Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, best known as a dark horse in the Anna Nicole Smith paternity sweepstakes and the only man who can please a still-insatiable Zsa Zsa Gabor, has found himself the victim of a random act of violence perpetrated by a trio of armed women (or so the notorious publicity-whoring faux-royal says). ETOnline.com has the details:

David Hans Schmidt, aka the Sultan of Sleaze, has made a career out of brokering celebrity smut to the highest bidder. Without him, that storage locker of Paris Hilton's repossessed personal effects would never have found its way online, thereby forever denying the world her racist renditions of popular disco songs and pictures of Cisco Adler's improbably oversized testicles. But Schmidt was operating in a different league when he went after Tom Cruise, offering to sell back the happily married actor a stash of stolen wedding photos for $1 million. From The Smoking Gun:

Now, the movie's producers are mulling their legal options, claiming NBC used the footage without their permission. We're hopeful both parties might find a workable solution, however, as the impressive work of the Feed The Bears players certainly deserves to be seen by a wider audience, and sits comfortably along such other Late Night niche fetish material as HornyManatee.com's "man-on-manatee" sex.

If there were any lingering doubts as to whether Britney Spears was a pop star significantly past the verge of a nervous breakdown, they were answered at her now infamous OK! magazine cover shoot, in which the celeb glossy—having witnessed their subject perform a number of highly inappropriate acts, including the defiling of designerwear with a combination of fried chicken grease and lapdog droppings—was forced to compromise their "nice" editorial voice by splashing the unflattering photos across their pages. Spears' former pimp/fertilizer Kevin Federline is now reportedly seeking full custody of his children:

In 1997, preeminent American auteur Woody Allen gave the world a collective case of the nauseous willies by marrying Soon-Yi Previn, Mia Farrow's adopted daughter, 35 years his junior. Even a decade later, his decision continues to be the source of much heated debate—particularly among a pair of Wisconsin inmates, who came to fisticuffs in a mealtime exchange about the Scoop director's controversial personal life:

· Marilyn's ne'er-do-well son, meanwhile, father Michael, says that for the good of his little girl lost, "Dina and I now need to put our legal battle aside," presumably to work full-time on undoing the permanent damage they've done not raising their daughter. [ETOnline]
· Lohan attorney Blair Berk released this statement: "Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care." Rumors have it that care involves entombing the actress in a coffin-sized, "super" SCRAM device from which she'd be released on her 28th birthday. [Star Magazine]
· Happier times: Hours before her arrest, Lindsay is driven to hysterics by the wet-nosed investigations of either an eight-year-old fan, or Polaroid Beach House day-guest Andy Milonakis. [BWE]
· Everything old is new again! Especially when it's a video edited to make it seem as if Lohan is singing along to a popular radio hit about going to rehab. [iklipz.com]

An update to the developments of late last week involving heartthrob actor Esai Morales. As readers may recall, Morales's ex-girlfriend made several ugly accusations in a civil lawsuit, including allegations of rape and of having knowingly infected her with herpes. Today, Morales has struck back, using the preferred method of celebrities wanting to reach out to fans against the counsel of their lawyers: by posting an open letter on his MySpace page. (Warning: Clicking the link will subject you to Morales-sung power ballad "Reason To Live.")

TV actor Esai Morales, whose fine, hunky work has graced such well-regarded series as NYPD Blue and the short-lived Vanished, was slapped with a lawsuit filed yesterday by former live-in girlfriend Elizabeth Mazzocchi. She claims that not only did her ex-lover batter and force himself on her, but he also knowingly infected her with a dreaded and unmanageable social disease that has also been known to afflict 1 in 1 ex-con socialites. CelebTV.com claims firstsies on the explosive court documents:

Some of the highly questionable methods employed by Dateline NBC in order to bring audiences To Catch A Predator have already been revealed in a lawsuit brought against the network by a disgruntled former producer. But while the series has unearthed scores of alleged "sex offenders" in its underage internet sex stings, it can only truly add one notch to its belt: a Texas prosecutor who shot himself in the head moments before he was tackled by Chris Hansen and his overzealous friends from local law enforcement. Now, the dead prosecutor's sister is suing NBC for $100 million:

The parade of Hollywood characters and crackpots willing to testify as to Lana Clarkson's suicidal state of mind at the time of her shooting death continues with Punkin Laughlin, aka Punkin Pie, a club promoter who considered the Barbarian Queen star her "best friend." Laughlin testified that Clarkson had told her "I don't want to live anymore, I don't want to live in this town, I want to end it," less than a week before her death. Today, the cross-examination accused Laughlin of having changed her tune considerably. From the LAT report:

Throughout the Phil Spector trial, we have learned much about the accused's sociopathic past, filled with misogynist death threats and loaded handguns produced at the slightest provocation. But what of the victim? Lana Clarkson is most often referred to as a B-movie actress, best known for her work in Barbarian Queen, and who had been making ends meet by taking a job as a hostess at the House of Blues.

