It’s a widely accepted fact that the current lineup of candidates for president of the United States consists mainly of self-obsessed clowns and/or displaced SNL parodies of historical tyrants. But—what if it wasn’t entirely their fault?

What if, maybe—just maybe—all the candidates parading around on our television screens actually suffer from mild to moderate brain damage? Would it not make sense that the only people delusional enough to truly, genuinely believe that they would be the single best person to run the country might have irreversibly damaged cells sloshing around in their skulls?

In the pursuit of truth, we reached out to each and every presidential candidate currently polling above one percent to find out, once and for all, whether they are in fact suffering from some degree of brain damage. And while we have consulted the Mayo Clinic(‘s website) to judge our various patients’ symptoms, until we hear definitively from the candidates themselves, we’re forced to consider each case open.


Donald Trump

Symptoms:

  • Mood changes or mood swings
  • Difficulty understanding others
  • Shortened attention span
  • Inability to understand abstract concepts
  • Impaired decision-making ability
  • Irritability and impatience
  • Increased aggressiveness
  • Heightened emotions or reactions
  • Denial of disability [Please see the following.]

Diagnosis:

While Donald Trump does appear to suffer from more symptoms of brain damage than any other candidate, as his representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Ben Carson

Symptoms:

  • Fatigue or drowsiness
  • Slurred speech
  • Sluggishness
  • Difficulty remembering new information
  • Profound confusion [Namely as it relates to belt buckles, hammers, riots, psychology tests, pyramids, West Point scholarships, and Mannatech.]

Diagnosis:

As Ben Carson’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Marco Rubio

Symptoms:

Diagnosis:

As Marco Rubio’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Ted Cruz

Symptoms:

Diagnosis:

As Ted Cruz’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Jeb Bush

Symptoms:

  • Trouble speaking coherently
  • Agitation or combativeness [Towards infants, specifically.]
  • Sad or depressed mood

Diagnosis:

As Jeb Bush’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Rand Paul

Symptoms:

Diagnosis:

As Rand Paul’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


John Kasich

Symptoms:

Diagnosis:

As John Kasich’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Carly Fiorina

Symptoms:

  • Irritability and impatience
  • Loss of consciousness for a few seconds to a few minutes [The only explanation for what happened during her fever dream of a speech about aborted fetuses dancing on tables at the GOP debate.]
  • Profound confusion [Specifically regarding her belief that her time at HP was a resounding success.]

Diagnosis:

Update, 4:53 p.m.: Sources close to Fiorina say she has likely not suffered brain damage, but the campaign has yet to make an official statement.


sources close to Fiorina say she has NOT suffered brain damage, but the campaign has yet to make an official statementMike Huckabee

Symptoms:

Diagnosis:

As Mike Huckabee’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Chris Christie

Symptoms:

Diagnosis:

Chris Christie is clean—though he does suffer from a mildly judgemental press hotline.


Hillary Clinton

Symptoms:

Diagnosis: Clean! Although Hillary does suffer from another nasty case of incredibly angry communications director.

[You can see Hillary’s clean bill of health here.]


Bernie Sanders

Symptoms:

  • Agitation or combativeness
  • Confusion
  • Irregular speech

Diagnosis:

As Bernie Sanders’ representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Martin O’malley

Symptoms:

  • Profound confusion
  • Impaired decision-making ability

Diagnosis:

As Martin O’Malley’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Images via AP and Getty, art by Jim Cooke.