Viacom co-president/bleach-toothed master of All Things Broadcast Les Moonves is really, really anxious to get his divorce over with. Obviously exasperated with the slow divorce proceedings instituted by his estranged wife, Nancy, Moonves has petitioned to have the status portion of the split changed right now so that he can be officially "single" so he can "go forward with [his] life, both emotionally and financially." Translation: Nancy can bleed him for untold millions later, but right now he wants to get back to schtupping Julie Chen without the guilt of a technical marriage weighing heavily on 'Lil Les. Who knew the little guy had a conscience?

We've seen some truly strange shit on Craiglist, but we submit this mindblowing Missed Connection for your bewilderment:

With the delicious testimonies of Disney CEO Michael Eisner and erstwhile superagent/president-for-a-minute Michael Ovitz fading from memory, the heat on The Hollywood Trial of the Century has all but dissipated. While Ovitz's pathological denial made him feel his time on the witness stand helped to rehabilitate his battered rep around town (being called a "psychopath" isn't so bad, right?), he took another beating in Tuesday's proceedings, when former Disney chief legal counsel branded Ovitz a "total failure." As if this tarring wasn't enough, Litvack dumped the feathers on the ex-president's head, sneakily impugning Ovtiz's vaunted lying ability by claiming that he never lied about any "material" issues while at the Mouse.

Even with the spectre of layoffs still haunting Miramax's offices on both coasts, they're still looking for some fresh blood—we think Harvey Weinstein must really love the look of shock on a new recruit's face as he slashes an entire department on their first day. So, adrenaline junkies looking to get a foot in the door in the movie business, why not cut your teeth at the Max? Here are some of the prerequisites for the open Assistant to the Exec VP of Marketing gig:

· Sundance director Geoffrey Gilmore complains about an entertainment industry first: They have too much quality in this year's festival! They may be forced to burn several "must see" entries for warmth on the streets of Park City or go insane from their embarrassment of cinematic riches. [THR]
· Matt Damon, determined to typecast himself as Hollywood's greatest superspy, eyes the lead role vacated by Leonardo DiCaprio in the Robert DeNiro directed The Good Shepherd. [THR]
· Harold Ramis and Owen Wilson team up to write and produce an untitled "historical comedy" for Sony. We knew there was still room for another reworking of the Alexander story. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Pamela Anderson is attached to star in a Steve Levitan pilot about a woman with a weakness for bad boys. Also, she has huge, fake tits and is battling hepatitis-C. At least Levitan seems to know what he's doing: "[P]eople sense that deep down, beneath the sexy image, there is a grounded and likable person who they occasionally get to see naked." [Variety]
· Kinsey and Sideways grab nominations for IFP Independent Spirit Awards, which everyone will forget about when they're nominated for Oscars. [Variety]

A reader from across the pond corrects the American media's references (and ours) to Harvey Weinstein as "Sir Harvey" after he was recognized as an honorary Commander of the British Empire last week.

We really can't read enough about the Great Publicist Shitcanning of 2004, in which PMK/HBH's beloved Leslee Dart lost a bloody power struggle with Pat "The Iron Flack" Kingsley. At least Kingsley maintains some perspective on her life's work during her and Dart's unfortunate parting:

· NBC president Kevin Reilly tears up with Nielsen nostalgia watching the network's Seinfeld special and realizes just how shitty sitcoms have become. He then vows to find out the "rules" so that he can break them...by setting future shitty sitcoms in wacky places like retirement communities and trailer parks. We can't wait to enter this brave new world filled with endless laughter and originality. [THR]
· Surrender now before Desperate Housewives decides dominating the ratings isn't enough and sends Teri Hatcher to eat the nation's first born. [THR]
· Murdoch underboss Peter Chernin's sweetheart contract allows him to bolt Fox for Disney should the opportunity arise. Other provisions in the contract give Chernin truckloads of cash and stock options in severance, grant him a six-year production deal, and compels Lachlan Murdoch to serve as his butler for "as long as he's needed." [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· NBC promotes Mitch Metcalf to VP of programming planning and scheduling, where he will quickly be devoured trying to solve the Must See TV problem. Sadly, the only solution is begging Les Moonves for a job. [Variety]
· Mandalay Entertainment options the film rights to the as-yet-unpublished chick-litty how-to guide The Hookup Handbook: A Single Girl's Guide to Living it Up. We often facetiously use this space to pray to God to quickly and painlessly end our lives, but this time we're serious. We can only hope the afterlife has no books with neon covers and tips on "how to get him to call you back the next day." [THR]

