This week, Pope Francis said “the great majority” of modern Catholic marriages were religiously invalid due to an insufficient understanding of commitment, successfully making mad dudes very mad.

Earlier this morning, a restaurant full of wildly unlucky, likely cursed New Hampshire voters had to pretend to eat breakfast while Chris Christie discussed the act of putting his penis inside of a woman’s vagina. Which he has done. Multiple times.

Rick Santorum—a rust-belted Pittsburgher who has embraced the Petrine church ever since he stopped being pro-choice in his first congressional election—is smeared in penitence and frothy with faith, and he will show this pontiff who’s supreme.

San Francisco's St. Mary's Cathedral is trying to baptize the city's homeless away: the Archdiocese of San Francisco has installed a watering system that floods the steps of the church, KCBS reports.

Cool Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, possessor of truly Jadenesque follower count, acknowledged today that evolution and the Big Bang thoery are real, and that God is not "a magician with a magic wand."

Ariana Grande, the diminutive pop star plagued by demons, recently opened up about leaving the Catholic Church for Kabbalah. "When my brother [Frankie J. Grande] was told that God didn't love him I was like, 'OK, that's not cool,'" she told the Sunday Telegraph. Frankie is an openly gay ex-Big Brother contestant.

With help from anonymous Twitter users, Philadelphia law enforcement is closing in on the group of young people who beat up a gay couple on the street last Thursday. One of the suspects, an assistant coach at the Archbishop Wood Catholic school, quit his job today. The diocese announced the news, adding that "violence against anyone" is "inexcusable."

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself, unless thy neighbor is a titty bar. At least, that's what the Lord has told the Missionary Sisters of St. Charles Borromeo in Chicago, who are suing the strip club that moved in next door to them.

Bill O’Reilly wants to pummel the mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, for demonizing the wealthy. “I want to beat him up,” the Fox News anchor said of Hizzoner. (You can hear the audio above.) O’Reilly revealed his violent wish at a Thursday fundraiser for the Church of Saint Mary, a Catholic parish and K-12 school in the Long Island hamlet of Manhasset. As the Bible says: The rich will inherit the Earth.

This evening, New York Times public editor Margaret Sullivan wondered in her "journal" (blog) whether the Times should have devoted more coverage to the annual "March for Life" in Washington D.C., happening this year for the 41st time. She quotes an email from one "Francis H. Hoffman":

The Boston Globe has poached America's preeminent Vatican correspondent, John Allen, from the National Catholic Reporter, because of the "resurgence of global interest in the Catholic Church." Everyone loves to read about Pope Francis!

He's been referred to as "Super-Pope" for his superheroic feats of faith, but is Pope Francis an honest-to-Godness superhero?

Cardinal Timothy Dolan believes the Catholic church is "caricatured as being anti-gay." It's not so much anti-gay people as just being really pro-not-gay people.

The new Pope, Francis: great guy. He loves the poor. He's cool with atheists. He's even pretty chill about gay marriage and abortions. Yesterday's photos of him embracing a severely disfigured man were genuinely touching. Still, the best thing that this nice Pope could do would be to dismantle the Catholic Church.

Liberals around the world applauded Pope Francis for meeting the bare minimum standard of human decency on Monday by saying, when asked about the possibility of gay priests, "If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?"

Late popes John Paul II and John XXIII will be made saints, the Catholic Church declared on Friday, conferring on both men a special "VIP status" that gives them discounts on select concession stand items and access to the shorter VIP line on all the rides.

Did Pope Francis just perform an exorcism or do people just freak out when they see the Pope?

Once you've seen the Sistine Chapel six or seven times, life in Vatican City can get a bit... boring (we imagine). So what else is there to do? According an analysis by TorrentFreak and Scaneye: download pirated porn.

The newly minted Pope washed the feet of two women today, including them in an Easter rite that the church he leads has previously insisted is reserved for men, because that's just how God rolls.

Besides his downright primitive views on LGBT issues, the most potent critiques against the newly installed Pope Francis have had to do with his potentially gruesome role in Argentina's so-called Dirty War. Today there is more information about Pope Francis and his time in the conflict, and yet exactly what happened remains murkier than ever.