Sean Stewart, the differently abled progeny of Rod Stewart and one-third of the Sons of Hollywood—A&E's attempt at packaging the lives, dreams, and chronic stupidity of second-generation showbiz overclass as reality entertainment—was quietly taken into custody yesterday, minus the accompanying news choppers and public outrage that have marked recent, similar events. His crime dates back to an incident from nearly two months ago, when Stewart, angry after being denied entry to a party in the Hills, attacked a couple in a passing car with "a rock, brick, bottle, metal, missile, and substance capable of doing serious bodily harm," according to the felony complaint for his arrest:

Barbara Walters brought the world a glimmer of hope this morning, repositioning fallen debutante Paris Hilton as newly reinvigorated with the gifts of spiritual clarity. But even as she passes long, hard hours behind bars sketching the preliminary floor plans for the Paris Hilton Living Doll House Pediatric Recovery Center—featuring real play-servants sick children can dress up and order around as they please!—there still appears to be no shortage of judgmental commentary on the Hilton affair, and the greater question of What It All Means For Our Society. A round-up from around the web:
· Jamie Lee Curtis—who, having once swapped bodies with Lindsay Lohan, has first hand knowledge of what it means to walk a mile in a Hollywood party whorelet's shoes—places the blame for Paris's predicament on bad parenting.That means you, Kathy Hilton: She thinks you're a terrible mother. [HuffPo]

The ex-con who had once plotted to kidnap David Letterman's infant son while working as a painter on the talk show host's Montana ranch has succeeded in executing yet another jaw-dropping maneuver straight out of the Depression-Era Crime Movie Playbook: He escaped with another inmate from the Montana State Prison where he was being held, and, four days later, the two are still on the run:

Hope continues to dwindle for Wesley Snipes, whose movie star currency has tumbled mightily since his 1990s action hero heights, and who now faces trial on his October indictment for six years' worth of tax evasion. (What—you've never cried "861 argument" to get out of paying the IRS?) Left with few options, the actor once again finds himself falling back on his trusty Passenger 57 roulette-playing advice: "Always bet on black." From The Smoking Gun:

The listening devices that Paris Hilton monitoring firm TMZ.com implanted deep within the sporadically imprisoned heiress are paying dividends this morning, as the site has been able to track on an almost minute-to-minute basis a battle between the judge and Hilton's attorney's over whether the heiress's brittle psychological state can withstand her physical appearance in court. It seems that Hilton will not be allowed to text in her statement by Sidekick (jail made me so :( i cld hurt myself. send cupcakes! lol) from the comfort of her home, and a van has been dispatched to collect her for the hearing (and gruesome tug-of-war) that's about to get underway. If you find this barrage of information a little too complicated to follow, we recommend you visit IsParisInJailRightNow.com, the most useful tool for keeping up-to-date on where Hilton will be serving the remainder of her sentence.

After all we've been through today, we really don't have the strength to plow through yet another update, but we should note that a judge has ordered the controversially home-jailed Hilton to appear in court tomorrow morning, where the city attorney and a representative of the L.A. County Sheriff's Department will each grab one of the heiress's arms and pull with all their might, with control of the prisoner's fate awarded to whichever party winds up holding the larger piece of mangled heiress. Should be fun!

Fallen actor and methamphetamine enthusiast Tom Sizemore—who often finds himself surveying the Hollywood junkie landscape around him and wondering where all the real men have gone—has turned himself in to authorities after an L.A. County judge issued a bench warrant for his arrest:

No, it's not just you: Most news seems utterly besides the point lately, eclipsed by the fact that America's favorite socialite, Paris Hilton, is currently sitting behind bars, squandering some of the most prime weeks of her life. And for what? The DUI-probation-violating equivalent of having stolen a loaf of bread. We bring you a round-up of all things Prisoner Paris as she continues to pay her debt to society within the walls of Lynwood:
· Hollywood madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson, who's done hard time, warns us that Paris will emerge from from her experience a changed, hairier person, as all manner of tweezers, razors and hair-removal wax are forbidden in jail. Still, Paris is nothing if not resourceful, and it won't belong that she figures out that some table syrup, smuggled from the dining hall on Pancake Tuesdays and left for a few days in a sunny windowsill, should quickly congeal into an adequate depilatory substitute. [NY Daily News]
· Hilton lawyer Richard A. Hutton has visited Paris, and reports that she is doing well, but being kept away from the rest of the population in a solitary cell, from which she'll be permitted to emerge for one hour a day. "She's using this time to reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better," he explained, before a bolt of lighting emerged out of the clear, blue sky and reduced him to a small pile of smoking ash. [Yahoo/AP]

Destroying our secret hope that Paris Hilton's surrender to authorities would take place following a high speed chase in which the desperate heiress piled her menagerie of neglected pets into her Maybach and made a bold sprint for the Mexican border, it seems that Hilton's last moments of freedom played out relatively uneventfully.