· Viacom agrees to a $3.5 million buggering over outstanding indecency fines, which doesn't include the world of pain the FCC has yet to rain down over the Janet Jackson incident. To show his gratitude for the "settlement," Viacom co-president/future galactic emperor Les Moonves plans on leaving a severed breast left in FCC chairman Michael Powell's bed. And that's just for starters. [THR]
· The MPAA upholds the NC-17 rating on Pedro Almodovar's Bad Education because "they're just not into the gay sex thing." [THR]
· Robert Downey Jr. joins Tim Allen in the Shaggy Dog remake. We'll all understand if Downey falls off the wagon to get through this one. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Universal writes the names of all of its 2005 films on little pieces of paper, throws them up in the air, then reschedules their release dates according to where they land on a calendar on the floor. [Variety]
· Former Academy member Carmine Caridi fined $600K for pirating movie screeners. In addition to the severe financial penalty, the judge left open the possibility that MPAA pirate-hunter-at-large Jack Valenti can beat the bottom of Caridi's feet with bamboo sticks until he calls Valenti his "copyright daddy." [Variety]

Harvey Weinstein, Hollywood's job-slashingest studio head, used the occasion of being named an honorary Commander of the British Empire to bitch about his negotiations with Disney to stay with Miramax:

In today's LAT piece on "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About How a Movie Trailer Gets Shown at Your Local Theater, But Were Afraid To Ask," we were utterly unsurprised to discover that the same system of studio payoffs, favor-trading, and intimidation that marks day-to-day business in Hollywood also effects theater chains' choices in trailers. Most comforting is the revelation that these transactions are not immune from the time-honored industry ritual of a studio executive unleashing profanities at someone with a much smaller salary:

The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke generously awards herself an honorary "Eisner' ("you get a prick with brass balls") for earning a mention in The Hollywood Trial of the Century when an article she wrote about the tensions between Michael Eisner and Michael Ovitz started to leak out into the press turned up as evidence. Finke recounts the plaintiff's lawyer's mention of her piece:

· News hotter than a narcoleptic possum that fell asleep inside a wood-burning stove: Dan Rather will "step down" as CBS' chief anchor in March. He'll take his mildly brain-damaged, countrified sayings to a full-time correspondent gig with the network. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Desperate to plug the hole left by the end of Sex and the City, HBO gives SATC's Michael Patrick King's Lisa Kudrow vehicle Comeback a quick 13 episode order. HBO usually knows what it's doing, but does the phrase "Lisa Kudrow vehicle" scare you as much as it does us? It's not quite "David Schwimmer directs," but still. [THR]
· Hollywood's most beloved showrunners, Will & Grace's David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, are close to getting their pilot Kings of New York set up at NBC—the same network they're fighting in court. Will the lawsuits mysteriously disappear following a pick-up? Will the show suck as much as Good Morning, Miami? Only time will tell. [THR]
· The recent tidal wave of useless swag pouring forth from Hollywood's promotion departments indicates that the industry is back to its classic, money-burning ways. [Variety]
· Congress OKs the creation of a copyright enforcement czar, establishing a Supreme Pirate Hunter at the federal level. Arrrrrrr and whatnot. [THR]

Stephen Bollenbach, Disney's chief financial officer during the Ovitz Debacle, took the stand at The Hollywood Trial of the Century and described the former president's "odd" managerial style. Among Ovitz's more charming behaviors was gathering his executives and asking them whom they thought was the most important person in history (among the answers: Jesus and Eisner) and showily pulling aside CEO Michael Eisner to conspicuously whisper in his ear.

