• Now that we're certain British crackhead Pete Doherty is a real person, we can fully appreciate his latest arrest for car theft. Oh, don't worry — he was charged with possession, too. He wouldn't drop the ball and let you down like that. [BBC]
• Funny how a handful of the featured artists at the Whitney Biennial are with or have shown at the Perry Rubenstein Gallery. Funny how Sylvia Chivaratanond, who works at the gallery, is partners with Biennial co-curator Philippe Vergne. [Anonymous Female Artist]
• Think about it: You've lost your home, your city, perhaps even your loved ones. The last thing a Katrina victim wants is an afternoon shopping with Britney Spears. [AP]
• There is no line between a normal New Yorker and an actual bad person. They're one in the same, you fucking twit. Now move. [Logged Hours]
• Stars nowadays suck. [Ad Age]
• Bad news for Broadway, as casting for the musical version of Legally Blonde is requesting "Abercrombie & Fitch fraternity and sorority types." [NewYorkology]
• Life ain't easy when you're Mark the Cobrasnake. You have to, like, wear visors and stuff, even when you don't feel like it. [Vulture Droppings]
• More headline laziness. Why not be creative? We're thinking more like "Mrs. Smith Sucks Off Washington." [Gilded Moose]

As if you wanted to know, Star Jones Reynolds divulges her thoughts on the most romantic Broadway song ever:

Yesterday, Cindy Adams got her act together and gave us some decent gossip about a man or woman dubbed "Jan," who's a broadway star with a cocaine addiction on the verge of exploding. Knowing fully well that one of you probably was involved with getting Jan hooked, we asked for your guesses as to Jan's identity.

Today is something truly special, folks — Cindy Adams' yorkie-gossip column is actually worth reading! She writes of a person on Broadway, who she dubs "Jan" so we won't know whether the person is male or female. And, of course, Jan has a problem:

• Most recently in the ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan's battle with retardation, the starlet reportedly slipped on some stairs while carrying a ceramic teacup, which shattered and cut her leg. Interestingly enough, this all went down at Bryan Adams' house. WTF? Is her next asthma attack going to be at Richard Marx's pool party? [CNN]
• More on Kate Moss' grilling with Scotland Yard: She wore black pants! [R&M]
• Shame on you, Lloyd Grove! "Dance: Ten; Looks: Three" is NOT, as you say, a Sondheim classic. If you want to survive in this town, you better fag it up and learn that that A Chorus Line is the work of Marvin Hamlisch. [Lowdown]
• British socialite and Jimmy Choo designer Tamara Mellon hooks up with Kid Rock, though we're not sure how her stilettos will go over during Michigan's hunting season. [Page Six]
• Jodie Sweetin, meth, blah blah blah. What ever happened to predictability? [GMA]

In wake of the early Tuesday execution of Crips founder Tookie Williams, Slate explores a question we're sure has been deeply troubling its overeducated bobo lefty readers: How exactly does one go about starting a gang?

• Dave Eggers and Isaac Mizrahi: separated at birth? [Radar]
• If you're going to attempt to make your own Hot Toddy, you better do it right. The Webtender allows you to search a database and prevent any throat-burning fuck-ups. [Lifehacker]
• Gay "it boy" designer Zac Posen may not make clothes for fatties, but if you're a pregnant supermodel, he might be willing to help you out. [WWD]
• She may not be able to lure Lindsay Lohan onto her show, but Kelly Ripa can wheel and deal her way to the top of Manhattan's real estate pile. Homegirl's busy, yo. [Curbed]
• Dear Prudence: If my boyfriend's dad calls me a "bitch," does that mean I have to make him dinner and get his slippers, too? [Slate]
• Happy Something-or-Another to CNN, who celebrates its 1000th day in Iraq. Gosh, it seems like just yesterday that we first saw military light a reporter's face with that beautiful, fiery glow. [What's Happening at CNN]
• David Schwimmer is slated to star in the Broadway revival of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial. Sadly, there will be no monkey, no Rachel, and no interest. [Reuters]
• And, last but certainly not least, today marks the 25th anniversary of the murder of John Lennon. Commemorate in your own special way, be it listening to Imagine, cursing Yoko, or taking LSD. [CBS]

Most of the time we agree that celebrities are self-involved assholes, , that they typically treat reporter-types like shit, that they want the media's attention when it helps them but then, hypocritically, bitch about that attention when it's no longer useful. But every now and then we read an account from the red carpet, and we — at least for a moment — feel the celebs' pain. Blogger The Reeler tells a tale from last night's premiere for the latest incarnation of The Producers:

Take a moment, please, to behold the glory of today's New York Post, which declares the possibility Britney Spears starring in Broadway's Sweet Charity to be front-page "news."

Thoughts on two consecutive nights of Broadway theater:

• Madonna continues to dominate the Gay circuit with talk of Broadway. She claims to have material for a musical, the very thought of which could cause Chelsea to spontaneously combust. Go slowly, Madge. [Scoop]
• When thugular rapper 50 Cent was shot 9 times, the incident gave him the necessary street cred. But if the shooter was nicknamed "Hommo," does that render all cred moot? [Page Six]
• Nicky Hilton, Kimberly Stewart, and Bijou Phillips brave Hurricane Wilma to attend the opening of an envelope in South Beach. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• The National Enquirer finally dumps Anna Nicole Smith's attempt at a column, presumably because it was utterly incoherent save for the pictures of her dog. [Page Six]
• Like all reality show winners, the Apprentice's Kendra Todd has an engorged sense of self-importance. Made in her mentor's likeness, we suppose. [Lowdown]