Just in case you had any remaining shred of a suspicion that inane Microtrend maker-upper Mark Penn might actually have some worthwhile advice about something, today he touts blogging as a good job opportunity. Ha!

Is it possible that in the midst of a recession, companies are thinking twice about paying outrageous fees for advice from some underling hired by America's most comical Presidential campaign failure, Rudy Giuliani? It's possible.

So the fact that nothing is ever "edited" or "fact-checked" anymore because of "the internet" is so great because of citizen journalism and no gatekeepers etc! But the down side is all the bullshit.

Last year Pepsi spent several hundred million dollars on a new logo. Everyone figured they had just ripped off the Obama logo. But now an internal document from the branding company has surfaced: Breathtaking bullshit.

Listen up, Mary Rambin and all other poor suckers who believe that magical herbal detoxes, fasts, or colonics will somehow "cleanse" your system of "toxins": they don't, okay. So stop buying them. Jesus.

In lieu of national health insurance coverage, America offers easy access to VitaminWater. If you're ailing, simply drink the proper dye-and-micronutrient-containing beverage, and you're good! But now some liberal "public interest" lawsuit threatens it all:

Two months ago, New York magazine staffers were emailing friends seeking ideas about New things for the "All New" issue. Now that issue is here! It's just as totally contrived as you would expect.

Corporate "futurist" and salvia-smoking internet surfer Faith Popcorn is back—from the future! And she's brought predictions, for the benefit of the world. Would you like to know what the magical year 2009 will hold, according to a lady who has somehow convinced companies to pay money to her totally made-up "trend consultancy" for an astounding period of time? Behold the "New Rules of Engagement" for 2009, year of wonder:

At least America's last remaining actually influential film critic is Roger Ebert, and not, like, David Denby. Because Ebert, who can no longer speak due to removal of his cancerous jaw, now just writes crazy mean blogs and reviews and columns, calling out everyone who bugs him. Like Ben Stein, and his stupid anti-evolution movie.

President-elect Obama—allegedly a 'man of the people'—is allegedly buying a fancy $30,000 ring for his fancy wife, allegedly! It was in the trusty Daily Mail, and now it's the top story on Drudge, meaning it is the single most important news story in all the world. Elitist Obama drops 30K on bling for his wife during a recession—and this bling will be made out of rhodium, the world's most expensive metal! This story is almost certainly bullshit, and we will tell you exactly why. [Updates below—we were right]:

The recount in the Minnesota Senate race between asshole comedian Al Franken and regular asshole Norm Coleman is underway! And the campaigns have lawyers standing by to challenge every vote. So Drudge has had this image up all day, with the headline "DRAMA: Franken Is Challenging This Ballot." Yes, bullshit, obviously. The voter intent is clear. On the other hand, the Coleman campaign is challenging this ballot, this ballot, and this ballot. The whole recount system is obviously broken, the well-intentioned voter intent laws are being manipulated by the campaigns, and this nonsense will not be over with by the end of the year. Or, you know, Al Franken is stealing the election, whichever one you want to believe. [MPR via Wonkette]

Haven't we warned you people that Twitter and all of its attendant microtrends are nothing but trouble? That also goes for "the internet" and "bloggers," and especially for "mom bloggers," a particularly virulent and dangerous subset. Corporate America has now learned this lesson the hard way. The outrage of Twitter moms has forced the big bad Motrin corporation to pull its totally innocent ad campaign for aspirin. Power to the people! Detect the horrible offense here for yourself:

"Viral" ad campaigns: everybody's sick of them! What to do? Just think of a more appealing name for them. Because appearance, not reality, is what matters, and if you agree with that you just might have a future in advertising. "Viral" campaigns are now called "Dandelions," because they flutter beautifully across the landscape, sowing their brand messages that will grow into beautiful brand flowers. This, according to a new agency that is perfecting the art of being a smart sellout: The agency is called Dandelion, of course, because why let someone else run off with your awesome viral marketing analogy? And Dandelion is not a vulgar "ad" agency; rather, it is a "brand storyteller." For reals. All your favorites are lining up for some of that sweet marketing budget pie:

Bill Ayers, the former Weather Underground radical kid in the 60s whose relationship with Barack Obama was the single most important issue facing America during the presidential campaign, has finally spoken to the intrepid journalists at Good Morning America (Click to watch a highlight). He kept his mouth shut like a good boy throughout the entire campaign, and now it's time to sell a few books! So Ayers has smartly added a new afterword to his 2001 memoir and reissued it, with this stunning addition: he may have been a "family friend" to Obama, rather than just "a guy in the neighborhood." Grab your guns, patriotic Americans! Ayers told GMA that, yes, he knew Obama from way back, and yes, he was on a board, and all of this is public, and thousands of other Chicagoans knew Obama just as well as he did, and that the entire issue is bullshit, all of which is patently true. Still... It's now clear that Hussein Obama is little more than a Manchurian Candidate who has squirmed his way into the White House only to take direct orders from radical latte-sipping college professor Ayers! Even more clearly, Ayers is a canny businessman for someone so opposed to the capitalist power structure. Instead of selling 35 copies of his book a year to his own students as required reading, he's now poised to sell thousands to various right wing lunatics who will buy it just to "preserve the evidence" of his Obama ties for use in the coming race war. Good for him.

Did you know that at Huffington Post you are now allowed to use your position as a "blogger" to simply run ads for your own craptastic imaginary version of a ripoff consulting business? It's true! Exhibit A-Z is the new column by "Jack Myers," a "Media futurist" and one of the most jargon-talking jargonists that you may ever hope to jargon with! (Actual bio item: "Jack Myers has nearly 3,000 Facebook friends"). Media futurist Jack Myers interfaces with end users of HuffPo by communicating a strategic column-formed digital word item that "originally appeared at JackMyers.com." Okay Jack hit us with some of your forward-facing media marketing advertising knowledge!: Media futurist Jack Myers knows how to make billions of dollars for the media!

Do you know who Faith Popcorn is? If not, consider yourself 2.4% wiser. She's a professional "futurist"—essentially, a lady who's learned how to milk money out of corporate CEOs by telling them about "trends" that she's spotted. Like her spiritual cousins, the "brand consultants," she has created an entire bullshit industry out of thin air, and become rich. Cheers to her. So anyhow, wanna know Faith Popcorn's latest important trend? Yea, it's smoking dope and traveling through space on the internet:

This economic downturn has, surprisingly, not killed the "branding" industry, which exists for the sole purpose of allowing graphic design majors to soak clueless corporate behemoths out of millions of dollars for what amounts to a few tweaks of a computer design template. We salute you, brand consultants! You are the hustlers of a new generation. Pictured is the inanimate, non-dynamic, old Pepsi logo; and after the jump, the "more dynamic and more alive" new logo that Pepsi just rolled out at a cost that will eventually total hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide:

Pittsburgh's KDKA is confirming that Ashley Todd wholly invented the "mugging" and attack by a black guy who carved a "B" on her face because she supports John McCain story. Christ. The college republicans continue their hot streak! "The investigation is continuing as officials determine what charges will be filed." Poor dumb idiot racist kid. [KDKA]

[Update: The hoax has been confirmed.] So poor Ashley Todd, right? She's the woman who says she was mugged in Pittsburgh Wednesday night (the wrong part of the Pittsburgh, with the Italians) by a black man. And the black man became incensed when he saw her McCain bumper sticker, on her car, and he carved a "B" into her cheek. What a terrible story! Oh but the police have re-interviewed Ms. Todd, and now the story is a little bit different, in that the car and bumper sticker part is out. After the jump, the new story of this terrible hate crime, and also, because we are assholes, selections from Ms. Todd's MySpace page! You will not like her very much, we're guessing.

Dear Project For Excellence in Journalism: please just stop. Stop doing these studies or just stop releasing your so-called "empirical" findings to the press. Because Howard Kurtz "reporting" that the press is so mean to John McCain and so nice to Barack Obama all the time is not "excellent journalism." It is more like "the Project for No Context and More Bullshit in Journalism." Christ, PEJ, how does it further excellent journalism, learning this factoid: