As if they aren't inherently bad enough, my recent Mondays have been exceptionally unpleasant. Three Mondays ago, I spent my night interviewing shady and unengaged drag queen contestants of the most recent season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Two Mondays ago, I was shoehorned into a sceney party thrown by a sceney magazine featuring loud, unblended music and a limited spread of mean-making alcohol. But my least pleasant Monday night of recent memory was this past one, when I spent over two hours in a theater getting my eardrums violated by Peter Berg's film adaptation of a board game.

Here's a trailer for Battleship, a movie based on the classic board game, but really in name only. This thing, directed by Peter Berg of all people, actually seems based on something more recent.

Another model is making the transition to acting, against all odds. Also today: Two ladies, real ladies, are directing movies, Starz cuts off the head of King Arthur, and Vince Vaughn is going to shock you.

They say cooking is just like a tennis match. Actually, they don't say that, because cooking is nothing like tennis. Except when they make it be like tennis. Then it's nothing but net-jumping disaster.

Here are trailers for the comedies Hall Pass, directed by the once-famous Farrelly brothers and starring Owen Wilson, and Just Go With It, featuring the apotheosis of dumb manhood, Adam Sandler. (And sad, sad Jennifer Aniston!) Yes, folks, men stink.

It's true. Read no further if you don't want a big, gay hunk mystery spoiled. Also today: Some completely gross Battleship casting, a timely Gossip Girl cameo, and an alien-related war brews in Los Angeles.

The Salahis have a party at a gay bar! Bob Barker is scared of pregnant women. Teresa Giudice is selling her suit of armor. Taylor Momsen screwed a priest (just kidding). Sunday's Gossip Roundup is toad-ally frog-some.

While doing a shoot with model Brooklyn Decker, photographer Markus Klinko decided to snap a few photos of one of his many love interests, interrupting the shoot and seriously irritating ex-girlfriend and business partner Indrani.

Lady Gaga wasn't born with ambiguous genitals, but with lupus. Lindsay Lohan goes to court today, and prepared by giving an interview on YouTube. Rihanna wants to adopt. Romance on the set of Glee? Just another manic Monday gossip roundup.

Katie Holmes leaving a Starbucks yesterday morning and later taking Suri out to lunch ... Sandra Bullock shopping at FAO Schwarz and Henri Bendel ... Kate Bosworth leaving the Bowery Hotel ... Karolina Kurkova walking downtown with her fiance and son ... Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey shooting a commercial in Central Park ... Naomi Watts pushing her sons in a stroller ... Brooklyn Decker walking into the Late Show studios ... Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz arriving at JFK ... Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi smooching her boyfriend at LaGuardia ... and Keanu Reeves trying his best to avoid photographers outside the Bowery Hotel.

• Alex Rodriguez's plan to bed every woman in Hollywood continues apace. The Yankee and Cameron Diaz are now hooking up, according to OK!, although now that the news is out, he's probably already moved on to someone new. Which is too bad, really, since RodDiaz has a nice ring to it. [OK!]
• Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, was charged with involuntary manslaughter yesterday. (He pleaded not guilty and faces up to four years behind bars if convicted.) At the arraignment, prosecutors asked that Murray's medical license be revoked, but a judge turned down the request, so if you've been wondering what it's like to get pumped up with propofol, you still have time. [NYP, TMZ]
• It's been a busy week for Angelina Jolie. Yesterday she and Brad Pitt said they plan to sue Britain's News of the World for reporting that they're planning to divorce. And today she's off to Haiti to meet with earthquake victims, since they've been requesting her help—or so she says. [Us, PE]
• She may have spent every episode of Jersey Shore whining about not having a boyfriend, but Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi seems to have landed the man of her dreams: a "typical guido juicehead with a good personality," who also has waxed eyebrows, double-pierced ears, and a penchant for Ed Hardy. [NYDN]
• Despite recent reports that Donald and Melania Trump are having marriage troubles, The Donald says "all is well." Then again he said the same thing when his casinos were going bankrupt and his real estate holdings were imploding, so you may want to take his denial with a grain of salt. [People]

Due to an unfortunate incident involving talking shit about Ingrid Casares, we were unable to watch last night's episode of The City. Thankfully we were able to piece together the action with some dispatches from our favorite roving social reporter.

