[That's ol' Britney Spears performing on TV this morning; image via WENN]

♦ Sue Torres is leaving her post Los Dados to spend more time at Sueños, her restaurant in Chelsea. [NYT]
♦ Photos of David Burke's Fishtail, which opened last night. [Eater]
♦ Anita Lo plans to close Bar Q for a few days so she can reopen it with a more finger-food-friendly menu. [GS]
♦ Susanne Bartsch is moving the weekly party she used to throw at Happy Valley to Greenhouse and calling it Vandam. [GS]
♦ The Upper West Side's Neptune Room is now closed. [Eater]
♦ You can celebrate Britney's birthday at Tenjune tonight, if you wish. [DBTH]

It seemed like a good idea at the time, we suppose: Sneak celebrities' medical records to the National Enquirer, collect $4,700 and quietly go back to your day job knowing you helped a venerable journalistic institution uphold its mission of transparency and insight into the fraught conditions of Britney Spears, Farrah Fawcett and others. But that was then, and this — a guilty plea and a possible 10-year prison sentence for tabloid source Lawanda Jackson — is now.

Erin Callan has had a tumultuous year, hasn't she? The former star at Lehman Bros can sit back and relax today. Not only has she landed on her feet (unlike so many of her former colleagues), it's also her 43rd birthday. Others celebrating: Stone Phillips is 54. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is turning 69. Real estate marketing queen Louise Sunshine is 68. Nelly Furtado is 30. Nate Mendel of the Foo Fighters is 40. Monica Seles is turning 35. Lucy Liu is 40. And Ms. Britney Spears—you've heard of her, haven't you?—is celebrating her 27th birthday today.

After weeks of doling out clips to a Cheeto-starved global audience, MTV finally aired the paparazzi cautionary tale entitled Britney: For the Record last night. "No topic was off limits," boasted the introductory crawl. "No question went unanswered." And no follow-up question went asked! Thus, we left the special with almost as many concerns as we had going in, including:

I watched two documentaries last night. The first was Frontline's famous 2001 essay "The Merchants of Cool," about the big, cynical business of marketing to young ones. It particularly focuses on MTV and how they, with definitively ugly success, figured out a way to throw advertising at kids without the kids really noticing. Then I watched that network's unveiling of Britney: For the Record, a supposed "tell-all" featuring Britney Spears, the smeared and unfocused pop star, that was, in my opinion, the acme (or nadir, not sure which) of this sneakily integrated marketing strategy. Here was not just the party, not the curious almost-normalness of Ms. Spears, not her childish funny voices, not even just her well-guarded children. No, here was something deeply sad—a bit haunting, a bit evocative—but nonetheless blatantly selling a new album and some chintzy perfumes. It was an infomercial asking us to, in some ways, buy a wayward young person. It was strange and vaguely interesting and I'll talk a bit more about it after the jump.

David Beckham walking around town with his sons on Saturday morning and later joining up with Victoria to take them to see Jersey Boys ... Agyness Deyn and Albert Hammond Jr. walking their dog and drinking coffee ... Britney Spears arriving at JFK yesterday ... The Jonas Brothers signing autographs outside their hotel ... Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes buying candy at the M&M's store in Times Square with Suri and Isabella ... Natalie Portman filming scenes for her new movie ... Hillary and Chelsea Clinton leaving Billy Elliot on Broadway ... Taylor Momsen standing on the Gossip Girl set ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts walking downtown with cups of coffee in hand ... Miley Cyrus arriving at her hotel, accompanied by her mom and boyfriend, Justin Gaston ... and Tyra Banks leaving dinner with boyfriend John Utendahl.

[The pop sensation leaving a taping of The X Factor, Britain's American Idol; image via INF]

Here at Defamer HQ, we'd agreed that no recent video packed so many delightful moments into so short a time as Stephen Colbert's rendition of "Peace, Love, and Understanding (f. Feist, Toby Keith, and a bear)," and then, a challenger emerged! Sure, there was lots of talk this morning about yesterday's Britney Spears performance at the German ceremony known as the Bambi Awards, but precious little of that discussion centered on Spears accepting her award from eccentric designer Karl Lagerfeld. We're at a loss to pick our favorite moment: is it Lagerfeld telling Britney, "[You are] coming back not only as a phoenix, but as a bird of paradise"? Is it Britney's "Y'all, double-u-tee-eff?" reaction? Or is it the random cutaway to a totally confused Meg Ryan? You be the judge — the clip is after the jump:

[National treasure Britney Spears accepting the Best International Pop Star trophy at Germany's Bambi Media Awards yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

♦ It's the question that has been keeping you up for days now: Where is Alex Rodriguez going to spend Thanksgiving? First it was reported that A-Rod planned to stay in New York. Now People now says he plans to have dinner with his ex-wife and their two kids in Florida. But Madonna is on the scene, too! Maybe in the spirit of the holiday, they'll all just join together and be thankful for what they have? Kidding! [People, TMZ]
♦ The parents of Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are broke, apparently. [P6]
♦ Did Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really get married in Mexico or was it just an elaborate publicity stunt? [AP]

