This Sunday's NY Times Magazine dedicated 8,000 or so lovingly crafted words to the delicate salad-tossing of CBS chief Les Moonves, the generously-betoothed future galactic despot who will one day use his humble position as head of a successful network to hold the entire universe in his incredibly charismatic sway. Realizing that busy television executives with their own plans for world domination may not have time to pore over the entire text of the New Moonves Testament for crucial trade secrets, we've distilled the mammoth profile down to four easily digestible tips for Nielsen success:

Last week we mentioned that the upcoming Times magazine cover story, a profile of CBS' magnificently-toothed chairman Les Moonves, was written by Lynn Hirschberg, who we understand to have traded several friendship bracelets with Moonves. Surely, however, the profile would be objective, and so we spent our Sunday pulling the most telling parts:

The other day, six-figure media blogger Jim Romenesko picked up an item from Times magazine writer Lynn Hirschberg, who has an upcoming piece on CBS chairman Les Moonves' obsession with reinventing television news. Usually we leave the Moonves-stalking to our Juicy Couture-loving brother, so we moved on.

• Philadelphians don't believe the Times's sixth-borough crap any more than we do. [Inquirer]
• Because no else seems to have any idea, CBS asks its interns how to save the Evening News. [NYO]
• Officialy, all Timesmen love Judy Miller. Confidentially, not so much. Something for OTR sources to consider: The way you talk about Judy, how far do you think moonlighting E&P newshound Joe Strupp will go to protect your identities? [Salon]
• The Voice calls Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria the pundit world's Backstreet Boy, whatever that means. , egregiously ignoring George Stephanopoulos. [VV]
• A j-school prof wonders, should I tell my students the truth, that the business kind of sucks? Nah, of course not. Where would we be without irrationally earnest j-students? [E&P]

· Screw Ovitz and his $140 million golden parachute: ABC and ESPN gives Disney's revenues a 16% boost. [Variety]
· Showtime's Weeds has a "modest" premiere, despite the fact that we've been barraged by publicity for the show. (Seriously, if we hear that ad that says the not-yet-aired series is "TV's most talked about comedy in ages," we're going to hurt a cute animal.) Guess you need a fat Scientologist to lampoon her cold career to make a debut on Showtime really pop. [THR]
· Adding legal insult to box office flop injury, The makers of 1979's Parts: The Clonus Horror are suing DreamWorks and Warner Bros, claiming The Island was based on their film. The litigants are seeking "unspecified damages and part of the proceeds" from the Michael Bay film. Will they take a settlement in rolls of pennies? [Variety]
· CBS's promotional wizards partner with Williams-Sonoma to target their fall schedule to upscale female viewers, offering promo DVDs and "original cooking segments with CBS stars" to W-S customers. The plan builds on a previous, hugely successful targeted marketing attempt involving CBS's biggest demo, CSI-branded bedpans distributed through selected retirement communities. Oh, their audience is so very old! [THR]
· More exciting CBS news: The net gives a mid-season order to the dramedy Love Monkey, starring Tom Cavanaugh and Jason Priestly. Did the twin Canadians test well with the upscale, espresso machine-buying ladies of Williams Sonoma? [Variety]

· Disney gets the domestic distribution rights to Mel Gibson's next directing project, the super-secret period action flick Apocalypto. Details of the plot are under tight wraps, but it's believed that it doesn't involve the Messiah getting his ass kicked for two hours. Gibson's really stepping out of his comfort zone on this one. [Variety]
· Half Pint chooses not to run for a third term as SAG president, opening the field to Chandler's Mom and The Guy Married To Marg Helgenberger. [THR]
· Some might say that Guy Pearce is too handsome to play Harry Houdini, but not the producers of Death-Defying Acts. Since the project is "based" on true events from the escape artist's life, no one should mind prettying up the dude a little bit. [Variety]
· Just in time for the premiere of Hustle & Flow, Paramount throws some first-look deal cash at director Craig Brewer and producing partner Stephanie Allain. We know the studio already paid a huge price for H&F, but shouldn't they wait to see the weekend grosses before giving them any more money? We're just sayin'. [THR]
· UPN head Dawn Ostroff would like to remind everyone that big sister CBS passed on the buzzed-about Everybody Hates Chris, so everyone should stop saying that the show belongs on the real network, OK? Someone from Viacom really needs to give her a hug and reassure her no one's going to steal her baby, unless it becomes a hit. [Variety]

· DVD sales growth stalls, but execs at places like Disney can still wipe with hundred dollar bills from home video sales of The Incredibles ($315 million) and National Treasue ($196 million). [Variety]
· Fox Searchlight plans a Notorious B.I.G. biopic for Antoine Fuqua to direct, will soon be gunned down by a rival studio with a Tupac Shakur movie in development. [THR]
· Kate Hudson will join Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson in Universal's You, Me and Dupree. Open memo to Univerasl: Please lose the Seussian title before release. The Stallion will not countenance such cheesy, singsong nonsense. [Variety]
· News five people care about: Fredric Reynolds, considered frontrunner for the CFO gig at soon-to-be-created CBS Corp. gives Viacom an unexpected kiss-off. [THR]
· Everything that's wrong with television, in one easy sentence: At about $400,000 each per episode of King of Queens, Leah Remini and Kevin James might be the two highest paid actors on network TV. [Variety]