than ten times in a video aired last week on TMZ.com. Of course, this development comes via Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, so the only thing we believe thus far is that this whole story reads like a dealer's address book. [Page Six]
• Incoming View-ette Rosie O'Donnell isn't tip-toeing around fading co-host Star Jones. Here's hoping the two share at least one tense, bitchy episode together before Jones is shown the door. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Welcome to the twilight zone: Brian Grazer makes out with Bai Ling; Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Laguna Beach's Talan Torriero. [Gatecrasher]
• Former ER star Alex Kingston claims she was turned down for Felicity Huffman's role on Desperate Housewives because she was too "curvy." And this is shocking because? [Scoop]
• Ivanka Trump blind item? [R&M (last item)]
• In his divorce from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney is determined to get custody of his 2-year-old daughter Beatrice, if only so he can prove to himself that he can raise at least one daughter who doesn't hate him. [Page Six]
Did you see Sunday Styles yesterday? If not, you missed the big news, carried over thousands of words jumping from the top of the front page, with lots of art and graphics and philosophical musing, that — and we hope you're sitting down — more people go to gyms now than did 20 years ago. (Who knew?) To commemorate this blatantly obvious fact, Guy Trebay spends 24 hours the Crunch on Lafayette, his local gym, and delivers a piece that in no way at all conveys the experience of spending 24 hours in your local gym. He does, however, catalogue the celebs who work out there, in an oddly bifurcated roundup that names some while granting others anonymity. Why this split, we wondered? And, more important, who are the unnamed celebs?
Your hand is shaking either because you're trembling with anticipation over the responses to today's blind item guessing game, or you haven't yet spiked your Friday afternoon latte with enough vodka to get you through to happy hour. We'll do our part to make sure it stops, but first, roll around in One Squat-Ready Vice before going on to your guesses:
Wherein we invite our heroic readers to penetrate the secret, underground lair of humpy E! gossip-supervillain Ted Casablanca and free his weekly blind item from its cruel imprisonment in a cage of inscrutable language. Today's offering explores the often suspicious relationship between celebs and the people who encourage the sweaty, straining stars to keeping pumping away until muscle failure, personal trainers. Fluff up One Squat-Ready Vice:
• Though we spent all morning weeping for the beacon of bad parenting that is Britney Spears, we might now be able to dry our eyes. Turns out, she was doing nothing wrong — other than going out in curlers. [Jalopnik]
• Original Survivor Richard Hatch gets 51 months in jail for failing to pay taxes on his earnings. Lucky for him, the naked shtick will earn him all sorts of friends in prison. [TaxProf]
• David Patrick Columbia has an interesting blind item about a jet-setting socialite; even more than her identity, we'd love to know the name of the magazine editor who bends to her will. [NYSD]
• Happy birthday, Tucker Carlson! That makes 38 long years of douchebaggery, and many more to come. [Jossip]
• Meet the Popper Monster, the worst gay man to ever hit the dance floor. Also, he's probably your stockbroker. [Manhattan Offender]
• Only in New York would 39 gays assume we already have a gay newscaster on air. [NYM]
• Tragically, hipsters face discrimination from non-hipsters who happen to just look like hipsters. [YouTube]
• We didn't know it was even possible, but Pete Doherty continues to test the laws of the universe, growing more fucked up by the day. [Witz]
Wherein we invite our readers to unlearn everything they thought they knew about celebrities, life, and the English language and submit themselves to the radical reeducation of humpy E! gossip-imagineer Ted Casablanca's weekly blind item. Today, Casablanca takes up the humanitarian cause of saving recurring Blind Vice character Morgan Mayhem from the powdery clutches of the White Scourge. Pinch one nostril and inhale deeply of One Employee of the Month Blind Vice:
• Oprah's sorority sister Gayle King is angling for Star Jones' spot on The View, but her friendship with Jones makes it hard for King to execute a campaign. Is this really a difficult choice? Or is Gayle just stupid? [R&M]
• Ted Casablancas introduces the world's most thinly veiled blind item ever. The use of Morgan makes it even more impressive. [Awful Truth]
• Katie Couric nets an impressive $115K to speak about herself at the University of Oklahoma's graduation ceremony. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Don't get too excited for the upcoming Guns n' Roses shows at Hammerstein. Axl Rose didn't even show up at a rehearsal attended by Sebastian Bach — what makes you think he'll appear for little old you? [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton is thrilled to promote her new video game, even if she has no fucking clue what it's called. At least she got her name right. [AP]
• O.J. Simpson proves that it's actually possible to be less funny than Ashton Kutcher. [Page Six]
• Ashlee Simpson won't talk about her rumored nose job. The work speaks for itself. [IMDb]
• And just because it's Friday: we cannot stop looking at the hypnotizing monstrosity of Uma Thurman's breasts. [Yeeeah]
Page Six reported today that Lindsay Lohan's lackluster Today show appearance on Monday morning was due to an all nighter with a group of friends that included an unnamed Conde Nast staffer. Clearly said staffer deserves a promotion and a gold medal for his dedication to the Conde cause, so we put it to our dear readers to name some names.
Today's Page Six has some interesting blind items, but we're going to focus on just one:
