Welcome to an important new Gawker feature, "Hey, Science," in which we will have our most provocative scientific questions answered by real live scientists (or related experts). Never let it be said that reading this blog is not the educational equivalent of sitting in a Ph.D.-level classroom, not paying attention. This week, experts answer the question: Can we fix the problem of rising sea levels by constructing massive man-made lakes on useless land?

Should it be legal to pay your friend to do your jail sentence for you? Sure, worked for this guy.

Married 43 year-old Navy nuclear submarine commander Michael Ward was having a little affair with a younger woman that he met online. These situations are a bit tricky to navigate, as you can imagine. How did Michael Ward extricate himself from it, when he was ready to end the affair? The old fashioned way: he "sent his mistress an email from a fictitious person named Bob in July, posing as a co-worker and saying that Ward had died unexpectedly."

This year, the Summer Olympics feature three dozen different sports. At least half of them are awful. Instead of hearing all the fans of minor sports complain when you banish them, why not simply fold them into other sports, creating a new, more entertaining sport?

America is in the midst of a student loan bubble. College costs are increasing, student debt is increasing, job prospects are far from assured, and loan delinquency is on the rise. It's a big problem. The best idea for a solution that I've heard in a long time: let people buy into college students. Like little indentured servants, but not really!

This qualifies as a bit of a vague, not totally well-established-in-a-statistical-way trend; but the fact that it exists at all for one single person in America is, I believe, newsworthy. Families are taking out tens of thousands of dollars worth of loans in order to pay for private kindergarten for their whelps. That is some fucked up shit.

"Nice Hair, Claire?" Stop Right There! See Me Reach? Aw Gee, Teach! No More Touchin' While You're Lunchin'! Principal's Principle Deserves Ridicule: No Caresses for Classmate's Tresses! Grinch Puts the Cinch on Friendly Clench. Pity the Itty-Bitty Kiddies. "Cuddle at Home, You Snuggling Gnomes! School Is Where Knowledge Is Grown, Not Your Bone! No More 'Likes,' You Porny Tykes! Tween Wet Dreams Should Remain Unseen. I Know You're Grinding Whilst Intertwining! Don't Be Petting While You're Still Bed-Wetting. Hands to Yourself, You Miscreant Whelps! Doing Drugs? Fine, But No Hugs!"

David Carr's column today is partly about a plan masterminded by Ad Age columnist Simon Dumenco to create, quote, a "Council on Ethical Blogging and Aggregation," which will ostensibly serve as a sort of trade group or (nonbinding) credentialing organization for best practices in the blogosphere. Well-intended, and a bad idea.

This week, Time Inc. announced that it will be closing down its three year-old Maghound service—billed at its launch as "The Netflix of magazines." Seemed like a decent idea at the time. Turned out not to be. The Netflix business model is not as flexible as previously suspected. In reality, a business plan that reads "The Netflix of [anything new]" is a signal to run in the opposite direction.

Oklahoma state senator Jim Wilson has a bright idea about how to raise $17 million for his state: put a sales tax back on newspapers and periodicals. Because levying taxes on an industry locked in an economic death spiral is always a good way... destroy that industry more quickly. Also a good way to get a newspaper to stop talking bad about a certain politician who may have an important vote on the state's tax policy. Everybody wins!

Like us, all of you out there have been transfixed, anxiously refreshing your computer screens all morning since rascally blog "mini mogul" and master of the female mind Daniel "Dan" Abrams tweeted, "Some exciting news coming from Abrams Media in the next hour or so. . . stay tuned."

Let's all read this one together, in unison: "We don't mean to brag, but we've been Occupying Wall Street for 227 years."- BNY Mellon, in ad that a WSJ reporter photographed at last Friday's Financial Follies, the super hilarious funny night of things that people who work in and cover finance think are hilarious. "Headquartered in New York, BNY Mellon has $25.9 trillion in assets under custody or administration and $1.2 trillion under management"

Last month we told you about this brilliant, cutting-edge, edgy, ahead of the edge, razor's edge ad out of France for some "unbreakable" eyeglass frames. We gently noted that every last bit of information about who made the ad and where they would be during business hours every day was easily accessible online, should the Hells Angels be interested in those facts. Not that they would, what with their legendary sense of humor!

The Washington Post, having suffered years of cutbacks and foreign bureau closings, has now consolidated all of its remaining resources on its Peabody award-winning Hipness Desk. The paper's tireless hipness correspondents spend day and night fanned out across the metropolitan region in search of the elusive young, hip vibe that, according to legend, haunts the DC area.

The neat thing about this ad is that even though the model guy and his creative team were probably like "We're in France, whatever," it's just as easy to find the names of everyone involved in creating this ad and where they work as it would be to send that information directly to the Hells Angels chapter in Paris.

"Queen of Spades," eh? Maybe the folks in Belgrade aren't familiar with the implications of the term "spade"—but, as Copyranter points out, their multinational ad agency must be.

What's new "on campus" these days? Guns! Guns, guns, guns. The college experience is no longer considered complete without a firearm to accompany you all over campus. Don't be a victim—of enemies of the Second Amendment!

Earlier this week, the University of New Hampshire announced that it would be banning the sale of energy drinks on campus, in order to "keep its students safe." From energy, presumably. Shortest-lived dumb college banning ever!

Perhaps you thought your freshman year would be one long debauchery festival featuring a few term papers here and there interspersed with copious amounts of alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, hashish, hash oil, opium, ketamine, cocaine, GHB, DMT, DXM, LSD, salvia, amphetamine, methamphetamine, nitrous oxide, ayahuasca, ibogaine, peyote, and various distillations of regional hallucinogenic plants.

Hey, why didn't anyone ever think of this before? Instead of just allowing gang members to go places and do things, tell them they can't go places and do things. Places are only for good people! Gang problem= solved!