As the pulverized Swarovski crystal sands runs through Paris Hilton's Hourglass of Freedom, members of her support network (consisting of various family members, sycophantic hangers-on, and exotic pets lacking the brain capacity to know any better) continue to bang the drum loudly on behalf of the persecuted heiress. Sister Nicky Hilton, while accompanying Paris to one of those glamorous Hollywood parties feting the introduction of a new text messaging device, was good enough to comment to People on the travesty of justice that is Paris's jail sentence:

Before Alec Baldwin's Mametian approach to child-rearing went public through a leaked voicemail left for his porcine, etiquette-challenged 11-year-old daughter, Tracy Morgan was the 30 Rock star garnering the most unwelcome headlines for the fledgling sitcom. A DUI arrest last November led to a guilty plea bargain that allowed the comedian to avoid jail time if he agreed to make high school appearances and wear a SCRAM. Sitting down with the AP in anticipation of his upcoming gig hosting Spike TV's Guys Choice Awards, Morgan waxed philosophical about his party-loving demons:

Just in case you have somehow forgotten to circle June 5th on your calendars, we'll remind you that's the date by which imminently incarcerated hotel heiress Paris Hilton has to report to the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, which for the next 23 or so days will easily be the hottest, most exclusive prison in all of Los Angeles County.

The long road to recovery and redemption for Saving Private Ryan star Tom Sizemore is paved with countless arrests, hearings, and court-ordered humiliations. (They'd outfit him with SCRAM-type ankle monitoring device, but any self-respecting tweaker would gladly saw off their own foot for their next hit.) Even his booking last month in Bakersfield on possession charges continues to reap unwelcome dividends for the troubled actor:

Time is quickly running out for Paris Hilton, who has until June 5 to turn herself into authorities, relinquishing all the luxurious little conveniences from her vastly privileged life—the expensive handbags, the fine automobiles, the tree-dwelling marsupials—in exchange for a standard-issue orange jumper and anonymous prisoner number. Despite her best efforts to make the most of her last days of freedom (nothing really quite makes you feel alive like plunking down an AmEx Black card on a Dior boutique counter and announcing to the groveling sales staff, "I need you to sell me things. Now!"), the looming specter of a summer behind bars seems to have gotten the better of the typically upbeat socialite. From People.com:

It's difficult to know for certain what goes through the bewigged head of Phil Spector as witness after witness takes the stand to offer their damning testimony—perhaps he's conjuring elaborate revenge fantasies involving a variety of binding materials and a double-barreled shotgun, with "Carmina Burana" blasting over the castle stereo system. Yesterday's appearance by L.A. County Medical Examiner Dr. Louis Pena certainly didn't do the defense any favors, with the doctor (pictured above, miming the rare, "intra-oral gunshot wound" that took Lana Clarkson's life) explaining how several factors led him to conclude the shooting was a homicide:

There is perhaps no better example of exploitation television than Dateline NBC's ongoing To Catch a Predator series: It's voyeuristic humilitainment in its purest form, in which correspondent Chris Hansen (who wrote a book about his ongoing moral crusade, along with co-author, Deep Denial) ambushes adult men on camera who are lured to homes over the internet on the pretense of having sex with a minor. Producer Marsha Bartel, a 21-year NBC news veteran, claims she was unfairly terminated by the network after bringing up the many ethical and legal lapses involved in setting up the stings—particularly those committed by NBC's partner in the operation, shadowy "watchdog group" Perverted Justice, who are paid for their services. In a lawsuit brought against the network, Bartel outlines all the dirty tricks it takes to bring the public its primetime pedophiliac fun. From The Smoking Gun:

And with one palate-cleansing Britney Spears post, we return to our regularly scheduled Lindsay Lohan Meltdown (May '07) coverage, which we shall divvy up in handy, bulleted fashion:
· In troubling times like these, there's nothing like a reassuring NY Post headline to put things into perspective. [NY Post]
· Fragments of the accident wreckage recovered from the scene have appeared on eBay, and currently have a top bid of $800. Just to make it clear: You are bidding on pieces of her crashed Mercedes. The two items on the right aren't her ribs. [eBay]
· Leslie Sloane Zelnik's much-anticipated official statement on the matter is something of a letdown: "Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility." Sure, the press gets a light scolding, but it's woefully lacking in accusatory venom. [TMZ]

Weary as we are to rouse ourselves out of our long weekend torpor, the call of a scenemonkey starlet's DUI arrest beckons: At approximately 5:30 a.m. Saturday morning, beloved screen icon and local nightlife stall fixture Lindsay Lohan once again found herself involved in a suspicious accident, having crashed her seemingly death proof convertible into a Sunset Blvd. sidewalk. Then, according to a 911 call from an eyewitness, she peeled away from the scene. After inspecting the tires and grille for tell-tale hair, tooth, and camera fragments, police quickly ruled out vehicular paparazzicide, but a search of the car turned up a "'usable amount' of a drug tentatively identified as cocaine." The Georgia Rule star, who only recently endured a supererogatory stay at a local rehab facility, was then arrested at Century City Hospital (where she was being treated for minor injuries), for "investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs." Beleaguered flack Leslie Sloane Zelnik has yet to speak out on the matter, but is undoubtedly at this very moment holed up in an office, blinds drawn and surrounded by a foothill of crumpled paper as she attempts to compose the Statement of Her Career: a 44-word missive squarely placing the blame for her client's pre-21st-birthday rock-bottom moment on the media's nefarious shoulders.

With Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End just hours away from swallowing America's multiplexes like a tentacled leviathan, star Keira Knightley has emerged victorious in a legal battle against British tabloid The Daily Mail for having suggested her bony frame was providing unnecessary thinspiration for fanorexic teens. Reuters reports:

An update on the sad case of Lane Garrison, an actor you likely hadn't heard of until the night he befriended a trio of teenagers and escorted them to a Beverly Hills High School party (just like your own high school parties but with less making out to Duran Duran, and more cocaine and age-inappropriate TV star cameos), resulting in an ill-fated Grey Goose run that killed one and seriously injured two others. Garrison pled guilty today at his arraignment at the Beverly Hills Courthouse: