Now that Angelina Jolie's getting back in the acting game, Brad Pitt knows he better fill up his calendar so that he's not left home watching the kids. Pitt will star in David Fincher's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button after he wraps up his time pallin' around with the Cloonster on Ocean's Thirteen, then may move on to Universal's State of Play. [Variety]
Imagine's Brian Grazer will produce the family comedy Mr. Machine with Napoleon Dynamite and his brothers for Universal, a project described as "a throwback to the family comedies of the 1980s," and which "revolves around three brainy slackers who build a robot that wants to take over the world." [THR]
Hilary Swank Out Of Ideas: Oscar double-fister Swank will star in a remake of the French thriller Labyrinth, playing yet another cinematic crazy person who might know something about a serial killer. [Variety]
· Fox simultaneously licenses every episode of Arrested Development to MSN, HDNet, and G4, proving they are willing to embrace every AD-related opportunity short of actually producing new episodes. [THR]
· A big high-five to our friends at TVGasm, whose Chenbot mugs are a big hit with automaton Big Brother host Julie Chen and sugar daddy/boss Les Moonves. Another fun fact: Chen calls him "Leslie." [Variety]

Who of us hasn't stumbled upon an episode of NBC's America's Got Talent, and, between savoring Hasselhoffian critiques of an armpit-playing barbershop quartet, thought to ourselves, "This show would really be onto something, if there were just some way to lower the incredibly high talent bar set by its contestants." Well, look no further than CBS' new reality show pilot, Singing Office, where they're banking on viewers showing up in droves to find out what happens when someone hands a microphone to Debra from Accounting:

Warner Bros TV finally caves to iTunes peer-pressure and will provide series like Friends for downloading on the service, meeting the demands of fans who can't be bothered to catch the reruns that are broadcast roughly sixty times per day on TV and basic cable. WB is also offering recently aborted pilot Aquaman, which new network The CW neglected to include on its fall schedule. [Variety]
Fox Interactive Media President Ross Levinsohn now speaks exclusively in the dialect of Myspace's legion of fourteen-year-old users, declaring the online service "so not about social networking anymore" while discussing his plan to better harness the site's influence for News Corp evil. [THR]
· Quickly running out of employees to lay off, Disney buys the Indian children's television channel Hungama, then immediately fires its entire staff. Layoff jokes: somewhat funny because everyone in this town is afraid of losing his or her job! [Variety]
Madonna's husband happily accepts his pigeonholing as a hacky director of gangster films, signing on to rewrite and direct the "gangster odyssey" Static for Columbia Pictures. [THR]
Sean Hayes and his producing partner move their production company from NBC Universal to CBS Paramount Network TV, where the actor will spend the next year turning down offers to play sassy, gay sidekicks while waiting for better roles that never materialize. [Variety]

Last week, entertainment "news" show Access Hollywood reported on its website that incoming CBS evening dominatrix Katie Couric told Access that "she would not venture into the Middle East hot spot," noting that she's a single parent with two children. As talking heads want nothing more than for the viewing public to believe that they are capable of "reporting," this sort of sentiment does not bode well for a network news anchor. But shortly after their story created a stir, Access conceded that the quote had been taken out of context (it was from a May 30 interview and in regards to injured CBS correspondent Kimberly Dozier). The website thus updated their story with Couric's most recent comments on the Middle East, in which she said she would "want to be there."

Despite early hopes that the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century would take down the whole fucking system from the inside!, so little good dirt has been unearthed that a bored Hollywood seems ready to put the whole project in turnaround. [Variety]
James Bond franchise producers Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli announce they've invited back Daniel Craig for a 007 film to be released in May 2008, giving the British tabloids another two years to concoct stories about Blonde Bond's desire to incorporate strappy heels into the superspy's staid, tuxdeo-based look. [THR]
NBC is resurrecting the Bill Lawrence pilot Nobody's Watching, which was not picked up by The WB but became a hit on YouTube, by ordering six scripts of the series. Tube-smitten network president Kevin Reilly is also expected to announce the greenlighting of a series consisting of nothing but re-edits of movie trailers in which the leads are presented as gay lovers by the Brokeback Mountain theme playing in the background. [Variety]
· Studio execs are hopeful that the movies they're releasing in the summer "stretch drive" (Talledega Nights, Snakes on a Plane, The Any Bully, etc) will perform well enough not to cost them their jobs. [THR]
· Hollywood is relieved that the government will distinguish between it and the hardcore porn industry in matters of keeping records on the ages of performers who appear in sex scenes, allowing CBS's special episode of CSI, "Preschool Orgy Massacre Autopsy," to proceed unencumbered by annoying bureaucratic red tape. [Variety]

• Just like Britney Spears told Matt Lauer she wants to start her own magazine, houseboy Kevin Federline says he'd like to start a publication that "comes out after all the tabloids." He'd call it The Real, and we're already vying associate editor position. [R&M (last item)]
• Are Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams leaving Brooklyn? Fucking Ratner, driving away all the good celebs. [Daily Telegraph]
• Kirsten Dunst manages to not get wasted at a recent Chanel function. When free clothes are on the line, the girl knows to keep her shit together. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson isn't helping OK! magazine's circulation: her most recent cover sold less than Vaughniston and Britney issues. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The National Enquirer EIC David Perel thinks there's a conspiracy theory against the magazine, run by an evil multi-celeb terror cell and led by Britney Spears and Kate Hudson. [TMZ]
• Steely Dan emerges from obscurity to accuse the makers of You, Me and Dupree of stealing from their Cousin Dupree song. [Fox411]
• CBS quickly goes about the business of erasing Dan Rather from its history books. [Page Six]

While it's safe to say Charlie Sheen is not having the greatest of years, his career seems to be the one area of his life that's carrying on nicely. Apparently, audiences of Two and a Half Men feel that the off-screen domestic foibles and cheerleader-chasing antics of its star do little to dilute its sitcomy hilarity. The LAT reports that Sheen is demanding to be compensated in an amount befitting his singular talents, elevating him to the rare, $1 million-an-episode circle previously occupied by such primetime royalty as David Schwimmer:

· Warner Bros. TV and Paramount have thrown giant piles of cash at M:i:III director/Lost creator JJ Abram to lock up his Bad Robot production company for TV and film development deals, respectively. Click through to the link at the end of this sentence to hear the sound of various WB and Paramount big-shots clapping themselves on the back for their amazing, visionary ability to write enormous checks. [Variety]
· Hoping to capitalize on the success of their hit Kyra Sedgwick series The Closer, TNT is in talks with Holly Hunter to go basic-cable slumming in the TNT pilot Grace, sort of a combination between Touched by an Angel and, um, The Closer. Hey, no one ever said there's a correlation between original thought and Nielsen ratings. [THR]
· Pirates 2 takes the ten-day box office record, but fails to set the mark for the biggest second weekend record, only notching a third-place finish in that category. You may now commence vomiting in shock at this disappointing shortfall. [Variety]
· Hold that reverse peristalsis! Pirates 2 rolls up $58 million this weekend at the international box office. [THR]
CBS's Nina Tassler admits that Grey's Anatomy's move to Thursdays may "ding" CSI, is immediately called into boss Les Moonves' office to have the soles of her feet beaten with a bamboo rod for showing even the slightest sign of weakness. [Variety]

The layman may look at an egg and see only breakfast, while the man of science may recognize it as a naturally occuring marvel of engineering. But only someone operating on a higher plain of consciousness—such as the TV marketing exec—could have the vision to see it as a blank, mini-billboard on which to print an egg-related pun pushing The King of Queens:

The Times takes a look at a new venue in which CBS plans to advertise its fall lineup: eggs. That's right, advances in laser-printing technology allow for carefully crafted messages (or, in CBS' case, bad puns) to be etched directly on to the unfertilized chicken embryos that we all enjoy for breakfast. While CBS claims that the move is simply based on a desire to make folks laugh, we've got to believe that there's some kind of deeper motivation that would make a network want to write the names of all of its successful series on a hairless, ovoid shell.

The Associated Press still doesn't deliver those examples of friction at the Sun Valley media mogul retreat, but it shares some telling stories:

It hasn't just been a record-shattering week for movie folks: The Big Four networks have been setting benchmarks themselves recently, though don't expect Variety to fall open to a color, gatefold ad proudly touting the fact that they have just reached the smallest audience in TV history:

The woman is supposed to be on her goddamn vacation, but Katie Couric is completely incapable of laying low for a single second. Yesterday in Clearwater, FL she kicked off the first stop of her six-city "listening tour," in which she'll remove a layer of mascara and "get real" with "the people" before she starts her new gig oiling her limbs on CBS. While she's out and about, Couric's also raising a little cash for colon cancer research, but primarily she's there to listen to people in the hinterland talk about the issues that matter to them. For Couric, it's a learning experience — and her listening skills, rest assured, are top notch:

This week, Forbes.com's presenile media columnist James Brady takes us to the Core Club for a casual schmoozefest in honor of Katie Couric, thrown by Hearst president Cathie Black and editorial director Ellen Levine. With a nose for news, Brady cruises the scene, gathering important information like Couric's new sleep schedule (she stays in bed until 8 AM nowadays — good to know).

