· CBS joins NBC in offering free content for a low, low $.99 price, through Comcast's on-demand system. NBC, also reportedly close to a deal with Apple to make their content available for the iPod, ups the ante by promising downloaders that they'll have the added ability to cancel anything from their Fall schedule directly from their handheld media player. [Variety]
· Blockbuster endures a "hefty" $491 million third quarter loss, prepares for the day that their stores become very cheerfully decorated squats (with almost unlimited microwave popcorn!) for the homeless. [THR]
· Laura Linney strives for "2004 Ben Stiller" levels of ubiquity, will simultaneously film the comedy Man of the Year and spy thriller Breach. [Variety]
· "Ashton Kutcher already has joined the cast of the action drama." Are there any sweeter words in all of Hollywood? [THR]
· "What do you mean Uwe Boll's not available? OK, what other video-game specialist hack needs to eat this week? The Resident Evil guy? Bring him to me!" [Variety]

· With an eye towards cleaning up at next year's holiday box office, Fox signs Ben Stiller for A Night at the Museum, in which Stiller will star as a security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." Excuse us. Stiller will star as a twitchy, neurotic, and impotent-rage-prone security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." [Variety]
· Despite CBS's killer hurricane and NBC's live debate on The West Wing/two-hour L&O:SVU counterprogramming Hail Marys, America still preferred to watch the creepy, gay-seeming pharmacist contemplate date-raping Marcia Cross on Desperate Housewives. [THR]
· Michael Douglas mercifully chooses a role which will probably not require any further restorative plastic surgery, signing up to play "an eccentric and manic-depressive father who becomes obsessed with his belief that there's buried treasure in the San Fernando Valley" in the Alexander Payne-produced King of California. [Variety]
· Now that an Everybody Loves Raymond spinoff looks like a longshot, Brad Garrett realizes that he might need someone to find him a job, hires William Morris to hunt down the appropriate sitcom second-banana roles and CBS MOWs. [THR]
· It's William Morris Signing Day! Catherine Zeta-Jones returns to the welcoming arms of longtime WMA agent George Freeman, whom she jilted for CAA two years ago. [Variety]

· Warning: Following this link to an animated image of Paris Hilton's mastery of one "look" may result in the involuntary loosening of your bowels and/or seizures. Click at your own risk.
· Photographs of Tara Reid looking inebriated are the planet's only true inexhaustible resource.
· Who will win the live West Wing debate? Our guess: Whatever's on CBS at the time.
· Jack White makes selling out seem so cool and authentic.
· Hey, dueling Popes!
· This story about the all-girl band that Bono pulled on stage to play an impromptu song would be awesome and heartwarming if a) we had a sense of awe or a heart, b) it didn't absolutely reek of pre-planned publicity stunt, c) all the world's impromptu-pulling-of-girls-onto-stages magic hadn't been consumed by the Dancing in the Dark video in 1983.

· The New Paramount™ president Gail Berman loves to laugh, telling Var, "Comedy, comedy, comedy. I love comedies," Who knew? She's greenlit a Jackass: The Movie sequel, demonstrating her ardor for chuckling at guys who staple their scrotums to various objects. [Variety]
· Reese Witherspoon is developing the dramatic thriller The Reckoning as a starring vehicle through her Type A Films shingle at Paramount. Clearly, Gail Berman's seen Just Like Heaven and realizes that comedy, comedy, comedy might not be the way to go with Reese right now. [THR]
· More on the Warner Bros. layoffs: Warner Independent production head Michael Andreen is also felled in the bloodbath. [Variety]
· CBS wins a sixth straight week in the Nielsen wars, mass suicides in NBC's utterly demoralized programming ranks to follow. [THR]
· ICM suddenly finds itself with $100 million in new investment capital, but what to do with all this cash? Buy an agency? Encourage senior members to retire with fat pockets? Hire a small army of gold-plated hookers to service the entire staff? Yeah, they'll probably go with that last one. [Variety]

