"1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!" an unhinged Alex Jones once screamed at a slightly more-hinged Piers Morgan. Jonesies—who've gone all in for Cliven Bundy—love to cite America's founders to defend their gun caresses. Usually, they get it wrong.

America is making a comeback! That's according to David Petraeus, the disgraced former general who really needs a comeback. Also in need of an American comeback: the monster private equity firm that hired Petraeus to write about how America's making a comeback.

Eleven years ago today, we got Krauthammered. Never forget.

Kate Mulgrew, best known as Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager, is the narrator of a new and completely bonkers documentary pushing the theory that the universe is centered around the Earth. The Principle was announced in December, but a new trailer has reignited the "debate" over Geocentrism, along with worries that Mulgrew actually buys into it.

A politics expert explains that because three Secret Service agents got drunk in Amsterdam, President Obama now faces "the worst thing that can happen to a president": a negative narrative about his perceived competence. This may harm his ability to "improve his overall job approval numbers."

Is it just me, or did the internet seem extra hoaxy this week? It's not just me: Wayne Knight is not dead, this woman was not rescued from a desert island by Google Maps, and the world's most exclusive restaurant isn't really. Let's get right to it.

The food industry has a generally glum outlook for sales in the coming year. But there is a bright spot: the portion of Americans buying gluten-free food has more than doubled in the past three years. Why?

North Korean dear leader Kim Jong Un is a sonofabitch who offed his uncle last month. But he likely didn't strip naked Uncle Jang and slowly feed him alive to a pack of 120 starving dogs, as the media excitedly reported last week. In fact, that entire frenzy may have originated in a tweeter's dark-humored imagination.

Kathleen Parker, the Washington Post's Pulitzer Prize-winning(!) racial alarmist columnist, ended her year proudly by being named one of the Least Important Writers of 2013. In honor of that, she's made sure that her latest column immediately qualifies her as one of the Least Important Writers of 2014.

Unilever, the enormous global consumer products conglomerate that makes everything from shampoo to mayonnaise, wants to do its part to save the world. How can you help? By buying lots and lots of Unilever products.

In further passionate defense of his frequent use of the word "faggot," Tyler the Creator says, "It's just another word that has no meaning." Tyler the Creator, by the way, is a rapper who makes money from his crafting and recitation of words. This is bullshit.

Here is some straight up bullshit: some scientist who like "playing god" are trying to improve on one of God's Greatest Creations—the incredible edible egg. NEWS FLASH, eggheads: it ain't gonna happen.

Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus will reportedly soon announce an offer to fund the operations of the World War II Memorial for 30 days, to literalize his party's effort to turn the aging veterans of the war into a partisan political commodity.

The talkathon by Senator Ted Cruz is almost certainly the most newsworthy speech that's been given by a member of the Senate on the Senate floor today or yesterday. Yet some of the response to it from the news media has been dismissive. Dylan Byers, the dumbest reporter alive, dedicated an item in The Politico to trying to think about what it all means (it means: "Media Bias").

Gone are the days when a "brand" was just some bullshit made up by bullshit consultants who charged a ridiculous amount of money for bullshit. From now on, brands are people—just like you.

John and Jane Doe, residents of 123 Main Street, Anytown, USA, are just your perfectly average American consumers: board-certified gastroenterologists, who will only purchase "Gluten-Free" food items, because they have scientifically confirmed their own celiac sensitivity with extensive medical testing.

Right now, it is 93 degrees in Central Park, according to the National Weather Service. It is on its way up to an expected high of 99 degrees, which is a brutal, sweltering temperature—the crest of a severe summer heat wave.

In its most recent Sunday Styles section, the New York Times published a 4,800-word story headlined, "Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too." One reporter spent a full five months working exclusively on this patronizing abomination.

The New York Times supplied a copy of Mark Leibovich's obsessively anticipated study of Washington self-obsession, This Town, to onetime Boston Globe Washington bureau chief David Shribman—who now does something or other in Pennsylvania or maybe Ohio?—and the paper was rewarded with a book review that begins like this:

If you're a hip and trendsetting young urban affluencer like me, you can hardly count how many times you've purchased a new brand of bottled water, only to be disappointed with its lack of that... certain something. "I dunno, this just takes like water," you grumble, tossing the disposable plastic bottle onto the mountainous pile of similar empty plastic bottles that have built up in your tastefully decorated apartment, a testament to your restless search for a bottled water brand that speaks to your lifestyle. I am here to tell you that there is finally hope: a bottled water that comes from Brooklyn.