· Superman Returns pulls in just™ $106 million over its seven-day opening weekend, as well as a Fantastic Four/Hulk-trailing, somewhat disappointing™ $52 million over the traditional three-day frame. [Variety]
· THR is not as reflexively pessimistic as we are, saying Superman "avoided the kryptonite of overhype and muscled its way to an estimated gross of a sturdy $106 million." "STURDY!" should make an excellent pullquote for the next round of movie posters. [THR]
· Foreigners love Superman! Moderately and solidly! Though the Man of Steel is still awaiting his debut in faraway lands that care about the World Cup. [Variety]
· Paulie Walnuts and Silvio finally settle their contract dispute with HBO and will continue on The Sopranos, obviating the need for a clumsy, expository pork store scene in which Bacala rushes in to tell the guys how the pair "got whacked by Big Chris Albrecht on their way over from last season." [THR]
· Ben Stiller will direct and executive produce a CBS comedy pilot starring wife Christine Taylor, who will play the typecasting-busting role of an actress married to a movie star. Stiller will be trotted out for cameos where appropriate. [Variety]

A news-light trade round-up for the holiday weekend:
· As we mentioned in this morning's B.O. report, the real superhero at the movies this weekend was Meryl Streep's Ultra-Bitchwoman, with audiences helpless to her soul-freezing inferiority-rays. [Variety]
· A boycott of Disney by theater owners in Spain has been lifted, finally allowing Spanish audiences to see Cars, and wonder for themselves exactly how automotive procreation works during the endless Owen Wilson-Bonnie Hunt flirtation scenes. [Variety]
· Roger Ebert is in stable condition after emergency, cancer-related surgery. [THR]
· CBS wins a slow Sunday with repeats of Cold Case and 60 Minutes, or as they refer to it internally, "walking dead night." [THR]

· Four of the six big media companies saw their stocks rise this year. Among them, CBS' went up 4%, while Viacom went down 10%. Les Moonves was last overheard cackling in his office, inviting his secretary to join him for a slice of a custom-ordered cake iced to resemble a naked, weeping Tom Freston. [Variety]
· Superman Returns pulls in a healthy $21 million on its opening day, performing to but not exceeding Warner Bros.' expectations, and not coming anywhere near Spider-Man 2 record of $40.4 million. Brandon Routh's agent announces the happy news at some teenager's house party in the Valley, as his client teeters on the roof, having an Almost Famous moment. [Variety]
· Sony screens 20 minutes of Casino Royale at the Cinema Expo, revealing a much grittier, angry Bond who [SPOILER!] blossoms once he reluctantly accepts an undercover post acting as a bitchy fashion editor's assistant. [Variety]
· "How do you end a network?" In the case of The WB, apparently you end it by airing a day's worth of old pilots and "classic promos and image campaigns from the WB's 11-year history." Be sure to catch the montage of Regrettable Felicity Hair Decisions, set to a tear-jerking "Time Of Your Life (Good Riddance)." [Variety]
· Kyra Sedgwick's TNT series The Closer has been renewed for a third season, in which audiences will finally learn what Kyra has been getting closer to in the first two seasons. [THR]

· The trades do their memorializing duty by noting the passing of legendary TV producer/dynamo/optimist Aaron Spelling. [Variety, THR, THR]
· The retired Michael Eisner takes a break from following the maid around the house and pointing out things she's insufficiently dusted, buying a company that produces videos which help parents brainwash their babies into attending their alma maters. [THR]
· NBC Universal TV International president Frederick Huntsberry will become Paramount's COO in the next few days, a job whose responsibilities include shadowing studio chief Brad Grey and assuring him he's having a "tall day." [Variety]
· An LA judge continues to bar producer Bob Yari from removing Cathy Schulman and Tom Nunan's names from The Illusionist credits through the film's August release, a setback to those who relish a good, old-fashioned Hollywood pissing match. [THR]
· Wall Street investors seem pleased that CBS Corp's Les Moonves' plans for world domination now include film production. [Variety]

· The hands-down winner of the most intriguing lede of the day: "Few grown men get as fired up about princesses and fairies as Andy Mooney..." Also, "Magic blingdom" is a pretty amusing title. Is everyone at Variety totally high today? [Variety]
· Bloodthirsty CBS Corp warlord Les Moonves muses about taking baby-steps towards getting into the movie business, with an eye towards eventually crushing Viacom rival Tom Freston's Paramount product. [THR]
· HBO's Lucky Louie pulls in some decent ratings numbers after a week's worth of showings following its low-rated series premiere. [Variety]
· Natalie Portman and Eric Bana are in negotiations to star in The Other Boleyn Girl, a period drama whose lavish costumes will probably afford Portman yet another opportunity to avoid tastefully done cinematic nudity. [THR]
· News Corp wil expand MySpace into countries like France and Germany, where teenagers previously lacked a way to share their favorite Fall Out Boy songs in a web-based medium. [Variety]

OK, so Dan Rather is leaving CBS, and word is he'll most likely be joining Mark Cuban's HDNet — a cable network available only to people with HDTVs. Rather told the Times' Jacques Steinberg over the weekend that he also had two offers from "major broadcast or cable networks." As there's no obvious reason he'd go to a network with no existing news division and distribution to only 3 million homes, we've got to assume it's just because Rather really, really wants to appear in high definition. But why?