• Spin and Vibe are — shhh! — up for sale, much to Quincy Jones' chagrin. Buy 'em now, 'cause they're not getting any more relevant. [Radar]
• Andrea Peyser, winner of the Bestest Column In the History Of the World Ever Award For Excellence, really, really, really wants to stir up shit with Maureen Dowd. She quotes an Imus transcript, sort of calls MoDo a slut while calling her out on calling Judy Miller a slut. Women, jeez. [NYP]
• New CBS News boss Sean McManus donated a whopping $250 to Bush in '04. So he's a conservative and extremely stingy. That's no way to be a Pioneer, Sean! [E&P, via some blog]
• The internet "encourages even the most diligent reporters to become entertainers, even shills." Hey, did you hear that Al Reynolds got arrested? [CityPaper]
• Rupert Murdoch is buying the internet. By the way, please welcome new Gawker Editor Andrea Peyser. [Guardian]

With CBS's Without a Trace finally prying apart ERs cold, dead grip on the 18-49 demo on Thursday nights, it seems that we can officially declare NBC's onetime "Must See TV" juggernaut dead. Joey, Will & Grace, and a flagging Apprentice are nobody's idea of a programming Murderer's Row (we picture something closer to a group of autistic five year-olds clutching inflatable bats), so fourth-place president Kevin Reilly is forced to consider drastic measures to reclaim his network's former Nielsen glory:

Never having had a reason to visit CBS.com, we had no idea that the crown jewel of Les Moonves' growing empire of pain had embraced the blog format, and in the process, sowed the seeds of the online medium's inevitable destruction:

Jerry Falwell, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Andy Borowitz ensure that the answer is yes.

· Edward Norton and Brad Pitt will produce a 10-part miniseries for HBO and National Geographic based on a Stephen Ambrose book on Lewis and Clark. Norton will direct at least one of the episodes, with Brad Pitt set to pretend he'd heard of Lewis and Clark before he was presented with the project. [Variety]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Antoine Fuqua to an exclusive television directing deal, hoping that the director can translate some of the magic of King Arthur and the last half-hour of Training Day to the small screen. [THR]
· CBS wins a "fierce bidding war" for the sitcom Class, about a "group of eight twentysomethings who were all in the same third-grade class 20 years ago. Most of the group doesn't keep in touch or even remember one another. They're brought together again by happenstance when one of them throws a surprise anniversary party for his girlfriend — whom he met in the third grade." High concept enough for you? No? Bam: There's "no one living room where they gather." Welcome to the age of the multiple-couch sitcom. [Variety]
· Not to put too fine a point on it, but ABC continues to make all Sunday night competition its bitch. [THR]
· Gwyneth Paltrow will star in The Good Night, a film directed by her brother and shooting mostly in London, mercifully keeping the Bride of Coldplay away from America for a little while longer. [Variety]

· Universal and Fox bring Peter Jackson and wife Fran Walsh on as executive producers of their co-production of Halo, buying some very expensive insurance against the possibility that yet another video game movie will be a disaster. [Variety]
· NBC has picked up the "back nine" episodes for My Name is Earl, greatly increasing the chances that we're going to be subjected to a full season's worth of the network's Satan's-nails-on-a-chalkboard-in-hell promotional campaign. [THR]
· Tony Scott abandons his directing duty on Touchstone/Bruckheimer project Deja Vu due to "logistical and scheduling problems" resulting from the destruction of New Orleans, where the movie was set to shoot. Indeed, those pesky natural disasters can really mess up a production schedule. [Variety]
· Seemingly unaware that the season premiere of Will & Grace has ruined the live-TV stunt for all time, CBS and George Clooney (of "not hosting Brangelina's wedding" fame) will team up for a live TV version of the Academy Award-winning film Network. [THR]
·Roland "The Independence Day After Tomorrow" Emmerich will direct 10,000 B.C. for Columbia pictures, which follows "three stages in the development of primitive man." We can't wait to see what it looks like when caveman society is ravaged by incredible explosions. [Variety]

• In the video for Lindsay Lohan's next single, Confessions of a Broken Heart, watch for lots of ripped-from-the-headlines spousal feuds and tearful rosary-clutching. And to think people say the girl can't act. [R&M (3rd item)]
• Splash News photo agency is suing OK! sister publications the Sun and the Express for 5 months' worth of unpaid fees. Surely Splash understands that when millions are being spent on fuzzy pictures of what may or may not be the Federletus, paparazzi bills are going to have to wait. [Page Six]
• CBS News president Andrew Heyward's contract is reportedly up this year, and chances of renewal are looking slim. Feign surprise, we dare you. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• While NYU grapples with the loss of prized student Mary-Kate Olsen, we can all take solace in knowing her presence may be replaced with that of actress Amanda Bynes. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Did Renée Zellwegger leave Kenny Chesney because of her romance with folk rocker Damien Rice? And can she maybe stop fucking musicians long enough to sign the divorce papers? [Page Six]
• Bad news for The Gays: The 2006 FDNY calendar just might be the last. [Gatecrasher]