In the end, any of the progress made by the defense with the testimony of forensics expert Vincent DiMaio—who's convinced, for $400 an hour, of the unlikely scenario that Lana Clarkson went home with Phil Spector to end her own life—will likely be negated by a damning statement allowed today by Judge Larry Fidler. It seems, according to a New York cop, that the music producer would show up to Christmas parties at Joan Rivers's house, carrying a gun and speaking rather prophetically about wanting to shoot every woman present in the head:

Realizing the same camera-equipped menaces tailing her every baby-fumbling, crotch-flashing, and head-shaving misstep might actually be of service to her, troubled pop icon Britney Spears enlisted the help of the paparazzi to locate Lynne Spears, in order to personally serve her estranged mother with a threatening legal letter. The elder Spears's crimes: "Gettin' all naggy n' stuff" about her daughter's hard-partying lifestyle, while cozying up to former pimp/dependent, K-Fed. The entire exchange—not at all staged by the public histrionics enthusiast for the benefit of the lurking video cameras—somewhat fittingly played out on the steps of a trailer. From the NY Post:

The prosecution in the Phil Spector trial spent the better part of the day aggressively trying to discredit defense witness Dr. Vincent DiMaio (pictured), a forensics expert and author of a book on gunshot wounds, who insists the only way Barbarian Queen star Lana Clarkson could have died the night she followed an insistent Spector to his castle-like manse was by placing the gun in her mouth and pulling the trigger herself. DiMaio cited both physical and circumstantial evidence, including the fact that the aging actress seemed depressed over her dwindling career prospects—at which point the world's most ubiquitous ex-con socialite made an unexpected cameo:

Reaction to Paris Hilton's first post-Lynwood TV interview came swiftly, with the majority of critics finding the model/singer/social person's Larry King Live performance somewhat lacking in the sincerity department. A round-up from around the web:
· Hilton's life is described as a "virtual pop opera," but the interview is found to be sorely lacking on "crucial points" such as her claustrophobia, her reported $1 million interview asking price, and the fact that all her writings looked suspiciously to be scrawled in the penmanship of Elliot Mintz—suggesting her P.R. manservant had pulled an all-nighter forging 23 days worth of inspirational, jail cell scribblings. [LAT]

It truly is a wonderful time to be young, thin, obscenely wealthy, and not currently in jail, and so in honor of a certain internationally beloved heiress who just happens to be all four of those things, we proudly present this round-up of Paris Hilton updates from around the web:
· A copy of Paris's prison canteen order (pause for completely understandable shock that such a jail convenience exists) included soy sauce packets, a banana nut muffin, emery boards and an eyebrow pencil. [TMZ]
· A 9:30 a.m. home appointment with DreamCatchers Hair Extensions meant Paris was weavetastic and ready to conquer Robertson by the noon hour. [Us]
· The first day of freedom was spent at her parents Bel-Air estate, where pink balloons, a cake, and a "Pick Me Up (From Jail)" bouquet greeted her upon her arrival. [People]

Some exciting news for those among you disappointed at never having gotten a peek inside If I Did It, leisure enthusiast O.J. Simpson's disclaimer-heavy memoir outlining how one might, say, brutally stab one's wife and her friend to death outside a Brentwood condo, hypothetically speaking. TMZ.com has obtained a copy of the unpublished manuscript—rights for which were recently awarded by a federal bankruptcy judge to Ron Goldman's family—and republished excerpts. Among them, a paragraph in which a hazy Simpson assesses the post-double-homicidal-scuffle scene:

Britney Spears' lawyers have dispatched an angry letter to Clear Channel Communications, insisting upon the removal of billboards for a syndicated Florida radio show featuring an unflattering photo of the singer taken shortly after her very public, hair-shedding break with reality. The implication—for anyone looking for something approaching logic on a radio show billboard ad—is that the troubled pop icon is as cuckoo as anything you might experience on MJ Kelli's wild and wacky morning show. Britney's people are also currently mulling their "suing your Clear-Channeling asses to Kingdom Come" option, reports TSG:

Keeping pace with the torrent of developments in the life of martyred socialite and pastry chef muse Paris Hilton has become next to impossible lately. We therefore offer the following compendium of the day's most noteworthy events:
· Transferred last night out of the Twin Towers medical ward in downtown L.A. (a place nicknamed "The Dings," where the 200 inmates are called "dingbats"), Paris is currently under observation in Lynwood's far cozier medical unit, where she'll stay until officials determine she's ready to return to her original, solitary confinement cell. Oh—and she's still "a mess." [TMZ]
· In order to determine if Hilton was serving a fair amount of time for her crime, the LAT analyzed 2 million cases (surely securing them next year's Pulitzer), and determined the heiress is serving a harsher sentence than 80% of those who had committed comparable offenses. [LAT]

Irascible late night fixture David Letterman can breathe a little more easily tonight—well, as easily as someone who just accidentally broke his nose playing with his three-year-old son can be expected to—as Montana officials have announced the capture of the escaped convict who once plotted to kidnap the very same little junior Letterman: