• Oh thank God, Brandon Davis is fucked up again. The drunken oil heir climbed on stage at a Miami club and told the crowd he'd written a special new song called "Firecrotch," just for Lindsay Lohan. Hope it's a B-side on Paris Hilton's single. [Page Six]
• Britney Spears to name her second child "Accident." That is, at least until the poor thing gets eaten by K-Fed's pet sharks. [Scoop]
• Jessica Simpson fires her agent after the poor soul dared to get in a fight with her father, Joe Simpson. [Us Weekly]
• This one's a stretch, but: Christie Brinkley's estranged, philandering husband Peter Cook is such a bad man, his son had to miss a Little League game. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern couldn't attend the funeral for his producer's father because girlfriend Beth Ostrosky broke her ankle. Whore. [R&M (2nd item)]

• Daddy stalks best: In the seven months between Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's separation, dad Joe Simpson was keeping a close eye on Nick, asking clubs for security footage from when Nick was present with Vanessa Minnillo and CaCee Cobb. [Gatecrasher]
• Meanwhile, faux-troubled Entertainment Tonight hostess Minnillo pisses off her neighbors by dating the paparazzi and Nick Lachey; fellow co-op residents much preferred ex-boyfriend Derek Jeter, whose autograph was actually worth something. [Page Six]
• Christie Brinkley leaves 4th husband Peter Cook after learning that he's been banging a 19-year-old assistant at his architecture firm — the ultimate blow to an aging supermodel's self-esteem. [NYDN]
• Rapper claims that her former assistant who is charging her with abuse and harassment is a liar; the woman, Rasheeda Ellis, lied about references and tried to leak Brown's personal emails to two gossip reporters. Come to think of it, Lloyd Grove does seem to write quite a bit about Foxy. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis enter the "friends with privileges" stage. We can't think of two people who deserve each other's herpes more. [TMZ]
• Did you hear about those two drunks at Soho House? [Lowdown]

• Disneyland stays open until midnight for Lindsay Lohan, so that Mickey might get high from her special secondhand smoke. On the darkened riverboat cruise that concluded her evening, Lohan made the happiest place on earth a little more so by blowing rails of Tinkerbell's fairy dust. [MiceAge]
• Diddy now asks that you refer to him as Puff. And if you openly mock him, you can expect the support of onlookers and pedicab drivers. [Page Six]
• At a shop in London, a salesgirl refuses to take Naomi Campbell's credit card; the girl apparently didn't believe it was actually Campbell making the purchase. Campbell stormed out of the store; salesgirl miraculously escapes unharmed. [Female First]
• Brandon Davis is out of rehab; Los Angeles drug dealers stock up in anticipation. [Gatecrasher (2nd to last)]
• Always on the urban beat, Lloyd Grove reports that rapper Foxy Brown is facing misdemeanor charges of harassing her former assistant with threatening emails. Emails? Whatever happened to the hardcore bitchslap? [Lowdown]
• The good news: drooling virgins will finally be able to see Natalie Portman naked. The bad news: they'll have to sit through an entire Goya biopic. [Page Six]
• Elle MacPherson assumes her role as the lead Hot Tuna. [Bloomberg]

• Brandon Davis checks into Malibu's Passages rehab center, not to be confused with Malibu's Promises rehab center. For $75,000 a month, they'll help Davis treat his addiction to firecrotches and Paris Hilton's coke spoon. [InTouch]
• Unfortunately for Page Six, their top story is that Davis had refused to go. Those damn newspaper deadlines. [Page Six]
• For the first time, Tom Cruise has had a project taken away from him and given to a less crazy movie star by the name of George Clooney. We're still conflicted about Clooney, but he's better than Cap'n Crazyfuck. [Fox411]
• Vince Vaughn's mother invests $25 million into a fraudulent hedge fund. Vince Vaughn invests $25 million into keeping her away from the family bank account. [R&M]
• Kevin Federline has a job — and, unlike the hip-hop gig, this one pays actual money. He's modeling for Blue Marlin clothing, and Britney's so proud that he can sit still for the cameras like a big boy. [Page Six]
• Michael Eisner has no idea where he is, what he's done, or who he's talking to. [Lowdown]
• PETA goes after Beyonce Knowles, interrupting her overpriced omakase at Nobu to interrogate her about the use of fur in her clothing line. TMZ has the video, but it just shows Solange Knowles looking bored out of her mind. [TMZ]

