On Wednesday, a bunch of old men vacationing in Italy selected an Argentine man named Jorge Bergoglio as America's Next Top Pope.

When San Francisco's archbishop-elect Salvatore Cordileone was arrested for a DUI a little over a month ago, that was just God's way of putting him in his place.

Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini, the former archbishop of Milan, died Friday — but not before giving a final interview in which he condemned the Catholic Church for not getting with the times.

Father Benedict Groeschel, a prominent friar, television host, and director of the Office for Spiritual Development for the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, gave an interview to the National Catholic Register this week. It's been taken down — why? Probably because Groeschel claimed that "in a lot of cases" of abuse, "the youngster... is the seducer." And expressed sympathy with Jerry Sandusky.

A Kansas City grand jury has indicted Robert Finn (pictured, at right), the city's Roman Catholic bishop, for failing to report suspected sexual abuse of a child by a priest in his district. "The indictment is the first ever of a Catholic bishop in the 25 years since the scandal over sexual abuse by priests first became public in the United States." Well, I guess we can put that behind us.

Praise Frosty! That's the name of the 73-year-old man who had a priceless portrait of Jesus Christ sitting in the closet of his Tennessee motor home.

Someone (God?) gave Pope Benedict XVI an iPad, and today he became the first pope to Tweet (that we know of) when he announced his plans to exhume Pope John Paul II and put his corpse on trial. Just kidding! That was a different pope.

On Sunday, people in northern Spain performed El Salto del Colacho, or "the Devil's Jump," a tradition in which men dress as yellow "colachos" and jump over local babies in the street.

Attention, discerning auctiongoers! The head of St. Vitalis of Assisi — the patron saint of genital disease — is up for auction in Ireland this coming Sunday. Obama must be so bummed he just left!

Ancient pop singer and spiritualist Madonna has long been associated with Kabbalah, a mystical, Jewishy sect. But she recently had a falling out with Kabbalah's leaders after the whole Malawi school debacle, so she's been on the hunt for something new. And it looks like she's found it: Opus Dei!

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert—with his forehead still adorned with ash—decided that he'd give up Catholicism for Lent. Interesting! Then, Colbert decided to take up Judaism. And then, he gave up "not eating bacon" for Jewish Lent.

On today's View, the hosts discussed the reaction to a segment they did yesterday, where they took the Catholic church to task for excommunicating a nun who facilitated an abortion to save the mother's life. Their defense inside.

Sadly, being accused of sexual assault doesn't make priests automatic contenders for the title of "Worst Priest in the World." But hiring a hitman to kill your accuser, as Father John Fiala of Texas did? That gets you up there.

I don't hate the Pope. Hell, I hardly even know him. Couldn't pick him out of a crowd of old German dudes wearing mitres and carrying jewel-encrusted wands. So why's he going around shit-talking people who use the Internet?

Police have arrested a man in connection with the May beating that sent 65-year-old retired Jesuit priest Jerold Lindner to the hospital—and the suspect, it turns out, is an alleged victim of abuse at the hands of Lindner.

San Diego's Catholic Diocese released around 10,000 pages of documents relating to abuse perpetuated by 48 priests.

Pope Benedict XVI is having trouble giving away tickets to the events he's presiding over during his visit to Britain. Even though he has a special rap track for the occasion!

[Scotland created a special tartan (plaid pattern) to commemorate the Pope's visit! Here, Cardinal Keith Patrick O'Brien and piper Louise Marshall Millington unveil the thing. Plans to specially deep-fry a Mars bar were scrapped. Pics via Getty. Click for close-ups.]

Back in 2001, future Pope Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger—then the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith—was given sweeping authority to handle church abuse cases. But, uh, he had that power all along—and didn't use it.

The Pope pretty much endorsed the Shroud of Turin as Jesus' blanket, saying it "totally corresponds to what the Gospels tell of Jesus." But The Pope also believes this "Jesus" fella rose from the dead, so, grain of salt. [Reuters]