Life is so boring when you're a bazillionaire. Or so it seems for Oily Davis and Scott Storch, according to our stalker.

• Having lost his criminal case, famed spin-class grunter Stuart Sugarman sued Christopher Carter, who manhandled his stationary bike, in civil court. He also sued his gym, Equinox. [Daily News]

• Actor/NRA man Charlton Heston's hands grew cold, dead.

I hate TMZ, truly, I do. But I hate pudgy rich homicide-victim-in-waiting Brandon Davis even more. So here's the sniveling little shit dropping the N-bomb.

• Britney Spears can't have nice things because men will take them from her. Yesterday her dad got permission from a judge to sell off at least some of the singer's cars, and it emerged that former hanger-on Sam Lutfi allegedly intercepted "hundreds of thousands of dollars worth" of jewelry, fur coats and other luxury items intended for Spears.

Another day, another beauty splits up with legendary duck-faced serial dater Zach Braff. Seems Shiri Appleby, like her predecessors Drew Barrymore, Mandy Moore and Kirsten Dunst, just wasn't up to Zach's inexplicably high standards. It's embarrassing to admit, but we've always embarrassingly found the Scrubs star kinda charming in a college boyfriend who makes you laugh kind of way, but then again, we're mere mortals. So why do actresses like Shiri and Drew fall head-over-heels for this guy? Still, Zach is hardly the only aesthetically-challenged male star notching hottie after hottie on their (rarely worn) belts. We select our picks for the top five improbably lucky swordsmen in Hollywood after the jump.

This week Village Voice columnist and flip-flop with socks wearer Michael Musto recreated Lindsay Lohan's recreation of Marilyn Monroe's last photo shoot because nothing says "Pultizer" like drag (Does it count as drag if you're naked? -ed). A small point that might have gotten overlooked as you held in your vomit: Musto's ass has "Fire Crotch" airbrushed in. Hey, Musto, you owe Brandon Davis a nickel. [La Daily Musto]

Is international asshole and oil heir Brandon Davis broke? He's been bumming money off friends and asking strangers to buy him drinks. But this is the same international asshole and oil heir who was detained at Syndney International airport in January for carrying too much cash around. Rumors of Davis getting cut off have been going around since July, but maybe he just forgot to deposit his allowance this month. Rich people don't understand that regular people don't casually lend out thousands of dollars (unless you are trying to buy an over-valued home). Perhaps he's just asking for loans and drinks because of the "asshole" bit. The man should be living large off royalties from coining "firecrotch" alone. [P6]

• London tabloid Daily Mail snickered at Kate Moss' bony knees during Moss' night on the town with her rocker boyfriend, but what about the frightening shot of her face at left? The tab writes, under that photo, "Kate's hard-partying ways are beginning to show on the world beauty." Or maybe it's just the tint on the limo glass? [Mail]

• Kevin Federline is dragging Britney Spears back into court because of her erratic driving—she recently ran a red light with the kids in the backseat. [Us Weekly]
  

• Why are Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong parading their PDAs around the town's hotspots? Although! Page Six says they were dining at Waverly Inn together on Tuesday—but the photographic evidence says that Ashley was actually dining with Sting, Slash and Stephen Fry. No Lance shows up in the paparazzi photos. [Page Six, Image: Splash Photos]
  

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith (nice four-some!) are throwing the "Welcome to America" party for Posh and Becks this weekend. "Invitations went out all over Hollywood . . . they were printed on red velvet with tacky gold lettering." [Page Six]
  

• If we have to see naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan in the course of our job duties, we will sue someone. Maybe it'll be this person, who claims that Lindsay confirmed the naked pictures via Gchat. We imagine this is just what Larry Page and Sergey Brin invented Gmail for. Oddest statement ever from publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik: "Anything is possible." Isn't it though? [Page 6]
  

• What makes Brandon Davis's anti-Arab slurred slurs against Paula Abdul (sorta, in an Alanis way) ironic? The fact that he's half-Turkish. Oho! [Gatecrasher]
  

• Brandon Davis, the oil heir who's 'famous' for coining "firecrotch" and for being the ugliest man ever to date Mischa Barton, caused quite a ruckus at Paris Hilton's zillionth 26th birthday party. At one point, he picked up Courtney Love and told her "I want to squirt on you." Horrors. [R&M]
  

• Factory Girl director George Hickenlooper was "forcibly ejected" from oily heir Brandon Davis's hotel room for... not being French or medicated enough? [Transom]
  

For those few Gawker readers who don't have 'em memorized, that's the "admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs" one. And it should come as no surprise, really — we were there, after all, for Step 4 ("Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"): Lindsay inventoried her morals and encouraged us to do the same in her pithy Altman eulogy. And now, Lindsay is running around town apologizing — yesterday, she made up with the strippers who she'd called "whores" and "cunts," and today, according to Page Six, she reached a similar rapprochement with producer Scott Storch, forgiving him for producing "Brandon Davis's 'firecrotch' song" (what??) and, quite possibly, for the crime against humanity he committed by enabling Paris Hilton to record an album. Brava, Linds — only a week into your recovery, and you've come so far! We're looking forward to step 8: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." We're expecting a fruit basket; that crotch shot scarred us for life.

• Lindsay Lohan wants a break from whatever it is that she does for living. [MSNBC]
  

· Come on, you already know the words, so say it with us: "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking cake!"
Paris Hilton and the Wiggles turned out for People Who Amuse Those With The IQ Of A Five-Year-Old Day on the Today Show, inspiring the WOW Report to mash-up both appearances into a single segment.
"Kev-IN! How many times I gotta tell you that after I drop the baby, you can't wash off his head wound in the shark tank?!"
JonBenet Ramsey killer John Mark Karr has a MySpace page. Now why would a guy who likes to prey on children possibly want to hang around on MySpace?
· Finally, a Mel Gibson t-shirt with a pleasing design.
· Sweaty, potty-mouthed oil heir Brandon Davis is still dining out on the "firecrotch" thing. It's probably time for him to move on to slandering pubic hair of a different color and prove he's not just a one-hit wonder.