Lady Gaga wasn't born with ambiguous genitals, but with lupus. Lindsay Lohan goes to court today, and prepared by giving an interview on YouTube. Rihanna wants to adopt. Romance on the set of Glee? Just another manic Monday gossip roundup.

  • Now that she's vanquished her penis rumor, Lady Gaga would like to replace it with a rumor about a crippling, incurable disease: Lupus, the thing it never is on House. During an interview, the Lady of Gah mentioned off-handedly, "I have heart palpitations and... things," then added that she was "very connected to my aunt, Joanne, who died of lupus. It's a very personal thing. I don't want my fans to be worried about me." I am getting sick of this lady.

  • Her eyes are very wide.

  • "Lupus. That's genetic, isn't it?" I ask.

  • "Yes."

  • "And have you been tested?"

  • Again, the eyes are very wide and steady. "Yes." Pause. "But I don't want anyone to be worried."

  • "When was the last time you called the emergency services?" I ask.

  • "The other day," Gaga says, still talking very carefully. "In Tokyo. I was having trouble breathing. I had a little oxygen, then I went on stage. I was OK. But like I say, I don't want anyone to worry."

  • Playing hide-and-seek with an obscure medical crisis? Who does she think she is, Bret Michaels? [LondonTimes, NYDN, image via Splash]
  • Speaking of Bret Michaels: He recovered just enough from his brain hemorrhage, stroke, and hole in his heart to win Celebrity Apprentice in its live finale last night. Even runner-up Holly Robinson Peete's son was cheering for Bret. [NYDN]
  • When Rihanna has kids, she's going to adopt because "I'm really scared o the actual childbirth situation." I feel you, RiRi. [Gatecrasher, third item]
  • Today Lindsay Lohan will appear in court, and will be outfitted with a booze-sniffing SCRAM ankle bracelet. Also, she gave a pensive video interview saying she doesn't need prison or rehab. This has been your daily update on the crumbling world of LiLo. [TMZ, Radar]

  • Some lady tried to set Mario Cantone up with a female date. The loudest gay man in the world squawked his response: "Lady, do you live in a cave?" [P6]
  • The two hottest people in Glee are maybe-hopefully dating each other! Mark Salling, who plays Puck, and Naya Rivera, who plays stonecold Santana, "only had eyes for each other and left before everyone else in their party." Oh, but Mark "was with his representatives and a group of their clients." They're probably shooting an ad for Pac Sun or something. [P6]
  • "Jennifer Aniston, 41, wins battle of the bikinis with younger model Brooklyn Decker, 23." For it is a truth universally acknowledged that any time two women wear bikinis near each other, they are engaged in competition. That said, I'm on team Brooklyn. [DailyMail]
  • As has been widely speculated, Tila Tequila is doing Celebrity Rehab, though "it's unclear what personal demon Tila will try to conquer... but it certainly won't be her addiction to attention." What if it was, though? In the season finale she would finally triumph, and vanish into thin air. [TMZ]
  • Italian designer Domenico Vacca is naming jeans after celebrities, but he's chosen all the wrong ones. Jeremy Piven, Will Ferrell, and Forest Whitaker possess perhaps the three least aspirational male asses in Hollywood. (Unless "the Forest" is made of magical weight loss denim, because that guy's body transformations are nuts. Low-fat sodium-free nuts.) [P6]
  • Melissa Etheridge ex Tammy Lynn Michaels wrote a poem called "No More Censorship for Me": "You withdrew your hands / from family and intimacy / to pluck those strings more." The metaphor is so obscure, I cannot interpret its meaning. [Gatecrasher, second item]
  • Kendra Wilkinson's first sex tape paycheck: $680,000. Forget college. I'm telling all the teengers I meet to invest in night-vision camcorders. [Radar]