The NYT's Sharon Waxman looks at the fallout from last week's PMK/HBH bloodletting, where Pat Kingsley, the Iron Flack, preemptively fired number two uberpublicist Leslee Dart before the whippersnapper could force her into the Old Reps Home. Unhappy A-list movie clients are rumbling about bolting the firm to stay with Dart, terrified that the change could hurt their films' awards-time promotion. Even former PMK director Lois Smith thinks canning Dart was a mistake and that the er, mature, Kingsley might have to start thinking about hanging up her cat o' nine tails.

Film Threat knows that other magazine's "hot" and "power" lists are an exercise in futility, as one year's Most Powerful Man in Hollywood is the next's high profile defendant, and fleetingly omnipotent studio are forced to cut back employee's vacation time to make ends meet. It's arguably far more relevant to examine the lower reaches of the power thermometer, so Film Threat lists this year's "Frigid 50," the Hollywood players whose careers seem to have a caught walking pneumonia. Congratulations to old pals Michael Moore (No. 1), Michael Eisner (3), Paris Hilton (9), and Ben Affleck (10), who've all managed to crack the top ten. If things break right for them, they might manage to get hotter than Colin Farrell's infamous penis (17).

· Dr. Phil extends his contract for three more years, allowing him to continue making the hard work of ruining America's families look effortless. [THR]
· Halle Berry is cast in Revolution Studios' psychological thriller At Least It's Not Fucking Catwoman Perfect Stranger. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· CBS thinks they're protecting themselves from another incident by choosing Paul McCartney as this year's Super Bowl halftime entertainment, but we predict Super Sunday will be marred by Sir Paul "accidentally" showing us his Prince Albert in the middle of a Wings medley. [THR]
· Desperate Housewives shrugs off all the horrifying, damaging Monday Night Football publicity and continues to dominate the ratings. [Variety]
· Punk'd/Without a Paddle megastar Dax Shepard condescends to star with has-been Dustin Hoffman in Car Wars for Warner Bros. [THR]

In his final day of testimony in The Hollywood Trial of the Century, Disney CEO Michael Eisner expressed regret that the trial's more sensational elements might have painted an unflattering picture of the entertainment business that he loves so dearly.

· Mel Karmazin becomes CEO of Sirius Satellite Radio, enabling him and BFF Howard Stern to continue with the important work of heaving slices of bologna at strippers' asses. [THR]
· Les Moonves implants a subcutaneous microchip in the neck of Joe Roth, forcing him to sign a three-year sitcom development deal with CBS. At the end of the contract, Moonves will flip a switch that tursn Roth into a ruthless killing machine, invading ABC's offices and slaying everyone in his path. Moonves will then flip a second switch, making Roth's head explode. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Because Robin Williams in drag is box office gold: Fox2000 plans a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel, written by fat-old-lady prosethetics expert Bonnie Hunt. [THR]
· Sony wins bidding war to release a new Dave Chapelle concert DVD. He's Rick James, bitch, etc etc. [THR]
· Director David Yates has been chosen to helm the fifth Harry Potter movie. Yes, the David Yates, of The Tichborne Claimant fame. It's OK, you can IMDb him now and figure out who the hell he is. [Variety]

The fourth day of Disney CEO Michael Eisner's testimony in The Hollywood Trial of the Century featured Eisner proving that it's not only agents that lie, as he and about-to-be-executed president Michael Ovitz attempted a face-saving, investor-appeasing appearance on Larry King Live in 1996. The two did everything short of an on-air tattooing of heart-encircled "Mike & Mike 4-ever" pledges on each other's chests to make their relationship seem copacetic.