• The Lohan family drama goes on. Another recorded phone call has been released and this one features Dina Lohan telling Lindsay's father Michael that their daughter once punched her and kicked her out of the car. Naturally, LiLo quickly responded on Twitter and called her father a whole bunch of names. And now Papa Lohan has countered by promising to release even more tapes in the days to come. So, no, this saga is not even close to over. [P6, People]
• Alec Baldwin says he has "a great ass." Please make a note of it. [Us]
• Paul Johnson-Calderon, the bow tie-wearing social gay set to appear on Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show, is in trouble again. He was caught on tape snatching purses on the LES earlier this year; now he's been caught on camera vandalizing a friend's Union Square apartment building. Calderon's defense? "It's not like rock stars don't vandalize hotel rooms and such all the time." Yes, but you're not a rock star, buddy. [P6]

Dina Lohan recounts corporal punishment at her daughter's hands, Tom Cruise converses with doorknobs, and footage of Joanna Krupa at Snoop Dogg's Girls Gone Wild party surfaces. Come, stroke the supple hide of Friday's gossip.

Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker grabbing coffee in the West Village ... Kate Hudson leaving her apartment building ... Ethan Hawke walking downtown with wife Ryan and their daughter Clementine ... Andre Agassi leaving his hotel ... Whitney Port walking in SoHo ... actor Paul Wesley arriving at WPIX's studios in Midtown ... Mischa Barton arriving at her hotel in a cab, and later eating lunch outside in the Village with a friend ... Michelle Williams walking to a coffee shop with daughter Matilda ... Rumer Willis leaving her hotel ... and Ed Westwick going to dinner with Jessica Szohr at Lure Fishbar in SoHo.

Martha Stewart turns 68 today. Tom Brady, the Patriots quarterback and father of Gisele Bundchen's fetus, is turning 32. Martin Sheen is 69. Tony Bennett is turning 83. Model Evangeline Lilly turns 30. Art-collecting heir Adam Lindemann is turning 48. Model Brooklyn Decker is 22. Sen. Roland Burris is turning 72. Mamie Gummer, an actress and the daughter of Meryl Streep, is 26. Actor Isaiah Washington is turning 46. And Salt-N-Pepa's DJ Spinderella turns 38 today.

Kiefer Sutherland eating dinner with girlfriend Siobhan Bonnouvrier at Wallse on West 11th ... Mickey Rourke leaving a West Village townhouse ... Calista Flockhart standing with son Liam outside FAO Schwarz on Fifth Avenue ... Kate Hudson cheering for Alex Rodriguez at a Yankees game ... Blake Lively and Penn Badgley crossing East 54th Street ... Jennifer Aniston sitting in a car with Gerard Butler on the set of The Bounty in Queens ... Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker shopping at the Apple store in SoHo ... and Robert Pattinson shooting scenes for Remember Me outside Regis High School on the Upper East Side.

• You didn't think Eliot Spitzer was planning to stay out of the spotlight forever, did you? Rumor has it the disgraced ex-governor is hoping to get his old job back as attorney general once Andrew Cuomo runs for governor in 2010. [P6]
• Mel Gibson and his wife Robyn have filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage, reportedly because Mel has been involved with a Russian singer named Oksana Kolesnikova. [NYP, OK!]
• Madonna's PR offensive continues: Not only is she hoping to win hearts and minds in Malawi by releasing pics of herself holding baby Mercy in her arms, she also has had her former nanny talking up her parenting skills to any reporter willing to listen. [DM, MSNBC]
• Uh oh! Rumor has it Gwyneth Paltrow is planning to spawn again. [Sun]