Rolling Stone just alternates Barack Obama and Britney Spears covers anyway, so its a testament to Jann Wenner's genius that he's discovered he no longer has to even change the coverline. Yes She Can! Save a shrinking music/lifestyle mag and expose her toned midriff without embarrassment! (What's next, the Obamas on the cover of Us Weekly? Hah, that'll be the day!) [Idoltaor]

Yes, that's Britney Spears on the cover of Rolling Stone, with the least exposed flesh she's ever shown on the cover of that magazine. Her interview inside is similarly unrevealing, mostly recounting Britney's dating travails (of one beau, Britney said she was "trying to ask him questions, like, 'OK, you're into martial arts, so what kind of martial arts are you into?' And he was like, 'Oh, all kinds'"), though she does take the time to tweak Kevin Federline's skills as a father. It may not surprise you, reader, to learn that K-Fed's kick game is far superior to his parenting:

♦ Alex Rodriguez won't be eating turkey with his tots. His estranged wife Cynthia says her "6-foot-3, 220-pound soul-less, soon-to-be ex-husband is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna." [P6]
♦ Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital after yet another "reaction to a medication." [NYDN]
♦ Ann Coulter broke her jaw. And now her mouth has been wired shut! [P6]
♦ Kate Moss was spotted leaving a party with "some mysterious scratches on her cheek." [Daily Mail]
♦ Fashion designer Stacey Bendet and her husband, the son of former Disney CEO Michael Eisner, had a baby. [P6]

New Frontiers in Tortured Ledes! This week's award for "worst first sentence" goes to TMZ, which began a Britney Spears story with this uniquely overwritten, not exactly timely lede: "Britney Spears wants daddy Jamie to become more like Barack Obama, and forget the words, 'No You Can't!'" We'd like to forget too, TMZ. Thanks for playing! [TMZ]

♦ Guy Ritchie and Madonna's marriage came to an official end in the High Court of London courtroom this morning. Neither "Ciccone ML" or "Ritchie GS" actually showed up in person for the proceedings, but Madonna had drinks with ex-husband Sean Penn on Wednesday night, possibly as part of an early celebration. [People, The Sun, P6]
♦ The longest pregnancy in history is finally over: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz welcomed a son named Bronx Mowgli Wentz into the world last night. Yes, that's Bronx Mowgli. [People]
♦ According to The Sun, Michael Jackson has converted to Islam and has changed his name to "Mikaeel." [The Sun]

Now that a sober, nicely-weaved Britney Spears has had time to peruse her own Wikipedia entry, she's finally coming to grips with the things she barely remembers doing in a misty haze of Red Bull, Benzos, and Hot Pocket chicken fajitas. "What the hell was I thinking?" she once asked, and now, in a new clip from Britney: For the Record, she applies that question to her short-lived marriage to Kevin Federline. Sadly, in news that will surely dash hopes of a reconciliation, she admits that both Federline and his kick game were ridiculous. "I think I married for all the wrong reasons," she says. "I just did it because...for just, like, the idea of everything." Let this be a lesson: even though the fantasy of two souls exchanging vows in customized Juicy Couture "pimp" sweatpants is compelling, it's no reason to be hasty. Clip after the jump!

♦ The Ashley Dupre press bonanza begins: In her first print interview with People, which hits newsstands on Friday (the same day she'll appear on 20/20), Dupre says she's just a "normal girl" who has "a lot of depth," and that she feels sorry for Silda Spitzer, but doesn't blame herself for Eliot's downfall. [People, NYP]
♦ Are Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin splitting up? The two have spent very little time together since this summer, and now she's become "very good friends" with Fontainebleau hotel owner Jeff Soffer. Gwynnie reportedly spent time with Soffer (and his Bentley and yacht) this past weekend in Miami. [P6]
♦ Britney Spears is supposedly dating a 27-year-old model named Marco D'Angelo who she met through friends in Las Vegas. [Star]
♦ It looks like Anne Hathaway is attracted to lovable losers, since people who know her new boyfriend, actor Adam Shulman, say he's an "opportunist" who "went after all the heiresses" when he was a student at Brown. [P6]

It's rare that a stage-managed pop star can break free of her chains, but all of America bore witness to a time in Britney Spears's life when a gum-smacking "Y'all!" became a Klonopin-chomping "Y'allllllll." Now, Spears appears to be back on the wagon and of sound mind, body, and hair, but she confesses in the new documentary Britney: For the Record that she almost prefers the bald ol' days:

• Nearly three years ago, Lindsay Lohan scrawled "Scarlett [Johansson] is a bloody cunt" on a bathroom wall at the Dark Room on the Lower East Side. Allure finally asked Johansson about the incident: "I don't know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar—I mean, shockingly so, like 'Whoa, what, who are you?'"