It’s a widely accepted fact that the current lineup of candidates for president of the United States consists mainly of self-obsessed clowns and/or displaced SNL parodies of historical tyrants. But—what if it wasn’t entirely their fault?
Jake Burris, campaign manager for Arkansas 3rd District congressional candidate Ken Aden, returned home with his family last night and found their cat lying dead on the front porch with "LIBERAL"scrawled across its side. The cat, according to Aden's campaign, "had one side of its head bashed in to the point the cat's eyeball was barely hanging from its socket." You can view the somewhat disturbing photo here. (You can't make out the bashed-in head or danging eyeball, fortunately.)
Newt Gingrich is going to win the South Carolina presidential primary tomorrow. Not just because he yelled at two debate moderators for asking him debate questions this week, which brought him up about 20 percentage points in the polls. That wasn't enough to close the deal. But now that television survivalist Chuck Norris has endorsed him in a meditative World Net Daily piece, Romney's got no chance.
It's a tearful day in the world of cosmopolitan magazines and television studios, as the infamously sane Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race, due to a near-total void of interest in his campaign among Republican primary voters. How did this relatively competent-seeming person lose his support so dramatically? Well, he didn't; he never had any support. So let's remember his anemic campaign with a gallery of some funny photos and ludicrous screen shots.
Newt Gingrich never got to complete his political career. He only lasted as Speaker of the House, a job he'd successfully wrangled after plotting his path for a psychotic 14 years, for a couple of terms, the latter half of which he spent as an incompetent figurehead. He was reprimanded and fined for ethics violations and forced out of power by the House Republican majority he'd brought to power for the first time in half a century.
Adorable Texas bigot Rick Perry quickly decamped to the forests of his home state last night to "reassess" his campaign, which is usually what you'd say when you're dropping out but need a couple of days to raise cash and pay off the bills. But Rick Perry is clearly too insane to concentrate on such things for more than a few minutes, so he's already made up his mind and decided to stay in the race. He announced this via Twitter, with a classic "Rick Perry Photo," and without really teling anyone. Good form, Perry! The dream will never die.
Well here we are, first voting night of the presidential season, and CNN is already completely insane, playing with ludicrous pastel penis holograms while Wolf Blitzer meanders around looking for some anxious correspondent to appear on a garish outer space screen and say nothing. Only in Iowa!...?? Let's get this over with.
Rick Perry is still trying to convince Iowa voters that he's the most socially conservative candidate this godforsaken planet has ever seen, in his last ditch-attempt to get anyone to vote for him. We all remember when he was like, why are gays in the military when something something children Christmas Jesus? Then he pounced on his wife, putting her in her place. And now he's announcing that he's upgraded his anti-abortion club membership, after watching a movie about ladies.
Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has dropped out of the Republican presidential race. He rarely ever polled above 8 — people, not percentage points. He made a popular Rush Limbaugh joke about doggie poop during one of the two debates in which he appeared. He took his shirt off for the papers and rode a bike. He courted pagans, online gamblers, and other knaves. And now he will run for the Libertarian party nomination, and maybe decide the presidential election.
Alright, it was cute when Republican base trolled us with the Trump, Bachmann, Perry, and Cain surges and collapses (surglapses, we'll call them, or perhaps anti-boners), but throwing Newt Gingrich onto the heap of other Potemkin candidates after he was leading by 20 points everywhere like a week ago, this late in the process, is cruel.
After every Republican presidential candidate except Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum dropped out of his debate, chronic mango-lacquered television ailment Donald Trump has decided to drop the whole thing. But "near-total lack of interest from the invitees," you won't be surprised to learn, is not the reason he gives. He is suddenly concerned about conflicts of interest, such as him running for president later on. Very reasonable. Hmm.
Time for your daily dose of Giving Donald Trump Any Kind of Publicity! Today: The shrieking mudbuttface's precious little debate is in tatters. Michele Bachmann has turned him down, setting the final roster of participants at Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum. Or some combination of two.
It did not seem possible that Newt Gingrich, star of the biggest political flameout of the 1990s, would find himself weeks away from the 2012 Republican presidential nominating contests and leading by double-digits in both national polls and three of the four early primary states. But thank Allah he is! Go Newt! This is the best thing that's ever happened. Now let's watch some elite conservatives pundits squirm.
The Smoking Gun has gotten its paws on Newt Gingrich's Washington Speakers Bureau contract, replete with all of his pampered demands. For each speaking gig, he wants a nice hotel, first class plane ticket, check for $50,750 — the usual. But there's one item that stands out as appropriately idiosyncratic: His demand for two bathrooms, in a one-bedroom suite. This is his most profound idea yet.
It turns out that Newt Gingrich has been annoying the public with his many trillion half-baked ideas — remember that he is, fundamentally, an Ideas Man, in the fundamental sense — since 1954. He was an 11-year-old boy, and he and his "buddies" had a grand vision: to throw some animals in a park and call it a zoo.
