During today’s hearing, the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee brought in sentient sunglasses display Bono to discuss what role foreign aid should play in stopping violent extremism. Instead, Bono recommended sending two powerful Jews and Chris Rock directly into ISIS’s clutches.

Why would you spend your money on a vinyl copy of U2’s Songs of Innocence? Regardless of your feelings on what I’m sure is a perfectly fine late-career U2 album, didn’t basically everyone get that record for free last year? The lunkheaded spendthrifts who stood in line to shell out for a “deluxe exclusive” version of Songs on Record Store Day and found another band’s music inside only got what was coming to them.

U2 frontman Bono, who suffered some gruesome injuries last November in a high-speed cycling accident while disguised as a hasidic Jew, kicked off 2015 with some news that will be extremely sad to you if you are Bono: Bono's broken hand and arm may not be able to play Bono's guitar ever again.

Imagine you're walking in Central Park. A cyclist speeds by, dressed in full Hasidic garb, then skids out of control, toppling to the ground. His injuries are brutal: broken eye orbit, fractured shoulder, bone poking through the skin of his arm. He looks up at you as if to plead for help, and surprise! It's Bono!

Maybe someone really is trying to kill Bono. Three days after the U2 singer ate shit while biking in Central Park, Rolling Stone has published a detailed report of his injuries, which include a broken eye orbit, a fractured shoulder, and a shattered left humerus bone (parts which ended up stabbing through the skin of his upper arm).

U2 have postponed their scheduled week-long residency on the Tonight Show while they deal with the unknown person or persons trying to kill Bono, so Jimmy Fallon booked himself and The Roots to stand in for The Biggest Dad Band in the World last night.

Just days after Bono narrowly escaped death in a malfunctioning private jet comes the news that Bono has been involved in a somewhat serious bicycle accident. Which begs the question, is this all a coincidence, or could Bono be in real danger?

On Wednesday, a private jet carrying Bono from Ireland to Germany somehow managed not to crash after one of its goddamn doors flew off mid-flight, reportedly scattering the U2 frontman's luggage somewhere in Europe.

Bono, a cosmic warrior sent from the future to save us from rock songs that don't have the word "yeah" in them, has a habit of wearing really doofy-looking glasses. It turns out he wears them because of a disease. Who's the asshole now?

"I thought, forget the rock opera, forget the bombast, the only thing I would be singing today is the facts," Bono proclaimed at his TED talk yesterday, "For I have truly embraced my inner nerd. So, exit the rock star. Enter the evidence activist. The 'factivist.'"

Bono whipped out a Bill Clinton impersonation at a speech in DC. He "Still Hasn't Found [The Accent] He's Looking For."

Breitbart.com guy and Human Events editor-at-large Jason Mattera is " D.C.'s Bad Boy Reporter," and what says "bad boy" more than ambushing U2 frontman Bono for a "gotcha" interview about U2's taxes? Ha ha, except that Mattera actually ambushed a Bono impersonator, which may be why he couldn't really answer questions about U2's taxes:

Yesterday afternoon, New York Times Co. CEO Janet Robinson abruptly announced her resignation. She may have been pushed out, though she got a nice fat "consulting" paycheck to cushion her fall. The important question now: who takes over?

Bono. This guy. The guy from U2. But you probably know him for being the world's all-around best human. He's not just some rock star that groupies want to bang; he's some rock star who's always writing op-eds about Serious World Issues, which makes an entirely new set of groupies want to bang him.

Elevation Partners, which counts U2 frontman Bono and guitarist The Edge as investors, has seen its November 2009 investment in Facebook more than quadruple. And the gains are poised to grow even more.

It was supposed to have been a bittersweet and quietly contemplative week for Glenn Beck, whose final Fox News Channel show aired today. Of course, all that was derailed by that senseless incident at Bryant Park, when his entire family was swept away by a wave of Cabernet Sauvignon released from a crop duster by an insane liberal. (Or else a plastic cup of wine tipped over. Reports were conflicting.)

You are a terrible person for reading this nasty story about America's sweetheart. Ashlee Simpson has a new boyfriend. Ryan Dunn drank picklebacks before he died. Steve-O recalls doing blow with LiLo while she was in rehab. Wednesday gossip is a big mistake. Big. Huge.

Disastrous Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark finally, really, actually opened, believe it or not. No one died, or anything! Guess who showed up? Julie Taymor, the director who was forced out by producers just a few months ago.

Chorus boy-hobbling megamusical/bottomless comedy font Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark is back from a months-long hiatus, and great news: It's fully retooled!

Uh-oh: Someone seems to have told Bono that his Spider-man musical sucks. And now, according to The New York Times, the U2 frontman has "taken a direct role" in talks with director Julie Taymor over the possibility of her exit.