• And the award goes to... People magazine, who won the Getty Images' first pictures of baby Shiloh for a mere $4.1 million. Props to Getty for making them scramble and outbid each other until 6 in the morning. [Page Six]
• While you organize a hunger strike until People publishes the pics, do enjoy the questionable image at right. At any rate, the baby's lips look real. [Dlisted]
• Former ReganBooks slave Bridie Clark pulls a Weisberger and skewers Judith Regan in her forthcoming roman a clef, Because She Can. If the movie looks half as good as Devil Wears Prada, we approve. [Lowdown]
• Crazy Barbara Davis defends her greasy grandson Brandon's comments about Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch, telling people that Lindsay and Brandon are dating now. Not true, says Lohan's rep, but delusional old ladies sure are cute. [Page Six]
• Delusional teen talents are cute, too: Lindsay Lohan drops out her latest project, Bill, because the directors aren't as awesome as Brett Ratner. [IMDb]
• Nicole Kidman schedules her June 25 wedding to Keith Urban for the evening hours, so as to thwart the paparazzi. If she'd just give in and let Getty take some pictures, Nicole could use the money to feed all of Angelina's Namibian leftovers. [Scoop]
• Born-again Christian Stephen Baldwin is irrelevant because the Lord wants it that way. [R&M]
• Elapsed time since Britney and K-Fed were last photographed together: 97 days and counting. [Us Weekly]

• America's first couple, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, may no longer be rolling in the filth of their wedded bliss. Brit's publicist refuses to deny that they've split, and in the court of celebrity trash, silence is an admission of divorce. If the sweet sounds of "Popozao" can't save a marriage, can anything? [Mirror UK]
• After signing a $6 million deal with Miramax Books for her memoirs, Barbara Walters has weaseled her way out of the contract in pursuit of a better deal elsewhere. If Hillary Clinton can get $8 million for her autobiography, then certainly Babs can fetch just as much. The face-lifts aren't going to pay for themselves, you know. [Page Six]
• Having worked for everyone in Hollywood, jailbird P.I. Anthony Pellicano may have worked with Israeli mobsters — a natural climb up the Power Jew ladder. [R&M]
• Brandon Davis issues an official apology to Lindsay Lohan after calling her a firecrotch. He's also "horrified" by that bit about her seven-foot-long clitoris, and considers the freckles coming out of her vagina to be "reprehensible." [Page Six]
• Fox News' Kimberly Guilfoyle is set to marry male socialite Eric Villency in Barbados tomorrow — and just in time, too, as she's 5 months pregnant. We can't have a bastard baby around Murdoch's house. [Lowdown]

• Al Roker continues to amaze the denizens of Philly, revealing that he is, as suspected, a hugger. As is Matt Lauer. Katie Couric? [Insert controversial pause] Sure, guess you could say she's a hugger, too. In fact, the entire staff of the Today show molests one another daily. Except for Ann Curry. No one will touch her. [NBC10]
• So who screamed at Brandon Davis, berating him for revealing Lindsay Lohan's clit length and demanding that he "take a shower"? This girl, that's who. And she's Lindsay's biggest fan, so step the fuck off. [BWE]
• MySpace isn't just for greasy hipsters and perverse predators — it's also for wannabe Playmates. [TMZ]
• Judge a book by its cover. [Book Covers]
• To Do, This Weekend: fuck a sailor, and fuck him good. Then tell everyone you know before realizing what you've done, then go get a STD test. [NY Sun]
• Mike Myers and his hockey stick are thisclose to joining Yonah Schimmel's and ABC No Rio as LES institutions. [Cityrag]
• Seriously, Frank Bruni, could you make us love you any more? Stop it! It's unnatural, this affection! [NYT]
• Meet the Harvard-Yale lovematch from hell. You may feel inferior now, but just wait until they move into their first Park Avenue penthouse and they start throwing crystal vases at one another. [Julia Allison]

• The cameras of TMZ.com never rest: last week they caught Brandon Davis waxing philosophical on the nature of Lindsay Lohan's crotch, this week they document the LA nightlife backlash as a woman screams at him to take a shower and derides him for getting his money "from daddy." As if that's an insult? [TMZ]
• Former New Jersey governor and proud 'mo Jim McGreevy reads excerpts from his new book, an erotic tale of his anonymous rest stop hookups. [Star-Ledger]
• Quote of the day, courtesy of Ghostface Killa: "New York be bullshitting. Right now, I say fuck New York. Yeah, I'm from New York, but fuck New York. Because niggas is pussy." [Prefix]
• In live theater, distracting the actors just might get you backstage, where you can confuse David Schwimmer and piss off Zeljko Ivanek. [BroadwayWorld]
• Life imitates art, at least if you're a Sopranos fan: the body of a man who'd been beaten to death was found behind the Cafe Bada Bing. [NYT]
• As Memorial Day weekend draws near, the four horsemen of the Hamptons apocalypse prepare to open their doors to thousands of devoted Wet Seal fans. [NYM]
• A bird flu awareness night in Newark is marked by a chicken wing eating contest. In Jersey, the jokes just write themselves. [Newark Bears]

• Oil heir Brandon Davis claims to have called Lindsay Lohan and apologized for calling her firecrotch no less than ten times in a video aired last week on TMZ.com. Of course, this development comes via Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, so the only thing we believe thus far is that this whole story reads like a dealer's address book. [Page Six]
• Incoming View-ette Rosie O'Donnell isn't tip-toeing around fading co-host Star Jones. Here's hoping the two share at least one tense, bitchy episode together before Jones is shown the door. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Welcome to the twilight zone: Brian Grazer makes out with Bai Ling; Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Laguna Beach's Talan Torriero. [Gatecrasher]
• Former ER star Alex Kingston claims she was turned down for Felicity Huffman's role on Desperate Housewives because she was too "curvy." And this is shocking because? [Scoop]
• Ivanka Trump blind item? [R&M (last item)]
• In his divorce from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney is determined to get custody of his 2-year-old daughter Beatrice, if only so he can prove to himself that he can raise at least one daughter who doesn't hate him. [Page Six]

• After Paris Hilton's new BFF Brandon Davis hurled an a-bomb of videotaped insults at Lindsay Lohan (who, if you recall, has freckles coming out of her vagina), Lohan exacts revenge by using her tongue to massage the tonsils of Paris' ex, Starvos Niarchos. [Page Six]
• Now that Couric is leaving the Today show, publishers are hungry for her unauthorized biography. Ed Klein is foaming at the mouth. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, not content to be left in the morning show dust, Diane Sawyer makes a subtle, attorney-driven play for the World News Tonight desk. [Page Six]
• Brett Ratner would love to photograph nude women, particularly Lindsay Lohan's 7-foot-long clitoris. [Lowdown]
• Authorities have decided to prosecute "other" Baldwin brother Daniel on cocaine charges. He faces 18 months in jail and, for once, people knowing his name. [CourtTV]
• Jessica Simpson insists that she didn't fire her best friend/assistant CaCee Cobb. She fired a two-timing skank who wouldn't stop being friendly with Nick Lachey. [IMDb]

• Oil heir Brandon Davis isn't taking too well to being dumped by The O.C. star Mischa Barton. Apparently he's down in Tijuana, passed out in an alley from taking too many sleeping pills and tequila shots. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Tom Cruise has Scientology, Madonna has Kabbalah, and now director David Lynch has transcedental meditation. Finally, Lynch is normal, if only by default. [Page Six]
• Jude Law continues to beg for his fiancée Sienna Miller's forgiveness, but she's not wearing her ring. If we were the supportive types, we'd be shouting something along the lines of, "You go, girl!" But we're not, so we won't. [R&M]
• Al Pacino, Rose McGowan, vomit, rinse, repeat. [Page Six]