A reader sends in this shot from the other night's Amazing Race:

· More WGA inside baseball: Both Var and THR report that the new-look Writers Guild has canned executive director John McLean and replaced him on an interim basis with David Young. Defamer is a non-Guild sweatshop, so we can't be bothered to make any sense of this move. [Variety, THR]
· The Wall Street Journal reports that DreamWorks and NBC Universal are calling off their acquisition talks for now, freeing up Steve Spielberg's studio to continue to hemorrhage money without the interference of a corporate parent. [THR]
· Infinity Broadcasting will replace the satellite-bound Howard Stern with multiple hosts across different markets (looks like we're getting Adam Carolla in LA), eventually getting down to one after they've all had a chance to prove how adept they are at striking a stripper's ass with a piece of bologna at ten paces. We know we keep going back to that stripper-ass-and-cold-cuts thing, but that's a part of the job possibly more crucial than the singing of "The Beetlejuice Song." [Variety]
· David Caruso's last-second field goal gives CSI: Miami (and CBS) a win over Monday Night Football in last night's ratings game. After the game, Caruso humbly thanked Les Moonves, from whom all blessings flow, for giving him the strength to perform under pressure. [THR]
· NBC is developing a legal drama, Class Action, with activist/Julia Roberts Oscar-enabler Erin Brockovich, who will executive produce and "lend authenticity" (read: receive a token script in the mail once a week) to the project. [Variety]

Find yourself with an overwhelming urge to repent in Midtown yesterday? That was because you heard in the distance the siren call of the shofar, bubeleh.

Little did we know, yesterday's averted JetBlue tragedy was very nearly an averted Hollywood tragedy as well:

"For Matthew Ash, a 24-year-old Gardena resident on a church trip to New York's Catskill Mountains, the first sign of trouble came from an icon of a JetBlue plane. The plane — on the animated map at his seat — 'wasn't going anywhere,' he said, 'just hanging around in Los Angeles.' The landing gear had not retracted, the pilot said."... But as the plane drew closer to the ground, emotions intensified, he said. People remained quiet. Many held hands. A few cried. Parents tried to calm their children, and a baby cried. In front of Ash, a woman began sobbing loudly. As the plane approached the runway, the pilot told passengers to brace themselves.

• Many of you know CBS Early Show anchor Julie Chen as the wife of CBS showboat Les Moonves. But she has another talent: The ability to pull an insipid catchphrase out of her ass. [TVgasm]
• If you're desperate for freelance, check out the opportunities at the forthcoming men's mag, Cotton Tales. It's guaranteed to give Details and Men's Vogue a run for their big, gay money. [Craigslist]
• Trying to curb curse words in media? Good fucking luck. Asking us to stop swearing is like asking Graydon Carter to start wearing a patch. [NYT]
• Is getting an Extreme Makeover from the ABC reality show worth dying for? In the case of these remarkably fragile women, the show's rejection might lead to suicide. And by might, we mean has. [Defamer]
• Does Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni know the muffin man? And, if so, does he have a thing for him? [Bruni Digest]

The NY Times has some more details the Brad Garrett Everybody Loves Raymond spinoff being planned, hinting at the super-secret, mind-blowing plot twist that may allow Ray's dopey brother to live on for an additional thirteen-episode commitment:

The Sunday NY Times profiled upcoming CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother executive producers Craig Thomas and Carter Bays (strangely, and perhaps fittingly, pictured clinging to each other for dear life), who played a dangerous game in devising the pilot for their series: trying to get inside the mind of Les Moonves:

The What Tian Has Learned blog noticed that one of the contestants on Rockstar: INXS (which, apparently, is still on—who knew?) smuggled a small amount of profanity past the nipple-shy CBS censors. CBS has since yanked the photos from the Rockstar website, valiantly trying to prevent sensitive surfers from snickering at this Urban Outfitters t-shirt-quality rebellion. But as we know, the internets never forget, and Adrants has helpfully perserved the screenshots. Will the FCC catch wind of this, determine that impressionable children may have viewed the show with heads tilted ninety degrees clockwise, and fine CBS back to the Michael Hutchence era for corrupting our youth? Go fuck yourself! How are we supposed to know?