America's awful parents: if they're not taping their kids to the wall, then they're overparenting them, starting in kindergarten, so they can "get into Harvard" in 15 years. For example: even pre-literate toddlers are too smart for picture books.

Not surprising, but still awful! About 100 Wal-Mart stores across this hideous nation are selling copies of Chased by an Elephant, the Gospel Truth about Today's Stampeding Sexuality, a kid's book about defeating one's homosexuality, like the author's son "did."

Congratulations, American readers: cinematic bro blogger Tucker Max's new book debuted at #3 on the New York Times bestseller list. Since it's called Assholes Finish First, we can still laugh at him. But it's a sort of hollow, depressed laugh.

Once again, an American writer did not win the Nobel Prize in literature. Some weirdo Peruvian named Mario Vargas Llosa, who wrote like definitive chronicles of military dictatorships or whatever, won the damn thing. Next year, Jodi Picoult. Next year.

We're sure that Jersey Shore's Snooki, the greatest literary mind of her generation, needs no help writing her upcoming novel A Shore Thing!, but still we charged you with penning the first page of her book. Your submissions were genius.

Oprah Winfrey's final season started with a screaming women-filled bang (here), and the surprises keep coming: on today's show, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling revealed that she may not be done with the series. Fanboys and fangirls, rejoice! Video inside.

The greatest literary mind of her generation, Jersey Shore's Snooki, is set to publish her first novel next year. Audition to be her ghostwriter by penning the first page of her novel! You could win a fun prize.

If the Association for the Betterment of Sex were real, it would have been sued into oblivion long ago. I'm not particularly litigious, but after reading the organization's Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk, I'd get in on the class action.

One of the great literary minds of her generation, Jersey Shore's Snooki, will publish her first novel next January. A Shore Thing! is sure to be a keenly observed bildungsroman about a girl looking for love on the boardwalk.

In your explosive Wednesday media column: a new book will re-ignite the Danish Muhammad cartoon controversy, Tom Florio goes to IMG, the WSJ celebrates itself, Lucky is coming for your kids, and everyone hates the media, still.

Oh fucking snap bros, drop everything and rush down to the Borders on Wall Street, where Tucker Max is just finishing a book signing! His new book comes out today! Send pics! Send reviews! Send medication! It's on again! Damn.

Jonathan Lethem, the author of such Brooklyn-centric novels as Motherless Brooklyn and Fortress of Solitude, is leaving Brooklyn for California.

Jennifer Senior has landed a book deal from her recent New York magazine story on "Why parents hate parenting" (Spoiler: because kids suck). Could this be the start of an anti-parenting cultural backlash? Let's hope so! [GalleyCat]

Jaycee Dugard has sold a memoir about her 18 years in captivity with depraved sex maniac Phillip Garrido. By coincidence, Natascha Kampusch—the Austrian girl who escaped from a sex dungeon at age eighteen—just sold a memoir, too.

It's so easy to sell shiny America crap to angry conservatives these days. Now the New York publishing world is formally cashing in, as HarperCollins is starting a new conservative imprint, "Broadside Books." Punchy?

Real Housewife of New Jersey and cookbook author Teresa Giudice landed a cookbook deal with Running Press for FABULICIOUS!: The Italian Family Cookbook, according to Publishers Marketplace. It is to feature "easy, budget-friendly recipes that will please the whole family."

The Pentagon held a book burning last week, destroying 9,500 copies of this memoir.

Adequate rapper Jay-Z has a book coming out. By Jay-Z. It's called DECODED. This book "decodes 36 songs from JAY-Z's extensive catalog." Great, since Jay-Z's lyrics are hard to interpret. "Get that dirt off your shoulder." What dirt?

Washington's top suck-up access journalist, Bob Woodward, is releasing his first book about the Obama presidency, Obama's Wars, next week. What terrible Beltway gossip will it contain? For starters: Watch out when David Petraeus starts drinking wine, yowza!

For decades, tormented alcoholics have taken comfort in the clear, soul-penetrating language of AA's "Big Book," which serves as a guide down the path to sobriety. Now they're publishing the original manuscript, with all the edits. Confusion ahoy, alcoholics!